And We Carried It All So Well

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just danced at our own wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

                                    - Modest Mouse

I went running this morning, in a desperate attempt to stave off the consequences of the inevitable Vegas debauchery. It was good, although it was 25 degrees. I thought it would be sunny, but the minute I got going the clouds moved in. And I should have worn a warmer hat. But I did see the first blue birds of Spring, so I was happy, despite being cold.

But today's run isn't what I wanted to write about. Yesterday I did the elliptical and spent some time thinking about a conversation I had with Rachael the night before. She is saying she wants to be a teacher. I have been unsupportive of this idea. I know she might change her mind, I try not to make a big deal, she is only a sophomore. But the idea of her being a teacher makes my heart ache. So, I was thinking about that while sweating away yesterday.

When we were growing up, if we were to express the idea of being a teacher my grandmother (a lifelong teacher) would throw an absolute fit. She expressed the same derision at my career choice of Social Worker. 

My sophomore year of college, I interviewed her for a paper I was writing for my Women's Studies class. I asked her why she became a teacher. Her exact words (they are burned into my brain) were "When I was growing up, women could be two things. You could either be a teacher or a nurse, so I picked teacher." 

And looking back, I get it now. She had six daughters and many more granddaughters (I confess to not actually knowing the exact number, I could figure it out, but it's kind of irrelevant... it's a LOT) and it must have just killed her to hear us talk about being TEACHERS! When so many doors had opened for us that were closed to her, to see us closing those doors ourselves, my god! We could be ANYTHING, she must have thought. The power and potential we have, wasted on being a teacher, a career she never sought but was one of her only options. It must have been truly inexplicable to her. 

As it is inexplicable to me now, that Rachael would choose such a thing. 

At any rate, for what it's worth Grandma, I get it now. And I'm sorry.