The truth

So now you ask me for honesty
Just take a second, breathe
I'm not good enough for you
You were never good enough to me

And we'll meet again someday
And we'll toss the cursed ruins
Of the bride I'll never be
- Airborne Toxic Event, Bride & Groom

I hit it hard today, as I have a lot of mac and cheese and wine to burn off from my days of travel.  I ran on the mountain, my usual 4.5, and I ran hard.  It was an angry run.  I think its safe to say I've moved from denial to anger, which is good, I guess.  Good to know I'm slogging forward, with some hope of seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  With time and distance comes perspective.  While I ran, I thought about the pain of feeling abandoned after investing so much of myself, and that I was pushed so far away I had no choice but to go.  That I was too honest at times, and at times not honest enough.  That I allowed myself to take the blame for hurts that really weren't mine to own.  That I stayed in a situation where I wasn't liked or respected, where there was no longer a safe space for me.  That I allowed someone else to dictate the terms of my relationships.  Most of my anger is directed inward, because I feel I lost my center of gravity.  But I am trying to regain grace.  And running helps - good goddess does it help.  The kids and I are getting ready to embark on a wonderful adventure next week - a sampling of life in a small northern town.  I will run and run and burn my lungs in the cool weather and high altitude, and burn off all this anger.  And move another step forward on my journey to grace.