That's a fine looking high horse

So tonight after my meetings I went for a jog on the dreadmill for 2 miles in order to earn my dinner. I'm not too fancy for a 2 mile run, or for truffle Mac and cheese at dinner. Cause goddammit I earned it. And I heard a story from one of my fav work peeps who grew up with a coveted older brother. And when she went to college at the same place as he, he asked her to do his laundry, which she did without complaint because that's how she was raised. She only got upset when she asked him for the quarters to do his laundry and he refused, so she paid for the washing privileges as well. And he was at school for an entire year before her and somehow managed to have clean (or dirty) clothes to wear. And the dude at dinner with us didn't understand why this story made me so angry. It was her choice to do his laundry after all. So here's to all the men in the world on their high horses who deserve their male privilege and will never quite understand the God-given sacrifice and privilege of being a woman.

DC

It's gonna be hot as hell here soon we're gonna need some relief
Im sick of leaving things half done, leaving things half said
Oh I am I am trying the best that I can will you keep moving on like you do?
- Vance Joy

This week finds me in Washington DC. In the middle of a lot of history and a lot of politics - work and nation. I was inspired to go run around the John F Kennedy island. I love exploring remote places. There were a few bricks left from this 1800s mansion and I picked one up and ran with it for awhile, coveting this image of it in my rock garden. But I let it go. It was 3.5 miles of good exploration, inspiration and exercise though.

Find a thing that you love
Find a thing you understand

Unicycle convention

That happened at the mountain today. Seriously. So that was enough inspiration to post. I wish I had seen them in the trail. My exercise has been largely uninspired so far this year. I've been doing some yoga and some running and some hiking, but none very frequently.

And fuck what they're sayin

Gone are the days when the wind would brush my face
Gone are the days when you were the wind
And gone are the days when your heavy heart was worn on my sleeve
- The Head and the Heart, Gone

I went to yoga tonight after telling my blista sista how good it is for strength training only to have the first yoga teacher I didn't really like. I couldn't follow her and as a result didn't get a very good workout although I will say that my legs are sore. This girl after was laughing and saying it was almost sensual. Which was funny because the yoga mat I've been using has my ex bf's name on it and I was pondering earlier that I haven't felt the need to throw it out, which must mean I've reached some sort of peace with things. But lo and behold I spent the hour making love to his mat. It's not a very efficient workout but the ancillary benefit is learning to slow down. And really it makes exercise like relaxation, which is similar to running on the good days.

There were times you should have stopped
As you sailed into the fog
Like a dog, I smelled your fear
Lord knows you should have been here
But you were gone

Why should I care?

Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it
There's no time that you must be home
So sleep where your darkness falls
- John Mayer, Age of Worry

This is my new favorite song. I was correct on my theory that yoga would ease my problems. I discovered that the perfect workout is yoga and then running home from the gym. Also running to the gym, but that gets to be a pretty long workout. I ran 3.5 on Saturday, the whole way at 11:40 pace, which is better than I've done in awhile. And my ass didn't hurt before or after. Did same this evening but at 11:58 pace, still not bad although now my hip aches. So yoga tomorrow. I read today that yoga improves memory function. Bonus.

I stared up at the sun
Thought of all the people, places and things that I've loved
I stared up just to see
- One Republic, If I Lose Myself

I welcomed the new year largely from the couch today. I did get out for a freezing cold two miles around sunset once the outcome of the Oregon/Florida State game seemed clear. I spent some time thinking on the year. No earth shattering observations or revelations. Just a desire to be better. To let others be who they are.

Miracles

I spend my money on the regular miracles
Just like you, like me, like everybody else
- New Politics

Shall I end the year with a run in the rain before I go to the fiesta bowl? Clock is ticking but couch is warm. I've been thinking on the goal for 2016. This was a good year for running but I think it lacked balance. My body aches a lot these days and I think it's because I need more variety and strength training in my regimen. I've been doing physical therapy on my bum problem and most of the exercises they have me doing are found in some form in yoga. I guess there's a reason yogis have such fine asses. So I'm going to do yoga hopefully twice a week. Maybe the goal this year will be based on days of exercise in the week, which allows for more variety. Anyway, I did yoga yesterday and a 4.5 mile hike with k on Mon. And snowboarding on fri and sat. But the jury is still out on a run this morning.

I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
- Blink 182

Trepidatious. That's the word that occurred to me during my run to describe my mood this Christmas Eve. I don't think it's a word. Happy, hopeful, solitary, a trifle lonely and with a feeling the walls may cave in if only a pebble shakes loose. The run was ok. Yesterday was my first run in over a week. The only week I've taken off all year. I had this black death in my lungs and am still coughing. Plus my dog almost died and I had to care for her. But all good now.

Blue (Tights) Christmas

"Fuck the past, motherfucker, she's the shit right now"

            -Eminem (with pronoun liberties)

So I found something in Cosmo that said wearing black shoes with navy tights is perfectly fine and people who think otherwise are just old and stuck in a bygone fashion era. This I promptly sent to my bitchy sisters, one of whom promptly upbraided me for getting upset about something she obviously didn't consider important. The implications of this particular sister having the unmitigated gall to tell ME that I am overreacting aside, I did question my own self... I mean really, who gives a shit? I've spent most of my adult life ignoring anything my family has to say on nearly every subject under the sun (and living quite well and successfully in spite, or perhaps because, of it) so why let this bother me?

The answer, of course, has nothing to do with them. It's just that for most of my adult life I was rather shut out of the particular world of women and style and fashion and such. For those of you not aware, big girls have fewer choices and the choices we have are more expensive. The sales that are regularly seen at places like Target and Old Navy frequently don't apply to their limited plus size lines. And many plus sized stores and fashion lines seem to believe that all big girls wish to dress as flamboyant drag queens or in burlap sacks. 

So for much of my adult life I was too financially strapped (and we have always been conservative with our money, my husband and I, one of the reasons we are still married) so clothing wasn't something I was willing to go into hock for. I also don't really ENJOY shopping per se, although much of that may have been due to the lack of choices I always found. So I was always wearing what fit, what I could afford, and what I could live with. This didn't leave any room for developing any sense of my own "style". 

So.... I lost some weight. And I got a tummy tuck. And suddenly whole vistas of discount stores, whole lines of clothing, opened up. I could literally shop wherever I wanted!! And find things that fit! And in my size! Outlet stores, department stores, Ross, TJ Maxx!! Victoria's Secret, The Gap, The Loft!!

All of which suddenly begged the question.... What exactly do I like? Do I like skirts? Turns out yes, but only shorter lengths mostly. What about dresses? Sometimes! Slacks, sweaters, t shirts, all these choices!!

So it turns out that after much trying, shopping and quite a bit of fun, I have developed and discovered my own sense of style. It is mostly conservative but with touches of some spunky flair that belong to only me. And wearing black loafers with blue tights? A perfect example of what I would do. 

But it's been hard won, and there should be no illusion about that. I spent a LOT of time trying to decide if I looked stupid. A lot of time building the confidence it takes to do the very little things that make my style my own. 

So when people dump on me, or tell me I'm not following some rule that I didn't know existed, what I'm hearing is "you look stupid". And it shakes that hard won confidence. And coming from people who are supposed to love you and who should by all rights know better.... Yeah. The things I get upset about.... So silly. 

600 baby

My cell phone screen is cracked
Vodka bottles in my bath
I kiss better when I'm drunk
Sex is best when you're not in love
- New Politics, Fall Into These Arms

I hit the big 600 on the nose today with a two mile neighborhood run. In a year where I've progressively gained weight, I've probably run more miles more consistently than any other year. I'm eating like shit though, so there's that. I've needed some comfort foods. But all in all its been a good year. I took my ass into my own hands this week and started a physical therapy regimen. I don't know why I waited so long, wasting time with quacks, when I knew this was what I really needed. So today I'm quite sore and did a very slow two miles around the hood. Tonight I am wearing the key to happiness and eating sliders at my neighborhood burger joint whilst watching the Cards. Because the one thing I know for sure is that happiness is only sometimes found alone on the couch. And sometimes it is found just getting off the couch.