Miracles

I spend my money on the regular miracles
Just like you, like me, like everybody else
- New Politics

Shall I end the year with a run in the rain before I go to the fiesta bowl? Clock is ticking but couch is warm. I've been thinking on the goal for 2016. This was a good year for running but I think it lacked balance. My body aches a lot these days and I think it's because I need more variety and strength training in my regimen. I've been doing physical therapy on my bum problem and most of the exercises they have me doing are found in some form in yoga. I guess there's a reason yogis have such fine asses. So I'm going to do yoga hopefully twice a week. Maybe the goal this year will be based on days of exercise in the week, which allows for more variety. Anyway, I did yoga yesterday and a 4.5 mile hike with k on Mon. And snowboarding on fri and sat. But the jury is still out on a run this morning.

I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
- Blink 182

Trepidatious. That's the word that occurred to me during my run to describe my mood this Christmas Eve. I don't think it's a word. Happy, hopeful, solitary, a trifle lonely and with a feeling the walls may cave in if only a pebble shakes loose. The run was ok. Yesterday was my first run in over a week. The only week I've taken off all year. I had this black death in my lungs and am still coughing. Plus my dog almost died and I had to care for her. But all good now.

Blue (Tights) Christmas

"Fuck the past, motherfucker, she's the shit right now"

            -Eminem (with pronoun liberties)

So I found something in Cosmo that said wearing black shoes with navy tights is perfectly fine and people who think otherwise are just old and stuck in a bygone fashion era. This I promptly sent to my bitchy sisters, one of whom promptly upbraided me for getting upset about something she obviously didn't consider important. The implications of this particular sister having the unmitigated gall to tell ME that I am overreacting aside, I did question my own self... I mean really, who gives a shit? I've spent most of my adult life ignoring anything my family has to say on nearly every subject under the sun (and living quite well and successfully in spite, or perhaps because, of it) so why let this bother me?

The answer, of course, has nothing to do with them. It's just that for most of my adult life I was rather shut out of the particular world of women and style and fashion and such. For those of you not aware, big girls have fewer choices and the choices we have are more expensive. The sales that are regularly seen at places like Target and Old Navy frequently don't apply to their limited plus size lines. And many plus sized stores and fashion lines seem to believe that all big girls wish to dress as flamboyant drag queens or in burlap sacks. 

So for much of my adult life I was too financially strapped (and we have always been conservative with our money, my husband and I, one of the reasons we are still married) so clothing wasn't something I was willing to go into hock for. I also don't really ENJOY shopping per se, although much of that may have been due to the lack of choices I always found. So I was always wearing what fit, what I could afford, and what I could live with. This didn't leave any room for developing any sense of my own "style". 

So.... I lost some weight. And I got a tummy tuck. And suddenly whole vistas of discount stores, whole lines of clothing, opened up. I could literally shop wherever I wanted!! And find things that fit! And in my size! Outlet stores, department stores, Ross, TJ Maxx!! Victoria's Secret, The Gap, The Loft!!

All of which suddenly begged the question.... What exactly do I like? Do I like skirts? Turns out yes, but only shorter lengths mostly. What about dresses? Sometimes! Slacks, sweaters, t shirts, all these choices!!

So it turns out that after much trying, shopping and quite a bit of fun, I have developed and discovered my own sense of style. It is mostly conservative but with touches of some spunky flair that belong to only me. And wearing black loafers with blue tights? A perfect example of what I would do. 

But it's been hard won, and there should be no illusion about that. I spent a LOT of time trying to decide if I looked stupid. A lot of time building the confidence it takes to do the very little things that make my style my own. 

So when people dump on me, or tell me I'm not following some rule that I didn't know existed, what I'm hearing is "you look stupid". And it shakes that hard won confidence. And coming from people who are supposed to love you and who should by all rights know better.... Yeah. The things I get upset about.... So silly. 

600 baby

My cell phone screen is cracked
Vodka bottles in my bath
I kiss better when I'm drunk
Sex is best when you're not in love
- New Politics, Fall Into These Arms

I hit the big 600 on the nose today with a two mile neighborhood run. In a year where I've progressively gained weight, I've probably run more miles more consistently than any other year. I'm eating like shit though, so there's that. I've needed some comfort foods. But all in all its been a good year. I took my ass into my own hands this week and started a physical therapy regimen. I don't know why I waited so long, wasting time with quacks, when I knew this was what I really needed. So today I'm quite sore and did a very slow two miles around the hood. Tonight I am wearing the key to happiness and eating sliders at my neighborhood burger joint whilst watching the Cards. Because the one thing I know for sure is that happiness is only sometimes found alone on the couch. And sometimes it is found just getting off the couch.

Luminous

I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
- Fallout Boy

I love that line. I did the Cave Creek Luminaria run tonight and it was fun if not a little disappointing. See the luminarias? I didn't either. And the whole first half was uphill, which was rather a bitch and I did give up and walk some of the steeper parts. But the way down was delicious. I ran 11:18 miles which is better than the turkey trot, and my last mile was 10:34! So feeling good about that. I stuck around for the awards after taking 7 protein bars. Women in my age group ran 25 min, so lots of room for improvement. Maybe I will focus on 5k and 10k runs. They are fun and short.

I'm trying here

Take back your pictures
Take back your letters
Don't send me no postcards
Telling me you miss me
Cause I'm trying here
I'm trying here
- The Head and the Heart, Gone

It's easier to be happy when there are things to look forward to, like visits from family, delicious foods, organized runs, high stakes football games. With all of that gone, this week started in a funk. So I spent my morning furiously plotting my social calendar. Two tinder dates this week, two lunches with former colleagues, a wrestling meet, a gym holiday party I will force myself to attend for at least 30 minutes, and a charity event Friday. I'm thinking about doing a night run on Sat and Tempe Festivus of the arts is this weekend. So all is good, see? And this evening at 8:30 after fast food and chocolate cake, I forced myself out for a run, which was slow but good indeed. I said to a friend today that I think Tinder is scraping the bottom of the barrel, to which he replied, "it IS the barrel." I had to laugh. It's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I write this as I walk slowly around my block until I hit 10,000 blessed steps.

The Whirlpool Honeymoon is Over

I ran and swam today. There were rotten kids in the whirlpool, which irritated me. And churchy people, which irritated me even more. 

I've been accused of having somewhat of a potty mouth in this blog, by our audience of one. Which only makes me more determined to utilize the noble curses even more. Along with that spurious accusation, I was accused of what apparently is the fashion "don't" of the century in wearing black loafers with navy blue tights. In addition, I was asked when I became "such a drinker", endured snide remarks about how often I kiss my husband, was told "you have to admit you keep up on world events more than the rest of us" which I still can't figure out, since this was said as if it was something I should really work on. 

For all this joy and privilege, I spent around $700. 

Gotta love family. 

Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to stay with this rec center... I need to find a decent gym!!

My goddam piriformass hurts

Bite your lips, your words are robbery
Do you grin inside? You're killing me
All along we talked of forever
I kinda think that we won't get better
- Blink 182

Someone recently advised me that it's inappropriate to tell the internets that my ass hurts. So in the interests of the professionalism that this blog reflects, and out of respect for the worldwide audience, I will heretofore refer to my piriformass muscle, which is indeed the core of the issue. But it hurts today. I did 4.5 yesterday - 2 to gym, 1 with strength training, and 1.5 home. Dang good day! I ran 19 miles last week including a 5k Turkey Trot with my babies and sista. Most excellent for Thanksgiving week. Alas, I did just two today to the gym and I'm tired, so I just worked out the piriformass and am watching the Cards game. So grateful my blista sista was in town and all the good time and food spent with family. Nobody even broke down in tears although sadly I did have to burn my effigy.

My ass hurts

If we die in obscurity, oh well
At least we raised some hell
- Weezer, Back to the Shack

I ran to the gym today after dropping my car off a half mile from the house so the boy had a ride home from work. I am only a little ashamed to admit I spoil him like that. So 2 miles to the gym, then I watched the second half of the Cards game and scammed some guest passes for my peeps next week, then two miles home. I'm back at last. Only got two days in last week due to Colorado travel and happy hours and an odd fainting episode late Friday night. I did a very slow two miles last night because my tailbone hurts so bad from the fall. And I wasn't even drunk! I'm not sure whether to blame mom or dad for the weak asses we all seem to have inherited. I took Sophie to an art fair this morning and it was lovely. It's amazing how many people want to talk to me with that little one at my side. But then she pooped on the grass and I didn't have anything to clean it up with so we had to run. Literally.

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

The man said "why you think you here?"

I said "I have no idea."

                      - Amy Winehouse

I can't remember if I blogged about it, but I ditched my boring gym that had nothing but treadmills and ellipticals but had the advantage of being cheap, and bought a membership to our local rec center, which boasts all kinds of things I might enjoy, like an indoor track, lots of classes, a lap pool and a whirlpool. So I've gone there a few times now and am very much enjoying myself. 

Today I ran three treadmill miles, next to some dumb lady in a running skirt and coordinated layering tops, which she progressively shed while walking. She ran a little but she mostly fidgeted, pulled, tugged, and otherwise adjusted her outfit. She had clearly put much more thought into the outfit than she had into the workout, as people who wear running skirts are prone to do. Meanwhile I was next to her in some capris I have literally worn for four years running and an old camisole that used to be white and I hadn't even brushed my teeth. But I will say this: I was still on that treadmill after she got off and I started before her. Some of us go to the gym to work out, see?

Then I wet to the pool and swam ten laps, and by laps I mean slowly propelling myself through the water in any way I see fit,  which nevertheless managed to take me 22 minutes and nearly killed me. 

Then I hit the whirlpool. I was initially very skeptical about it because it is right in there with the leisure pool where all the kids are, so I figured it would be full of annoying children with parents who aren't paying attention. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover that kids under six aren't allowed at all and kids between six and twelve have to have an adult actually IN the water with them. And they must enforce the rules, because there were plenty of kids and parents but only me and two old men in the whirlpool. So it's nice, I can soak in some hot water while being reasonably certain nobody is peeing in it (although let's face it... You can never fully trust old men not to pee in the whirlpool). 

And now I am rewarding myself with a chipotle burrito whilst watching some football, and napping on the couch of righteousness. 

The No Skip Music Challenge

Ran four miles today and put my phone on shuffle all. Highlights included:

Blue Christmas - Elvis

The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

Cannonball - Brandi Carlile

From the start of it all to the end of the line

So, I wrote one more story
I just don’t know how it ends
About all the boys you’re seeing
The ones that you
That you call your friends.

                      -Night Terrors of 1927

I ran three miles, walked another mile, and then swam ten laps only to find out my stupid Fitbit battery was dead and none of it counted!!! I mean sure, you could say I still was active so what does it matter, but you would then just be revealing yourself as an ignoramus! None of it matters unless I'm beating sandy! 

From the mouths of babes

The man who stands in front of you
Is not the sum of all his dreams
But I'm hoping they've got something in common
- Dawes, something in common

Well thank great goddess K came home this weekend to deliver the slap in the face I needed. We were out to dinner and they were quizzing me about my mood, and I shared my fears of being alone. K told me I was acting like she did after her cheer accident, and we talked about how at one point I told her she needed to get her shit together and find another path. She told me I need to do the same and get my ass out of the house. She was right. It is so hard for me to put myself out there. So today I ran to the gym and watched some football and then we got massages. Tonight I walked over to the local pub and had some dinner and watched football and had a very nice dinner conversation. I've put some local events on my calendar that I want to go to and I will go. I'm going to live my life and do the things I want to do and find my joy.

I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful

Toying somewhere between love and abuse

Calling to join them the wretched and joyful

Shaking the wings of their terrible youths

Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion

No more alone or myself could I be

Looks like a strain to the arms it were open

No shortage of sordid, no protest from me

                              - Hozier

I don't actually have anything to say, I just really wanted to quote that song, what with thanksgiving coming up and whatnot. 

I ran three miles and then walked until the dumb Fitbit said I had done enough. 

Beneath the surface

Just beneath the surface there's another one of me
At the root of all my troubles, in the twitch before I speak
With thoughts and revelations even I could not accept
So just beneath the surface is where he will stay kept
- Dawes

Just beneath the surface is a giant pain in my ass. My left butt cheek to be specific. I ran the mountain today, if it can be called running, my ass hurt almost the whole way. It's this piriformus thing, this weak muscle in my butt that gets all cranky and irritates my sciatic nerve. And so now I am laying down watching the asu game just aching. I will have to go back to that chiropractor tomorrow although I'm sure physical therapy would be better. On the plus side, I got in 18 miles this week.

And you thought running in the treadmill was boring....

Try walking on it because it's too effing cold to walk outside for any length of time but you have to get your steps in to please your new bitchy boss, the Fitbit. 

Fucking useless freak

I feel like every time I wake up in the morning
I'm just another fucking useless freak
And every time I take a look in the mirror
It's like I just wanna go back to sleep
- New Politics, Goodbye Copenhagen

Got my freak ass up and did 3.5 this morning. It was ghastly.

I'm feeling hopeless

I stand here imperfect right before you
Been searching so long for a way to get through
Swallowed the universe, abandoned my youth
I still can't forsake what I feel is true
I was made out of dust by a voice in the wind
To conquer my fears and rise like a king
I will always evolve and never give in
I will follow my dreams cause I know I will win
- New Politics, Overcome

It's official. I'm depressed. I may have said this before. I cried today whilst talking to my blista sista. I don't know why I'm surprised by this but I am. It's a transition. Ks presence was a tornado in the house, and while I've enjoyed the new calm to an extent, I find that I am living in a vacuum. A giant hole. And honestly I'm afraid of living alone for the rest of my life. I've wasted so much time with the wrong people. And where are the right ones? Every time I think I've learned, there are more lessons in front of me. I'm trying to embrace the lessons life has to offer. But I'm still lonely. I got out and did my 3.5 today, so running has been going well. Except that I didn't suck on my inhaler before I went so I was gasping for air and walked a lot. My lungs sounded like the wind whistling outside the window during a winter storm. But anyway. This is where I am today. It's an ok place. It's where I need to be for now I guess.

Bring It, Bitch

Also

Remember when you were only a child

So watch your time
Time descends
Let it spill quietly
From your hands
Oh, and the time is at hand
When all things under the sky
Go free of time
Time is passing you by
- Alexi Murdoch, Blue Mind

Last night I had the most vivid dream of my high school boyfriend. And he was such a jerk and so disrespectful but I knew that love and passion and comfort were there so I overlooked a lot of things. But the rational part of my mind knew that no matter how much love is there, it just wasn't working and would never work and I needed to just walk away. And that's what I did in my dream and I actually felt a sense of relief. I don't know where this dream came from but it was so very vivid. And on my run this morning this song came on and I thought about when I was a child and how I didn't feel very loved growing up (that's not a slight against anyone, it was just very chaotic in my house and mostly I was invisible). And maybe that's why I'm constantly in search of love. I thought about the times when I felt most loved, and those were the times my dad came to my softball or basketball games. He was usually the only person there from my family, and on the drive home he would analyze my game and tell me what I needed to work on, and tell me what I did well. He was paying attention and trying to help me get better. Growing up with softball, he was often the coach. I also remember a time when I was in 6th or 7th grade, my mom gave me a spontaneous kiss on the cheek. I was taken aback and asked her why she did that, and she said because I love you. Well, I spent that whole afternoon and evening trying to work up the nerve to kiss her back. But I never did. I don't know why my mind took me those places today. It was just doing its work I suppose.

Fitbit!!!!

I got a Fitbit. Because despite every damn thing I do right, apparently my blood sugar is still too high and my doctors insist I have "prediabetes" whatever the fuck all that is. So my goals are to be more active even on the days I don't run. And to cut down on the sugar, which is extremely hard for me. I also need to probably reduce my stress. The dietician I spoke to (after yelling at a nurse or two because they didn't seem to have anything better to tell me than lose weight and exercise) was very suspicious of the role stress was playing. I'm not sure how to do this. I hate yoga like poison. I hate therapists even more. Maybe the walking will help. 

Anyway, my point is now I'm Fitbit pals with sandy. This may be a good thing or a bad thing. Fitbit ranks your friends. So now we are constantly trying to beat each other in seven day step averages (which, let's face it, really comes down to how much we are running). I went running yesterday even though it was cold and even though I hadn't planned to, just to make sure I was beating that bitch. 

Here's how it looks right now. As you can see, I'm kicking ass. And now my husband Chris has joined the party. 

Lost in my mind

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
- The Head and the Heart

I loved what my blista sista said about letting your body do its work while your mind does the same. It's so true and those are the best runs. There's a soothing in the repetitive motion, one foot in front of the other. The body builds strength, the mind heals. Today was my first day back on the mountain and while it was slow going, it was a beautiful run. They rerouted the trail in several places, maybe due to all the rain we had this year. I wasn't a fan as it was some of the more difficult parts that they smoothed out and made easier. I like having to work harder to earn my way to the top, but oh well. The body worked, the mind worked, and I'm in an ok place.

There are stars up above
We can start moving forward

I Feel The Love

"I had a dream so big and loud"

                             -American Authors

"I don't like time 

Time is making me old

But I'm doing alright

Cause I will still be young tomorrow"

                             -The Mowgli's 

A few weeks ago I went running on the trail. It was an Autumn day of the most perfect variety. Everything was good. My breathing settled in, my mind wandered... You know, that kind of run. 

And I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker a few months back. He was asking me what it was about running that made people so addicted to it. And I said because when it's good, it's really good. When you are doing it right, you let your body do its work and your mind is free to unravel problems you didn't think you could resolve or didn't even know you had. And he said I can't ever let my body just do its work, I'm too focused on how miserable I am for my mind to be free to focus on anything else. And I said that means you are going too fast. You need to slow down. 

And as I was remembering this conversation, I slowed down. I noticed the sky, the bunnies, the leaves that were all golden bursts of color on the trees. And heard that clear sweet voice in my head that just said "keep running."  

And I thought about the year I've had. Not an easy one. I turned 40 and I didn't take it particularly well. I spent time thinking a lot about things I missed, things I should have done, things I should have maybe delayed longer than I did. Lots of looking back, and lots of feeling angry and regretful. 

And I was reflecting on all this as I was running and all I kept hearing was "just keep running." 

It was a good run. And as I was on my way back, I was perhaps a quarter mile away from finishing, I came upon this, lying on the ground, face up:

Well, I found the one there on the left, the seven of spades. Now, if you don't know, I read tarot cards. Mostly for fun. And the seven of spades in the tarot deck is the seven of swords, that card there on the right. 

And I realized that I had seen several other cards face down a few yards back, but hadn't recognized them for what they were. I went back and picked them up. As I kept on, finishing my run, I found ten cards. Ten is a significant number in the tarot, it being the exact number of cards in the most common spread, the Celtic cross.  

So I went home and laid it all out and I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say this: the final card, often called the "outcome" was

That is the knight (jack) of cups (hearts). 

Autumn is a time of great power. Summer's green beauty is fading, but even as the leaves turn and fall and the earth prepares for the small death of Winter, this is also the time of great harvests. 

There are lessons to be learned, things worth fighting for and great adventures to be had. And in the powerful and magical season of Autumn, every single thing that has happened in the past, every decision made, every road traveled and not traveled, has happened for a reason and can now be harvested in the form of wisdom gained, strength tested and confidence in your own victory. So you enter Autumn stronger, ready for those next great adventures.  

The Autumn of my life is beginning, and good things are waiting. All I have to do is keep running towards them. 

Something In Common

All my mornings start with the alarm clock
Every dream gets stopped before the end
And with each bit I remember
The more the details run together
And I'm left with a message I don't comprehend
I've lost contact with the great beyond again
- Dawes

This view never fails to inspire me when I take my evening jog. And yet I feel depressed. I think I'm depressed. It's really hard for me to get out of bed these days, and harder still to force myself out on the road. I'm tired of being alone. And I see my boy leaving more every day as he grows more mature and gains his independence, which is his right - he doesn't need his mom relying on him for company. Maybe it's that it stays dark so late in the morning now, and grows dark so early.

Someone will

I'll get drunk enough to tell you how I feel
About the men you love and how they all seem to get the best of you
Cause if I don't say these things you know someone will

If that look in your eyes as I slowly go through the evidence
Gives any insight into the void you can't get filled
Then you heart is bigger than any that I've come up against
And if nobody's loved you enough I know now someone will
- Dawes

This is a great song. Last week wasn't a good one for running - I only went twice. Saturday I just could t seem to get off the couch. Plus it was hot outside. But in back on the proverbial horse. Taking a day trip to Denver today which is quite brutal given the 5am flight, so no running likely today.

Running into the storm

This was my view as I made the turn to head home this evening. I didn't beat the rain home but it was a delicious motivator to run that last half mile.

Until I get to leavin
It's the same old me too
-Miranda Lambert, same old you

Building bridges

How's that bricklayin' coming
How's your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled
- The Head and the Heart, Lost in My Mind

I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't been inspired enough. Either that or just been lazy. But today I had a beautiful run in Peachtree, GA, after a night of thunder and a day of pouring rains.

Is that bridge getting built?  I think so, yes. I believe I have finally stepped out of my own way. I got a good 3 miles in whilst getting a little bit lost, both literally and figuratively. I have half a year left of the balance of 44, and great things are to come. 

"Won't you tell me my brother
'Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward"

The Beginning is Always Today

This evening found me sitting in a new gym on a bench, waiting for my appointment with a personal trainer. I had already paid for the session.  I paid for ten sessions, as a matter of fact. Some financial incentive to make myself go. The title of this post was on the wall of the gym over the hallway that lead to the cardio room which is where I desperately wanted to be. Running on the safe treadmill. Instead I was staring into the weight room feeling 90 pounds heavier than I am and like I didn't belong. Feeling like I was going to throw up, chewing my nails and wondering why I had decided to do this.

And I thought to myself what Chris would say when I told him how much anxiety I had before this appointment, and I know he would say that he would have come with me, that we could have done it together. But the thing is, that would not have helped. These fears always have to be faced alone, that's what I've learned. People can lead you to the bridge, and they can greet you on the other side, but you walk that bridge alone.

So I did my appointment. My trainer is awesome. We did things that I was not comfortable with. I moved my body in ways that were unfamiliar. Some I liked and some I did not. Some felt like they could become comfortable someday, some just felt like work. But it all got done.

And it was definitely a case of getting it done was the real victory. Because what I've come to believe over these years of shedding weight and pushing limits is that it is in those moments of fear, those moments of staring into the weight room that seems all too intimidating, of lacing up your shoes to do an unfamiliar run around your neighborhood, of standing outside the running store knowing you need shoes but not wanting to take one step further..... it is in those moments of staring down your fear and looking yourself in the eye, that is when the real change happens. No matter how many miles you pound out or how many pounds you lose, it's those moments that really matter in the end. And every time you do it....every time you are scared and you do it anyway, the person you think you are takes one more step closer to the person you want to be.

Take me to church

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

- Hozier, Take Me To Church

Running connects me with nature, my church.

http://www.runnersworld.com/elite-runners/my-very-brief-retirement-from-running?cid=socMOT_20140807_29304206

I have always felt this way, but I have never seen it articulated the way this guy did. It's why I have such a hard time running on the treadmill I think. Why it feels like such a soul sucking activity. Although I did have another good 3 mile run inside today so I can't complain. Although I will. 

Run baby run

Lace up your shoes (hey-o)
Here's how we do
Run baby run
- We The Kings, Check Yes Juliet

This summer has been such a hard one for running. I only had 38 miles in June and exactly 50 in July (only because I knew I needed exactly 2.5 miles to hit 50 so that's what I struggled through in the treadmill). U e had such bad allergies all summer that I'm wheezing when I run and it feels like I can't get enough oxygen. Add that to the heat and crappy eating and general malaise, and it's a bad summer. But last night I hit the gym even though it's a scheduled day off, simply because I wanted to run. It has been awhile since I felt that. And I had a decent run. And tonight I had the best run I've had in a long time. I felt natural on the treadmill finally and ran 3 without stopping, including inclines! Perseverance is the sharpest arrow in the runners quiver.

I run to dead people

Alone again, no plans, no friends
You come around at half past ten
You say "How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?"

And I hear the desperation of those lines
Wasted hours, all this wasted time
Oh yeah, I've been just fine!
- ATE, Papillon

It's been a decent week of running despite the 115 degree temperatures. It's been difficult at the gym. On Weds I had to text blista sista for inspiration just get out of the car in the gym parking lot. And I made it through 2.5 miles only because Forensic Files was in the tv and it was one I hadn't seen. So there's 30 minutes. And on Thurs I couldn't convince myself to go at all because I showered and did my hair in the morning and I just couldn't waste that effort. But miraculously I did go on Friday after my mammogram. So 5 days this week, 14.5 trudging miles. And two nights alone on the couch. So.

Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too?
- magic!  Rude

There are very few pleasures associated with running in the summertime in Phoenix, but one of them is getting home from the gym at night and slipping into the pool, where the water temperature is near the same as my skin. I float on the water just like I'm relaxing on the couch, watching the moon and monsoon lightening. I got 3 miles on dreadmill and it was a damn good 3, best dreadmill run I've had since Florida though my lungs still feel filled with fluid. I had planned to soak in the hot tub after but my dang fancy gym closes at 8 on Saturday cause Lord knows fancy people have things to do on Saturday nights. Alas, the gym is my Saturday night plan. So 11.5 miles for the week.

Light

I'll be your light, your match, your burning sun
I'll be the bright, in black, that's makin you run
- one republic
Til the love runs out. Apparently the love has not yet run out. I went tues and weds and thurs despite my awful lung and eye affliction. So if I go tomorrow it will be my salvation.  So.

Flags

I could leave you here with your people
If I'm the flag you'd not prefer to wave
- Jimmy Eat World

This is a band I wish would put out some new music. This is an oldie but a goodie, and anyone who doesn't want to wave your flag just doesn't deserve to be with you. So because building a small rock wall doesn't count, I also went for 3 miles today and admittedly walked a bit of it due to altitude and my still aching lungs. So that's four exercise days this week despite being ill. Not good bit certainly not bad. Listening to the rain patter softly outside my window is wonderful.

I don't remember

I don't remember you lookin any better
Then again, I don't remember you
- John Mayer

I did make it around the lake today for a gasping wheezing 3 miles, which was interrupted by efforts to get fat dog some water resulting in a black tar mud bath and no water. So she is shiny and clean this evening after a deep scrubbing of both of us. Had some fun with mom and sisters and met some new neighbors tonight. Am mostly recovered from this dogged summer chest cold that has been haunting me. I walked 3 miles yesterday and it was purposeful exercise so I will count it as an exercise day but not as miles. Good times in store tomorrow celebrating Independence Day.

2 sad things

We all got our stories but ple-e-e-ease tell me what there is to complain about. Be happy like a fool, let it take you over.
- one republic, good life

So this is a pic of my lake, which appears shockingly decimated this summer. All that land in the middle is usually water! In the background is a wildfire burning. But I still feel lucky jogging and sometimes walking around the lake. I was only able to pull off two miles on the dreadmill yesterday, for a total of 8 for the week. Got 3 in today. This months total is going to be dismal.

Tomorrow is just a song away

This is why I love running. I've run on the literal gulf coast near Dubai, the Irish countryside, Mexican beaches and many other wonderful places. It's how I see the world. So the treadmill in Orlando isn't so much fun, but I got another three miles this morning. Feeling good.

June is a Beatch

Every week but five this year I have met or exceeded the 11.5 mi/wk goal necessary to hit 600 miles this year. Three of those five short weeks have been the last three weeks. June just sucks. It's when the heat really comes and there are no options but the treadmill. I am in Orlando this week and I did 3.5 today which was a damn miracle given I just got off the plane. I did 3.5 specifically so I have 11.5 this week. 3 Sunday, 3 Tuesday, 2 Weds and today. Damn treadmill will kill me. It's all I can do to force myself to go. No joy.

Hundreds of Ways

Don't contradict me
Don't make me cross the line
If you feel threatened
It's only 'cause I might

                       - Conor Oberst, "hundreds of ways"

I spent a week on a boat. Literally at sea level. The week prior to this rather dreamy vacation was spent mostly anticipating dreamy vacation and not doing much in the way of exercise.

Thus. Here I am.

I tried to run on the third day after I came back, and felt like I was going to die. I managed 2.5 miles and to scare myself away from running for a bit. I downshifted to the elliptical which is where I spent the following week.

Yesterday I finally had what I would consider to be a normal running workout, four miles on the treadmill. It wasn't as easy as it should have been, but the last mile was spent telling myself "it's one more mile, you can do it" rather than "MY GOD MAKE IT STOP." So, you know... progress.

For anyone who has never gone through this sort of altitude adjustment, it feels like there is concrete in the bottom fourth of my lungs, I just can't get a good deep breath. And this, Sandy Sista, THIS is why I typically exercise even throughout my vacations (this was quite literally impossible when spending a week on a boat, and I mean literally a boat, a catamaran, I think it was called... but it's a boat, not a cruise ship), because I don't just have to come back, I have to come back to THIS altitude and it is just fucking murder, it is SO hard.

At any rate, I didn't want anyone thinking I had disappeared. Any time I go away, it doesn't mean I've quit, it just means I'm kicking and fighting my way to the surface. Never think otherwise.

Lucky

Is it too much to ask for every Sunday?
- JT

Days like today I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, sitting on the patio at my gym overlooking the pool and mountains and eating a healthy lunch whilst reading my book. I managed 3 miles on the treadmill this morning, which was quite a feat. Yesterday it was only 2. What keeps me motivated is the promise of a poolside read and relaxation. I have college orientation tomorrow and tues so may do some running up in flag. Apparently parents have to be oriented too these days, which is funny because my parents dropped me off at my dorm, the first time I'd ever been in campus, and I managed to figure it out. But looking forward to a mini-getaway with my sweet pea.

A simple plan

Sometimes the best laid plans go awry. And when there's no plan at all, sometimes anarchy ensues. So I'm in northern CA this week for work and it is gorgeous and cool outside, so after work I went for a run in this preserve park. It was hilly and soon felt remote on a path winding through the trees and down a ravine and across a river. I started thinking about the time I went running in rock creek park in DC the year after Chandra Levy's decomposed body was found, only then I was with a group. I started to feel very alone and it occurred to me that if anything happened, nobody would miss me until 10am tomorrow. They'd have to check with hotel staff to see if anyone had seen me, and maybe someone would remember me asking about a running path. I turned my music way down so I could hear anyone sneaking up on me, and I turned around. I took a different route back and the path eventually disappeared, but I pushed forward thinking I knew where the road was. And then I stumbled upon these bones. And further down the path this decomposing jacket. Officially creeped out, I jumped across the creek and ran up the slope on the other side, through some unfortunate underbrush that quickly felt like hundreds of needles piercing my skin. I did find the road and hustled back to my hotel with visions of poison ivy and urgent care and missed meetings. Alas, I showered and went to bed. It still burns and I have these welts like blisters on my legs but I think I will live. Perhaps I will skip the run tomorrow. Perhaps not.

Memories

Don't waste your time on me
You're already a voice inside my head
- Blink 182
This place is full of memories that haunt my run. There's Randy's Auto, owned by my dads BFF (do dads have BFFs?) when we lived here. Here's Picos plant world where I spent a long slow summer moving from planted tree to tree with a hose and my headphones. Here's Deadmans curve, remarkably softened from when I drove it perilously in my youth. Here is the tiny cabin where my grade school crush lived - I squeezed an anonymous love note into his locker in 8th grade, only realizing later that I had spelled his name wrong. I spelled it like the dog who mercilessly killed my own dog in front of my helpless eyes one cruel summer day. Looking back I'm not sure what my 13 year old self expected to accomplish in either scenario - to this day I'm not good at love or saving the objects of my affection. And here is the lake where I sought refuge after being fired from Arby's, and the building that used to be Arby's, now a Mexican restaurant. Curse you to this day! And here is Debbie's old house where we had slumber parties and were scared to the core by Children of the Corn. And here's the old Strauss' market where we used to ride our bikes to buy 25 cent candy with our allowance. And here's the creek where we used to ride to fish for crawdads, which my mom would cook screeching and red if we brought home a big enough haul. And the humane society where I went on a field trip with my Girl Scout troop to find my own cat in one of the cages, much to the chagrin of my mother when bringing the cat back home at my insistence. And the side road leading to my friends house where there was many a party with the parents out of town, and many a hungover morning picking up beer cans from the lawn. And here is the lake where my little sister got lost riding her bike. And the road where my dad would run and wait for me at the end, a hairy bear-like figure in the distance waiting for 11-year-old me to catch up and then run home (only as an adult runner do I understand the true gift this was). And here's the yard where we used to butt heads with the goats wearing yellow hard helmets and where the old man lived who kept his candy bowl full and liked to play adult games with little girls. And our house where we raised colored chicks who were eaten by neighborhood dogs, and raised and then ate the cow, Trouble, which appears to be gone now (the house and cow both). And the barbed wire fence we ducked under in a furious race to the other block when we missed the school bus in the morning. And the Bell gas station where Andy would buy us our bottles of Bacardi and vodka for a wink and a smile, which after the party we then added to our stash buried under a tree in the woods. Oddly, here is a grave marker for my HS boyfriends dad that I stumbled upon on the lake running path several years ago, only then learning that he had passed. And here is where I rest recollecting all of that beauty after my 3 mile lake run this morning, with fat dog curled at my feet and my babies off on an adventure with a new inflatable boat, bellies full with elk tacos. And as the sun sets over the trees and the stars rise, I count my blessings.

Hello there

The angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
- Blink 182

I am experiencing life in a northern town with three teenagers this week, which has led to conversations on such enlightening topics as why nightcrawlers splooge white goop to the genius of Blink 182 and the spontaneous group singing of their greatest hits in a pizza restaurant, much to the simultaneous appreciation and chagrin of our waiter. Such a great time - I love these kids and we have such fun times together. So I did about 2.5 miles around a lake today while the kids fished, and 3 yesterday. Fat dog and I walked about 4 on Sunday but I'm not counting that as it was intended to be a quick jaunt around the neighborhood and I was wearing my uggs.

Hello there

The angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
- Blink 182

I am experiencing life in a northern town with three teenagers this week, which has led to conversations on such enlightening topics as why nightcrawlers splooge white goop to the genius of Blink 182 and the spontaneous group singing of their greatest hits in a pizza restaurant, much to the simultaneous appreciation and chagrin of our waiter. Such a great time - I love these kids and we have such fun times together. So I did about 2.5 miles around a lake today while the kids fished, and 3 yesterday. Fat dog and I walked about 4 on Sunday but I'm not counting that as it was intended to be a quick jaunt around the neighborhood and I was wearing my uggs.

We all run for something

We all run for something.
Oh for God, for fate,
For love, for hate,
For gold, and rust,
For diamonds, and dust.
- One Republic, Til the Love Runs Out

This is an awesome song that I believe my blista sista posted a couple weeks ago. It's great to run to, and you can dance to it. I hit the gym this afternoon and promised myself I only had to get through 2 miles before I went to the pool to read my book. I had an unexpectedly good run though, and actually did 3.5 which is almost unheard of for me on the dreadmill. I finished 3 in about 35 min with the inclines. Usually I prefer to set the treadmill on "loiter". And there's the time I did 13 miles on the treadmill while training for the marathon - now that was a special form of torture. Now I am taking advantage of the more awesome benefits of my gym - a beautiful view of the mountains while I read poolside. If I can't run in those mountains I can at least gaze upon them.

I suppose I should tell you what this bitch is thinking
- Lily Allen

I e been feeling rather lazy and listless lately. I didn't go on Tuesday just because I didn't feel like it. On Thursday I was getting ready to go when my kids suggested a game of basketball at the park, which of course I would choose over running any day. I did run the mile to the park and then walked home with J. Today it was all u could do to drag my ass to the gym. I did go though and got 3 miles on the treadmill for a total of 10.5 this week. I have seriously been contemplating canceling my gym membership because it's so expensive and I so loathe the treadmill but there really aren't other good options in the summer here. But I was reminded how much I love a leisurely soak in the hot tub and steam room after a run. And reading a good book by the pool. My baby girl turned 18 this week and graduates HS in 5 days. I'm really having a hard time getting my head around that, and the fact that our time as a threesome is coming to an end.

What doesn't change will slip and fall away

I swear I dream of waking up
To find the future screaming
But I've been sleepwalking so much
I don't remember dreaming 

                  - The Mowgli's, "Clean Light"

I took another good walk today, four miles. I'm weirdly sore from walking. I mean, my bum hip always hurts more when I walk than it does when I run, so that's no surprise, but it always strikes me what different sets of muscles you are using when walking as opposed to running (at least, that's what I'm presuming given that different things get sore). It makes me think I should really incorporate more walking into my regular fitness routine. Plus, it is all enjoyable and meditative and shit.

Air gettin thin

Air is gettin thin
But I'm tryin, Im breathin in
Come find me
- Joshua Radin

One of the more beautiful things in this world is the sun setting through the pines. That was my view this evening as I sat reading my People magazines after a lung-incinerating run around the lake with fat dog. We came up north to escape the heat wave in the valley this weekend and to enjoy some peace and solitude. Mission accomplished.

I take a walk

they say the west is home to reason 
so that’s where I’ve gone 
I’ve gone to meet my maker 
and when I find what I was made for 
this soul of mine will finally find some peace 

                                   - The Mowgli's

Who have been providing me with my favorite running music of late. But I could not run this week on doctor's orders. So today I did my usual three mile neighborhood route, but I walked it. Not my fastest walk, but not my slowest. It was a purposeful stride, if you will.

At any rate, it was nice. I always forget how much I love a good walk until something forces me to slow down.

I had a dream the other night

About how we only get one life.

                                  - One Republic

I woke up from a dream, wrote it down but still couldn't stop crying, so I gave it up, got up, made coffee and decided to put it down here.

I was with my mom at my grandmother's house, she had apparently just passed away. Everything was covered in yarn, like she had been knitting cozies for everything and we were kind of laughing about how it was like Christmas, everything was a present. I could pick something to keep, so I pushed this thing that felt like a rock out of it's yarn cover, and it was a big piece of glass with all kinds of blue colors in it. My mom said something about where Grandma got it, but I don't remember that part now. At any rate, I was looking around and I saw these pictures and I ask about them. My mom points to one and says it is of her uncles, and as she points to it, the picture starts moving, like a home video recording.

And it's a video of my great grandmother, and she's pulling my great uncle, who is a toddler, out of the irrigation ditch in which he drowned (which is a true story). Her other children are all there, and as she is arranging his little body for burial, she is fussing a bit with his clothing and her other children are sort of fussing at her, complaining or criticizing and she says "Stop. In the future, you will not remember me as a woman doting on small details. You will remember that years were taken from the life of this boy I loved." And she puts blankets into this box that he is going to be buried in, and at that point the movie stops. My mom tells me that years later his remains came up in a flood, and someone reinterred his bones under a tree on the property. She implies it was my great grandmother herself, but we don't know for sure.

I say that is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen and mom says something like "even back then  only if you were rich could you afford your privacy." They were not rich.

My foremothers overcame hardships and great tragedies. They were never rich, we didn't come from money. They visit me to admonish me not to remember them as women who fussed over small details, but as women who lived in the best way they knew how... in the space between the lives mandated for them and the choices they made. Women who endured and whose love, hate, anger, happiness and tragedies have shaped my own.

According to some, they should have been extraordinary. And if they were not, if they could not overcome the lives dictated to them, then they are solely responsible for their choices and have no right to be angry.

But I disagree.

Most of us are not extraordinary. Most of us live in between... in the gray area between what we are born into and the choices we make and we all do our best.

They visit me to remind me that my choices are not so limited or my tragedies so great. And yet, I feel their energy as positive. They smile on me and my sisters. "You are not the first" they say, "and you won't be the last to struggle against the ties that bind you."

They visit me to remind me that I come from tough stock.... and we have our own brand of royalty in my family.

8.7 mile weekend

> Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. I think for a second, you took on the shape of a unicorn.
> - Stepbrothers
>
> K and I did Pats Run together on Saturday - 4.2 miles at 7am, and we ran the whole way. I had my best time ever in a Pats Run, most likely because the prospect of being left behind by my 17-yr-old daughter was so untenable that it was a great motivator. Pain avoidance tends to be a strong motivator for me. I ran behind a lady in a cape for awhile and found myself wishing I had thought to wear mine. We had an awesome time at the expo - lots of free stuff! I anticipate the race pics will depict my strenuous effort to catch K and cross the finish line at the same time as her. So then last night I got a massage thanks to a gift cert from my boss, and it hurt so good. Lately when I run, my left glut is so tight that I can feel it pull when I step with my left foot. The massage lady said I have buns of steel. Seriously, she said my left butt felt like marble or concrete. And it felt amazing when I left. But then I went and ran the mountain this afternoon and now it aches again. I had a fabulous run though, my left leg felt so free and loose and I felt strong. Alas, now I'm aching on the couch watching Stepbrothers with J (one of the best movies of all time) and preaching the eminent failure of the Taco Bell breakfast menu (they strayed too far from their core competency - waffles?? How about breakfast burritos people??). The moral here is I need a regular butt massage. Apparently this is 44.

We all run for something

I got my mind made up and I can't let go.
I'm killing every second 'til it saves my soul.
I'll be running, I'll be running,
'til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out.

                                      - One Republic


I seriously have nothing to say for this post, I only wanted to quote this song. I did six miles on the elliptical today and 11 miles of other running this week. I totaled up my miles for the year and I'm only at 171.... which I suppose I COULD look at negatively in that I am WAY off pace for a 600 mile year. Or, I could look at it like I really don't give a rat's fart in a high wind, which is mostly how I feel. 

My point is, I am feeling better, I'm running outside (today it was all cold and rainy and even snowed for a bit) and all seems to be aligning right. 

Rough times are ahead... I feel it and the cards keep coming up swords. But running is the light I carry with me.... we all run for something.

4.4

Baby you're worth it
- Justin Timberlake

I did 4.4 this morning in honor of my 44th. This will be a symmetrical year, things back in balance. I listened to my radio show so I could hear second-date-update and also to hear JT tell me I'm worth it. I had so many well wishers on my mountain run this morning - flying in a cloud around my head and clinging to my arms and legs. They coagulated on my legs at the top in celebration of a job well done. Yep, it's fly season apparently, which marks my last mountain run for the season. I was able to outrun them most of the way down. Saw some interesting things this morning too - a shirtless guy with full mosquito net around his head. That was funny. Also a lady wearing a black tshirt that said "wicked" and wearing a big black floppy sun hat. Apparently her broom couldn't get her up the mountain. Got back to my car to many well wishers of the human variety. I'm truly blessed in this life.

Burning Bridges

I, I keep on running
I'm building bridges that I know you never wanted
Look for my heart
You stole it away
Now I'll never sing the road that I could take
Listen, I want you to burn my bridges down
- One Republic

Burning bridges was an appropriate theme at the gym tonight, when it has officially become too hot to run outside after work, when it's the last day I can put 43 as my age in the treadmill, when I'm on the road to endless possibilities.

Something I Need

Last night I think I drank too much
Call it a temporary crutch
With broken words I tried to say
Honey don't you be afraid
If we got nothing we got us

In this world full of people, there's one killing me
- One Republic

Now THIS, this is a great song and also a great running song. And also a great driving to Globe song. It is always quite an Easter miracle when I get out for a run after the annual family festivus, but I did today. I only went 3 but I was grateful I did any at all, even though running woke up my digestive system after all the quality foods I ingested. At least I worked some of it off. Yesterday turned into an awesome lacrosse shopping dinner movie easter basket frenzy so I didn't get out. In fact, I've been so busy with work and social stuff these last few days, I haven't gone since Wednesday. So here's to the start of a great week.

Peace

Ooohh hold me now
Whoooah warm my heart (oh my cold and tired heart)
Stay with me (ooooooooohh stay with me!)
Let loving start, let lovin start
- Thompson Twins

This quote is in honor of my blista sista sitting in a bar in San Antonio with her hubby that is retro enough to play the Thompson Twins, which coincidentally was the first tape I ever bought along with whomever it was that sang Sister Christian. It must have been a windfall for me - either my first McDonalds paycheck or stolen church fundraising money, the payback of which caused the McDonalds job in the first place. In any case, I got a good giggle out of her update. I write this post sitting on a worn bench in my front yard, drinking a glass of wine as the sun sets on my peaceful neighborhood. Peace has been rather elusive lately, even as I run my miles in pursuit of it. Sometimes a glass of wine in the cool breeze chatting with neighbors walking dogs does wonders. I am resolved to resurrect this bench as my Easter project this weekend. The Easter egg hunt is crucial this year given the break of Ks winning streak last year (despite the fact that she found an egg in October that she insisted should count). So the yard must be in perfect and peaceful condition. I so love our little family traditions. Oh and yes, I did my 3.5 neighborhood route this morning and yesterday morning. It's been lovely in the mornings here. This morning instead of my music I listened to my morning show segment called hump day dump day. It's much more illuminating than my music lately.

You ask if I love you
What can I say?
You know that I do and that this is just one of those games that we play

Dark side of the mountain

Oh lady, running down to the riptide,
taken away to the dark side
- Vance Joy, Riptide

Sometimes the defining moment in a run comes in the first quarter mile, and that was the case today. I was grumbling in my head about how crowded the mountain trail was, although it was a gorgeous morning- mid 70's and a little breeze blowing. I caught a toe and full out fell in front of about 10 people. Of course I bounced back up and kept running, and the people averted their eyes except for the last couple, who inquired if I was ok. After I was in the clear I stopped to assess the damage - road rash on one knee and palm, and a broken thumbnail. And now my other knee is the one that hurts. I did the mountain yesterday too, and it was tough, so maybe I was just fatigued. You have to do the mountain regularly or she will chew you up and spit you out. Anyway, I kept going and my ankle collapsed pretty badly on the way down, but I didn't fall. And then I did fall again, right in front of some guy who actually caught my arm. Ugh. So I gave up and walked the rest of the way lest I not survive this run. Anyway, Riptide is a great song to bop along to.

Anything could happen

Letting darkness grow
As if we need its palette and we need its colour
But now I've seen it through
And now I know the truth
That anything could happen
- Ellie Goulding

This is a great song to run to. A great song in general. Running has been going relatively well. I got 51 miles in last month despite the evil lingering cold and a week long trip to Atlanta. I've been running outside but it's getting hot in the AZ. I have to get back to the mountain before it gets too late. My runs have been somewhat tedious, like I've gained weight but I know I haven't. So I think maybe it's because I haven't done the tougher mountain workout. Being a Lax mom is taking up my Saturdays and goddess knows I can't get out before 10. But anyhoo, it's going well.

Go call the po-lice! Go call the Guvenah!

You wanna hot body
You wanna Bugatti
You wanna Maserati
You better work bitch
You wanna Lamborghini
Sip Martinis
Look hot in a bikini
You better work bitch
You wanna live fancy
Live in a big mansion
Party in France

You better work bitch 

                       - Britney

I ran four miles on Sunday OUTSIDE and three miles today OUTSIDE!!! THREE CHEERS FOR OUTSIDE!!!  Things I saw:

- kids playing on lawns that are turning green (the lawns, not the kids)

- a baseball player practicing his pitch

- dogs dogs everywhere dogs

- runners runners everywhere runners

- a blue bird

- people aerating their lawns

It's good. It's all good.

Ruins

Living in ruins of a palace within my dreams
And you know we're on each other's team

And everyone's competing for a love they won't receive
Cause what this palace wants is release
- Lorde, Team

It's been a tough week for running. I have a bitch of a cold, which is frustrating especially since this is my SECOND cold this year. Inexcusable, body! On Tuesday I did a fairly decent 3 miles, but yesterday only reeks out two. In fact, I seriously thought about turning around after a quarter mile and was having an internal debate as to whether I could still count it as an exercise day because I did, in fact, put on my shoes and go. But in the end I just pushed for two with lots of walk breaks. I'm taking today off although I am feeling a bit better. I already showered and fixed my hair. So. No need to go ruin that work before I go watch the basketball game.

And We Carried It All So Well

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just danced at our own wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

                                    - Modest Mouse

I went running this morning, in a desperate attempt to stave off the consequences of the inevitable Vegas debauchery. It was good, although it was 25 degrees. I thought it would be sunny, but the minute I got going the clouds moved in. And I should have worn a warmer hat. But I did see the first blue birds of Spring, so I was happy, despite being cold.

But today's run isn't what I wanted to write about. Yesterday I did the elliptical and spent some time thinking about a conversation I had with Rachael the night before. She is saying she wants to be a teacher. I have been unsupportive of this idea. I know she might change her mind, I try not to make a big deal, she is only a sophomore. But the idea of her being a teacher makes my heart ache. So, I was thinking about that while sweating away yesterday.

When we were growing up, if we were to express the idea of being a teacher my grandmother (a lifelong teacher) would throw an absolute fit. She expressed the same derision at my career choice of Social Worker. 

My sophomore year of college, I interviewed her for a paper I was writing for my Women's Studies class. I asked her why she became a teacher. Her exact words (they are burned into my brain) were "When I was growing up, women could be two things. You could either be a teacher or a nurse, so I picked teacher." 

And looking back, I get it now. She had six daughters and many more granddaughters (I confess to not actually knowing the exact number, I could figure it out, but it's kind of irrelevant... it's a LOT) and it must have just killed her to hear us talk about being TEACHERS! When so many doors had opened for us that were closed to her, to see us closing those doors ourselves, my god! We could be ANYTHING, she must have thought. The power and potential we have, wasted on being a teacher, a career she never sought but was one of her only options. It must have been truly inexplicable to her. 

As it is inexplicable to me now, that Rachael would choose such a thing. 

At any rate, for what it's worth Grandma, I get it now. And I'm sorry.

What I wanted

So I took what I wanted and put it out of my reach.
I wanted to pay for my successes with all my defeats.
And if Heaven was all that was promised to me
why don't I pray for death?
- Dawes, when my time comes

Well it's official, I have a spring cold. I got out this morning knowing it would be ugly but not wanting to waste a Sunday without a run. I took fat dog cause I knew it would be a slow one. Well, slower than normal. So I made it a mile before I turned back, for a total of 2 miles today. I intended to push for 3, but it just wasn't in me. I had the awful lung burn and sluggish legs. I'm off tomorrow cause I'm having dinner with my besties, so hopefully Tuesday will be a better day.

lessons

It's a lesson too late for the learnin'
made of sand, made of sand
In the wink of an eye my soul is turnin'
in your hands, in your hands

Well I should have loved you better
I didn't mean to be unkind
You know that was the last thing on my mind
- Stark Sands with Punch Brothers, Last Thing On My Mind

I think this song was originally done by Peter Paul and Mary but the version I'm in love with is from the Inside Llewin Davis soundtrack, and it spoke to my on my run this evening. I almost didn't go. I've been really tired. I slept poorly all week and the 3 hour time difference didn't help. I actually got home at about 2 yesterday and couched it all afternoon and evening despite my best intentions to run. Today I went to a Lax game and then I forced myself to get out this afternoon and run. I did 3.5 and it was tough, I had lung burn. I have a cold sore the size of a Georgia peach on my face, which worked well for my meetings in Atlanta this week. I really hope I'm not getting sick. But I'm happy to report that despite being out of town two weeks in a row, I got 4 runs in both weeks and 14 miles this week, so I'm still on goal. I hope my blista sista continues to find inspiration on the ellptical, which is a great workout, btw. Personally I would count those as exercise days but not count the miles towards the goal.

I'm a Very Busy People

We'll end up numb from playing video games
And we'll get sick of having sex
And we'll get fat from eating candy
As we drink ourselves to death

                        - The Limousines "Very Busy People"


I'm not doing well with the running. I only have about 122 miles for the year, which is behind the 600 mile pace. But I'm good with that. My body doesn't want to run. I've been struggling with lots of depression and the running isn't helping, and neither is being pressured to run a certain number of miles a week. What my body wants is to do these long (50-60 minute) sessions on the elliptical, so that's what I'm doing. I've done 11 miles on the elliptical this week and will probably do another five or six tomorrow. And since elliptical miles have never counted as running miles, what are you gonna do?

I'm sick of the winter, the winters here are killing me. And apparently when we moved here four years ago, I was agreeing to never move back to AZ forever and ever. I did not know I was agreeing to that, I found out last night.

At any rate, in good news, I won the blood pressure contest at the grocery store today with Chris. Mine was 102/73... his was only slightly higher, but the point is, it was higher than mine and I WON.

I'll be in Vegas next week, which I'm kind of concerned about, even though I've already planned to have the two days I am there as rest days so as to not have to worry about getting exercise in amongst the debauchery, which in Vegas I have to imagine will be our usual debauchery times ten. I'm really too old for debauchery times ten. 

Incidentally, I highly recommend the song above. It makes me laugh and laugh.

Atlanta Streets

There was just no way to know what was real and what was show
A future unfolding before my eyes, and a past that I could not let go
And how the feeling is so deep
when you're running down the Atlanta streets
Like there's nowhere left to go.

Then you'd call, I could feel your body fall down next to me,
And I wanted us to be fast asleep, closer than anything to me,
Like we were home again.
- Airborne Toxic Event, London

I don't know what it is about the Atlanta streets, but I seem to have such good runs here.  I'm happy that I got out after my meeting, when it was still light and somewhat cold.  I ran under a freeway keeping my head down because I know people are leaving work and I strive not to be recognized.  I had people say, "hey, I saw you running by the freeway!" - awkward as I think have to wonder, was I panting?  was I sweating?  was I walking?   Plodding along slowly?  How pathetic was your view, my friend, that you had to point it out to me?  My hotel is right next door to the big office, and there really are limited places to run.  But once I get under that freeway and down the road a bit, there's a nice winding hilly street that I turn down and go for about a mile.  So if I recall correctly, the route is 3.25 in total.  I may have an opportunity to do it again on Friday before I hit the airport, which would be nice and that would be 4 for the week and 13 miles with Sat left to go.  Not bad for a travel week following a vacation week.