Coming undone

Tonight I ate a delicious greasy wine burger alone at a small town country bar and chatted with the locals. I haven't run since Christmas Eve when my attempt at the mountain was thwarted by rain. I did go snowboarding yesterday, which counts as exercise. But I haven't run in the cold. I just really don't want to. So I figure I'll call it a year and start over January 1.

Late

But I must admit it, that I would marry you in an instant
Damn your wife, I'd be your mistress just to have you around
But I was late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life
And when I die alone, when I die alone, when I die I'll be on time
- Cleopatra, Lumineers

Another shout out to my Blista Sista for this little diddy. I did 5 miles today, not because I'm ambitious but because when I got to the top of the trailhead I realized I had to poop so I turned around. False start as it were. I had a beautiful person reach out to me this week and yeah, damn his wife I'd be his mistress.

How it falls apart

Well there's no need to be nervous
I'm not dangerous anymore
Yeah I've cleaned up and found Jesus
And he's waiting at the door
- Saint Motel

Thanks to my Blista Sista for this gem. December has rapidly fallen apart after a 55 mile November. I've been gone almost every week for work. Once I even forgot my suitcase. Traveling that much makes it super hard to be energized and organized enough to run. And I looked at my calendar today and haven't been logging any runs so I'm not even sure how much I've gone. Ugh. Back at it.

If I am lost it's only for a little while

I can hear you
Now and then, the sound is almost gone
Well, I'd be near you
If you were willing to be near anyone
- Band of Horses

I did a rather awful 3.5 around the neighborhood today. My lungs ache. Dr will hopefully have solutions tomorrow.

Grateful

So I was lost, go count the cost,
Before you go to the Holland Road,
With your heart like a stone you spared no time in lashing out,
And I knew your pain and the effect of my shame, but you cut me down,
You cut me down
- Mumford & Sons - Holland Road

I got a beautiful run on the mountain today. It was cool and overcast. I contemplated where I was last year at this time, and how different my life is today than what I thought it would be. A lot happens in a year. I feel compassion for myself and others. We've all been lost before. 

Youth

Just because her youth is fading
Doesn't mean she's not worth dating
- BNL

Seeing some bare naked ladies tonite to celebrate my 3.5 mile godawful neighborhood run.

#blessed

I hadn't run since Sunday when I did 4.5 on the mountain so I was a little disheartened when I had to go to dinner last night in San Diego, this leaving my running clothes crisp and clean in my suitcase. But I had a very fortunate window after meetings today and before my flight, so I searched the map for a beach to finish the day and I was so lucky to get in a 4.5 mile run/hike in Torrey Pines. What a beautiful and uplifting experience. It was my favorite kind of run - exploring a place I've never been. Alas, I missed my airport drinking window. Fortunately I got an upgrade on my flight and am sipping wine delicately in first class whilst emitting a raucous stench from my sweaty body. Lucky guy sitting next to me.

The heart of a man

Oh, the heart of a man
The secrets they bury within
And oh, the causes that force his poor hand Lead to being enslaved, this deceiving again
- Band of Horses

I just wrote a cool post that disappeared. Something about feeling like a stranger in my own country. I don't have the energy or heart to write it again. I did 3.5 today and Tuesday.

Alone

Are you alone like me?
Alone but not lonely
- Jimmy Eat World

I'm so glad JEW is making music again. Today I took to the mountain and it wasn't pretty. First time since Bisbee, I believe, which was awesome and fun btw. I waited until 12:30 to go and of course it was hot. Ran some good parts on the way up but not much on the way down. Last Friday I did 3.5 around the hood for the sole purpose of sweating off a couple pounds for my weigh in - this after spending an unplanned and unwanted night in LA after my flight was cancelled. If this heat would let up I would be much better!! Yesterday I spent some time touring around northern AZ, a little light hiking but no running, and I was reminded why I love it here so much.

No ghosties

When you're born to run
It's so hard to just slow down
So don't be surprised to see me
Back in the bright part of town
- Steve Winwood

Got this little gem via shuffle on the iPhone this evening. I had a fantabulous run around the hood, racing to be home before the ghosties knocked on my door. Alas, it was dark by the time I got home, but still I didn't see a single goblin or spook. My neighborhood sucks for Halloween, and I know this, yet I bought a ginormous bag of candy at Costco so I can sit and think about it on the counter whilst doing my best not to devour it. So October wasn't so good - only 11 days of running and 39 miles and no yogas. Ouch. But tomorrow is another month my friends!! I shall get back up, brush October from my shoulders and run on.

No I didn't run today

Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing, where have you been?
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
- Keane

You drink too much

Guess we drink just the same
- The Stokes

It took until 7pm but I did in fact get off the couch today and run. 3.5. So suck on that.

Sweaty

No musical inspiration this morning. I did an ugly sweat 2.5 on the treadmill looking out over rainy Portland. But the point is I went to the gym before my meetings.

The end is beautiful

I was taped up to fight, I had my speech ready
Then like only you can, you stole the air out from me
You said, however you go, I'll be cheering you on
In the end what's the difference how it all went wrong?
Hey, that's something
The truth is what you believe it is
And it doesn't have to hurt
- Jimmy Eat World
I was blessed to have some free time in Seattle this afternoon to take a run in the cool rain. Unprepared as I was, it was a gorgeous run. The kind of run that reminded me why I do this. I felt strong. I put this song on repeat and it spoke to me. The end is beautiful. The fall colors are amazing. 3 miles.

Yesterday I did a 5k with my sweet girl and it was hot and I was breathless and it just didn't feel good. So I'm ever more grateful for today.

#4 #4?

This much I can say:
I would've waited till the oceans fell away
And all the sunken cities
Would reveal themselves to you
But you won't, will you?
Because you never do
- Decemberists

I ran four tonight in Georgia. Not sure why, except that I felt like keeping on. It was a beautiful evening.

Smile fades in the summer

Look to the past and remember a smile 

Maybe tonight I can breathe for awhile 

 - Blink 182 

So the running thing isn't going so well. I did 3.5 on Sunday and 3.5 today but they were rather sluggish miles around the neighborhood with lots of walking. Last week I was in CA most of the week and didn't get a run in. And Saturday I just slept most of the day away. I'm still looking forward to Bisbee though. I'm excited to see the town and participate in this cool and unique event, the Bisbee 1000. I'm forcing myself to remember I signed up for the fun and not to compete or be critical of my performance. This election has me a little depressed. It makes me profoundly sad to see all the hateful vitriol and defense of a mysogynist. And blaming a woman for the actions of her husband. And all the talk of assault. I remember the first time I was "assaulted". Not even sure why I feel the need to put that in quotes. I was in second grade I think, on the school bus. This group of boys was grabbing the crotches of some girls who passed by. They were on both sides of the aisle so I found it difficult to get by. It got progressively worse over a period of days as I recall and I remember how angry I was. It was picture day and I complained to a teacher in the gym that this group of boys was grabbing me. So yes I think they had taken it off the bus too. And this female teacher told me to stop asking for the attention. It was my fault because I had asked for it somehow. And didn't do a damn thing to those boys. And I was so mad because I thought one of them was my friend. And in that class picture I think I'm staring angrily at the camera. I think I had been crying. I haven't even thought about that since until the question was posed this week. And every single girl has a story like this. Every one. I wonder how it might have impacted me if the teacher had affirmed that my body was my own and those boys were wrong. And if they had been punished. Maybe not much. Maybe something. 

The curse of the costco raisins

Come on let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always

Kiss you, taste you, all night, always 

 - Blink 182

I had a fairly decent 3.5 mile run in the hood tonight after falling prey to the dastardly raisins. I knew I shouldn't get them. I knew I couldn't control myself. But I guess if you're gonna have a vice, chocolate raisins aren't so bad. I can feel my inner fit person returning bit by bit after the Summer of Sloth. It's good. 

A good one

You still look like a Friday night 

You're still caught between the plans and the dreams 

So that neither end up working out right 

 - Dawes 

So yeah I took some time off last week. On accident. I did run two miles at the gym on Weds but otherwise I was tired and or hungover and I just didn't feel like it. But today I had a good mountain run, best this year for sure.  So I had 46 miles for September which isn't great but better than the summer of awfulness. 

Because The Booty Don't Lie

Hey sister am I good enough for your heaven?
Say will your God accept me in my black and white?
Will he approve the way I'm made?
Or should I reprogram the program and get down?

                       - Janelle Monae

September can just suck it. I only got 32 miles in and many of them were terrible. The only good thing about it was discovering this rather old song by Janelle Monae that I've been playing non-stop. 

Anyway, October is going well so far. I mean, sure it's only two days in, but I'm feeling good and already have six miles in, three of them being five stair climbs for 1000 stairs. I did that today, and I'm pretty sure I could have done six. Dammit, I should have done six. I will try for six next week. 

Now I Stand Accused of the Things I've Said

Maybe I was wrong
To ever let you down
But I did what I did
Before love came to town

                     -U2/B.B. King

I downloaded this album recently and have been having a kickin' time listening to it and going on grumpy old man type rants to my kid on how his lousy generation will never produce anything as cool.

I haven't been blogging because stupid Google stopped supporting the damn Blogger app that I was using to post, and now with the new iOS update, it just won't let me post anymore. Sandy does some shit with her email, but for the love of god, who uses email anymore?? So now I have to post from my actual laptop like some kind of savage.

And anyway, I haven't had much to say because I haven't done much running, okay? OKAY? God.

I haven't been all damn week until today, when I finally got my sorry ass to the gym and ran three miles. I then soaked in the hot tub of righteousness. The whole month of September isn't going great, I think I only have 25 miles in for the month so far. Not looking good.

It's fall!!

I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, "Aren't those gourds straining your neck?" And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, "It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you're not."

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers

This is better than any song I heard this morning and it really had me laughing my ass off. Today was the first day it really felt like fall in the mountain and it was beautiful. The run not so much. But it got done and now I am sitting wondering why my father has abandoned me. 

Why

The F*ck am I the only one blogging??? TG for cancelled meetings I got to the gym quickly today for 3 ugly miles before my flight to Vegas. I'm now on a bus mob tour 2 vodkas down. Life is good.

It was my turn to decide

I wont always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now, I'm ready
- Jimmy Eat World, 23

I fought with the mountain again this morning and it was a tough one. I didn't get out there until 8 so it was warm, but also my muscles were still fatigued from yoga yesterday. I think the lesson learned is I need a full 24 hour recovery after yoga before attempting the mountain. Or, I can just suck it up and quit whining and keep going after it. Because I know it will get better. Not gonna lie though, my whole body hurts as I rest in the couch of righteousness. It does feel good to have a tough workout done first thing in the morning. Also, I saw another wild tortoise this morning - so lucky!

There are times life will rattle your bones and will bend your limbs
But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been
- Decemberists

Today I did 1.25 miles at a good pace before yoga, then I walked .75 after. Because I most certainly can't run after being wrung out in yoga. And I was too late to get the full two in before. So 12 this week, not bad given I was traveling 4 days. My plan tomorrow is to hit the mountain early. I shared this song with my boss this week - he has a daughter named Avery. It reminds me of J and the anxiety of raising him. I feel I'm too easy on him. He's such a different child than K, who grabs life by the balls and yanks. I feel like I knew what I was doing with her. But he is a mystery.

Proud of me

Feelin low, feelin high
Feelin down
Why isn't this enough?
- The head and the heart

So I did actually run one day this week while traveling. 3 sweaty treadmill miles with no walking on weds. It was interesting and motivating to have coworkers on both sides of me. But it was a good run.

If I was you I'd wanna be me too. - MT (we're on a first name basis now)

1.5 miles, lunchtime, no excuses. I'm not sure I'll ever break back to the 2-3 mile mark again. Feels a little hopeless, my body is completely exhausted after 1.5. 😒😔

Just waiting for the palateu break.

Better days

I can see the sunshine's rays
Gleaming through the clear water
Tellin me that before this chapter's read
There will always be better days
- THATH, Library Magic

Strong start to the week - 3.5 miles outside on Sunday and Monday. But now I'm in Georgia until Friday so challenge is on. I did bring running shoes but they are still in the suitcase.

Time to put the temper tantrums to the quiet corner

“HUSH! That’s enough” said the ruler
No suckers allowed to break bread or asunder
The daylight lightning and the thunder
The sun, moon and stars and the hunger

                      -R.E.D. "A Tribe Called Red"

Last week I only got five miles in. I decided to lay off my foot (which is fine and hasn't given me any real grief since then) because I had a big hike over labor day and I didn't want to have problems. 

So I did a fourteen mile overnight hike, which was really hard and which of course doesn't count. I strained my left calf on the hike, and I knew that the only thing to do would be to lay off or risk making everything worse. I finally went running on Friday (3), Saturday (4), and then today I did my little incline and half mile run loop five times, which was pretty damn exhausting. It's a tough work out! So that was 1000 stairs and 3.5 miles, so about ten for this week. I was so tired I had to come home and eat a bunch of chicken wings and then take a nap. 

That song up there is a good one. I got it off one of those lists people are always publishing of great songs for this or that. I like it. 

Anyway, I'm hoping for a better September from here on out! It's not starting out all that great.

Blessed

This is what you wanted
I'm harrowed and I'm haunted
Haunted by the life
Will you be there waiting?
Or is your heartbeat fading?
- Decemberists

It's been a banner week. 3.5 tough miles outside on Wednesday evening, 2 miles and yoga Thursday, and probably the most difficult mountain run I've ever had on Friday morning. My muscles were so fatigued, I really struggled getting to the top. It was warmer than expected at 7:15 in the morning. But I was blessed by the sight of this guy on the way down. I always feel so blessed when I see wildlife on the trail. This is only the second time in almost 10 years of running this trail that I've seen a wild desert tortoise. Now I'm relaxing this weekend with friends up north. The rest of the righteous.

Laboring on

Give em hell, turn their heads

Gonna live life 'til we're dead.

Give me scars, give me pain

Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me

There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter

 - Gym Class Heroes, The Fighter 

So gotta admit I'm proud of me. I was on the mountain at 7am and hit that beautiful 75 degrees. It was tough but not as tough as I imagined. I ran in most of the usual places and walked more than usual on the way down. I was done at 830 and 85 degrees. Now I rest on the couch of righteousness. 

My weakness

I know my weakness, know my voice
And I believe in grace and choice
- Sandy

I had plans, people. Big plans. I was going to run the mountain today. I set my alarm, I laid out my clothes. I went to bed early on a Saturday night. But alas, I wasn't strong enough. My cat had me up at 5, and at 6 I was thinking I would just get up and go early. But then I fell back asleep and when my alarm rang at 645 there was no rousing me. So I did 3 miles on the track and then yoga, which is still a damn good workout. Yesterday I did 2.5 and yoga. And I tallied my mileage from the Summer of Awfulness and calculated that I will need to average over 60 miles per month plus yoga for the rest of the year if I'm going to meet this goal. But hey, cooler weather is coming and I'm up for it. Goddess, please send fall.

I got time while she got freedom
Cuz when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
And what am I gonna say when I'm all fucked up and you're ok.

It's the one mile mark I can't seem to break.  I absolutely hate running in this heat but if I stop I know I won't start again.   So I'm adopting the 1 foot out the door and no judgment about my 18 minute mile and a half. Please god send fall.

I tried

Is there a more pathetic phrase? But I did. I ran three on Monday evening, and then circumstances and laziness caused my lonely gym bag to stay sitting in my car, unused and unloved, until tonight. 

But it just wasn't to be. I got a mile and a half in on the treadmill and that sharp pain in my foot came along and wouldn't let go. So I shifted to the stairs where I did ten minutes and then tried the treadmill again. I loosened my shoe laces and went slow but it just wasn't happening. 

So now I'm just soaking in the hot tub and finishing up my audio book on checklists and how they can improve surgery outcomes. Because it's Friday night, bitchez. 

I owned every second that this world would give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.

Got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
- One Republic

Well I went to the gym tonight and did three on the dreadmill. And it was sweaty and ugly and gross. But it got done and that's all I have to say about that.

Keep moving

Nothings ever fair
I must keep moving till I get there

Time passes by like the speed of a rocket
You ever feel that life's slipping out of your hands?

- New Politics, 15 Dreams 

Today I did what used to be considered an excellent workout. I need to remember that it still is!!  I did two miles and then an hour of tough yoga. Yes I'm behind on miles once agin this month with the 30th rapidly approaching. But when we set this goal, I knew that yoga was more important than the running. Because I can't meet the running goal and stay healthy without the yoga. So that's the priority even when I'm behind. And now training must begin in earnest for this ridiculous 4.5 stair stepping fiesta that I talked us into. With September comes the cooler weather and the mountain. 

I need more good songs

All my good songs are dead. 

Update to previous post: my friend who I've known for forever and has worked with dogs since her whole life says I really shouldn't be running with the dog. The issue apparently is the possibility of injury. She says if the dog should get injured by repetitive motion or impact before his growth plates are closed then I am risking him not being able to exercise properly when he is grown. So by running him as a puppy I'm risking I won't be able to run with him for years and years once he is grown. So fine. I trust this person and I accept this verdict. 

I ran three miles and then did 60 floors on the stairs yesterday. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. 

Bad dog owner

I got my dog (an airedale terrier) specifically because it is supposed to be  a good breed for running and I want to run with a dog again. I then checked the internet which said you really shouldn't run with a dog until they are done growing, at least a year. So, I checked with the trainer, who checked with her vet. He said that is really only for like long distance or very fast running, which most certainly doesn't apply here, but that if I wanted to be cautious I could wait until he was nine months old.

I then checked with my regular vet, who I love. She also expressed some hesitation about the whole thing, saying that there really isn't any hard knowledge about this, and she really didn't see how I could harm him by exercising with him, but that if I wanted to be safe I could wait until he was nine months old.

Well, so I took him running for the first time at six months old and then we didn't go again for three weeks or so, and now he's seven months old. I've taken him running maybe three or four times total. Today we happen to have run four miles, which I admit is a lot, but the damn dog was driving me crazy, HE HAS SOME ENERGY is all I'm saying.

Anyway, so we have been going through this thing with his heart worm medicine, where there is apparently a different dose for under 50 pounds and it goes up after 50 pounds. When we got the dog he was about 44 pounds, so they have been giving me one month of heart worm medicine at a time, because we know at some point he will go over 50 pounds. So, we go out for our run and afterwards, I remember he is due for his heart worm. So, I take him to the vet without an appt. because we just need a weight and a damn heart worm drug, he has already had all the testing, this is no big deal. And that wasn't a big deal. He is now 52 pounds, so I got a six month supply so I don't have to go through this again. But at some point when I'm chatting with the vet assistant she mentioned how energetic he was (he was, he was making an ass of himself), and I said yeah, and this is after a four mile run, it's hard to wear him out! So, they bring me the heart worm medicine and I ask another question about how much to be feeding him given his weight now and that he is still growing. She goes back to ask the vet, and then the vet comes out, a vet I had never seen before, and she says you are feeding him fine, but I need to talk to you about his activity.

She proceeds to lecture me about how I shouldn't be running with him until he is a year old (which contradicts my regular vet's advice, a vet in the same practice) and to stop running with him. I protested that we don't run fast and I only run with him perhaps once a week, and she was like "you can walk him as much as you want, but no running."

So, I've posted to Facebook because I have a couple of friends on there who are real dog people. We'll see what they say. Whatever. I don't even know that vet, and I'm also irritated that the bitch vet assistance felt the need to tattle on me.

The dog did fine, just by the way. He was barely even tired.

So, I realized after I left that I was so flustered with the lecturing vet that I left the place without paying for the heart worm medicine. Oh well. Serves them right. I'm not calling or going back in either, they can just call me and have an awkward conversation.

Commitment

He said to me, kid
Of all the stupid things I ever did
You know I let go when I should have pulled her in
And he he handed me his cell phone
But when I called you were on a plane
Moving back to Portland for the rain
- Matt Nathanson

I'm in lovely Portland this evening where a gentle warm breeze blows through the quaint downtown. After cheese fries and Mac and cheese and wine and yes a wedge salad, I went for a run. Two miles. It wasn't pretty, and it was after 9pm, and my cell phone and thus my music died. But it got done.

Extraordinary

We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
If you're ready
If you're ready
If you're ready
I am ready
- Adele

By some act of extraordinary benevolence on the part of Mother Earth, it rained all night and was a cool 78 degrees this August morning. So I seized the moment and went for a run outside. It was so freeing and inspirational - it reminded me that things will be ok. It WILL cool down, I will enjoy my exercise routine again, I will drop some of these extra pounds I've added through this difficult summer. I will return to the mountain! I'm grateful for the glimpse through a tiny window of hope this morning.

This happened

And you had best believe
That you cannot build what I don't need
And I know I need to feel relief
- Chvrches

Well I haven't been blogging but that's because I haven't been running. I got a verbal lashing yesterday and was committed to getting off my ass. But not til today. But then today went to shit fairly quickly. But I retained my resolve and went straight to the gym from work. And I did 2.5 miles. My joints ached a little from my unintentional 10 days off, starting in Vegas and ending in the beautiful pines. And yes, as my sister reminded me, running always makes one feel better. And it did tonight. But also the wine and moon pies are making me feel better. Just sayin.

There are no free maxi pads in America

Nor tampons seemingly at any cost. 

I spent a day and a half since I last blogged being mad at my sister for something she never said (totally me, nothing on her), went to work and ate 500 calories worth of Cadbury chocolate (the milk chocolate kind with nuts and fruit [these details are obviously important]), which I wouldn't have even had except that I had to run to the Walgreens for goddamn maxi pads because apparently the machines in my building are just pretend maxi pad machines that steal your dimes along with your hopes for a normal day. So then I had to go lay down in our office quiet room for a small nap, obviously. All of this being pretty clearly explained by my rather fragile hormonal state. 

But I ran four miles anyway, and this after bumming a tampon off some girl in the locker room because I am not responsible enough to either have some in my gym bag nor remember to bring any of the ones I just goddamn bought at Walgreens, which I am sure is to the surprise of exactly nobody. Also noting that my goddamn gym does not have a tampon machine in the ladies locker room at all, real or pretend, and what the serious fuck????

But apparently my faith that exercise will always and only make me feel better and never worse is unshakable. And also correct. 

So then I soaked in the hot tub with four or five old men. I wore my headphones but actually eavesdropped on their conversations about their various ailments, medical specialists and generally applaud each other for being old and it was kind of nice. One of them went on a nice rant about bike riders riding on the sidewalk and on the wrong side of the road which I especially appreciated, being that I also generally hate bike riders. 

Anyway, so I did what I feel is somewhat of a community service, in showing all the other women that the hot tub doesn't belong to the old men. I mean, maybe there aren't ever any women in there because they are rightfully disgusted at the likely cesspool of germs that is the gym hot tub, but maybe not, maybe they don't go in because the old men hog it and they don't feel welcome. 

Anyway, this time there was a really hot tattooed guy sitting on the bench next to my towel and despite my immediate request that he hand it over to me, he sadly did not offer to towel me off. 

Bring It To The Front

I've got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shaking both ways
Make you do a double take
Plan rocker show stopper
Flo fropper head knocker
Beat staller tail dropper
Do ma thing motherfuckers

                 -Missy Elliot


I guess I have a lot to say today. So I went to the gym and ran four miles (which was probably too much.... afterwards I had to come home, eat a smash burger and sleep for two or three hours), which was all fine and well. Gross old guy who hit on me a few months ago was there, so I had to keep an eye on him, but that only marred the last mile. 

And for the second time, I wore this stupid bikini in the hot tub and it was no big deal. There is a certain genre of fat girl empowered Facebook and blog posts that involves them wearing bikinis and not giving a shit (and yes, we have established I'm not a fat girl, just go with me here). I've always sort of hated this trend, not because I am judging their choices, I couldn't possibly give a damn what anyone wears, but the idea of the wearing of a bikini symbolizing body positivity, confidence, or empowerment just bugs me. And in personal terms, I wasn't about to wear one ever. 

But I have this problem. It's mainly a waist/boobs ratio problem, and in the main it's a perfectly good problem to have, except when it comes to swimwear, which is insistent upon building in a bra to any given swimsuit. This leads to every single swimsuit that ever fits my boobs is too big everywhere else. I have, for the most part, resolved this issue by wearing a regular swimsuit bottom, my own older or otherwise unacceptable but still useful bra, and a shape wear type camisole, which is mostly indistinguishable from a regular tankini, except that it actually fits, keeps the ladies where they belong, and I'm comfortable wandering around any given pool or beach area in such a get up. This works perfectly well in the usual neighborhood pools, hotel pools, or beaches. The shape wear isn't swimwear, though, so it doesn't hold up the same, it isn't designed to withstand chlorine the way a real swimsuit is. In normal circumstances, it lasts long enough, and since it's pretty inexpensive, it doesn't matter that much. 

But then there is the gym. The gym pool and particularly the gym hot tub (yes, I LOVE the gym hot tub, the big pool of cooties that it undoubtedly is, I still use it) is so highly chlorinated I'm surprised it doesn't eat my skin off. So anyhoodle, when I wear the shape wear thing in the gym pool or hot tub, it wears out as soon as I only wear it once or twice, so it just doesn't work that well. 

So a few weeks ago I came across a bikini top at Old Navy (oh Old Navy, how you warm my soul) which actually fit and I had this swimsuit bottom from Target that would go with it. But I didn't actually wear it. 

As usual, my uncomfortable feelings about any given thing just have to be given enough time to be outweighed by my annoyance at being inconvenienced by it. This happened with locker rooms, where at first I would never get undressed in front of other people. That lasted until I got sick of being inconvenienced by it and irritated at myself, it's a goddamn locker room, people get undressed there. So, my insecurity eventually got overruled by the necessity of a quicker and more convenient change. Same with running during work hours. I used to not want to do it, because you get all sweaty and disheveled and then you have to still work the rest of the day like that. But quickly enough, it became more important to me to get the run in than what any of my co-workers or employees may have thought about my sweaty and disheveled appearance. I had running to do, who gives a shit if that means I'm not as put together the rest of the day? 

Same with the stupid bikini. I want to soak in the damn hot tub, and this has become more important than what anyone might think about my chubby self wandering around exposed. Plus, it makes it easier to change without that extra layer. 

Anyway, so today I noted a couple of things whilst wearing the bikini. To whit:

1. Men routinely wander around that pool area in all manner of undress. Fat, hair, wrinkles and rolls displayed for the world and they do this seemingly without a care in the world. It's like they are allowed to just have bodies and not concern themselves with the particulars. But I'm supposed to somehow always present a perfect abdomen? Or at least one that is covered up? The hell with that, I say!

2. I believe I got hit on by a woman. This guy and this lady were talking on the bench where I had put my towel and I tried to just wait it out, but I was really hot and wanted to get out, so I finally interrupted them and said "can you throw me that towel right behind you?" and the lady goes "Sure I will, I'll even wrap it around you!" Weird, right? Anyway, it is admittedly a nice change of pace from being hit on by the gross old man.

These Changing Years

But making mistakes is a part
Of life's imperfections born of the years
Is it so wrong to be human after all 

                         -Level 42


I've been doing okay, I did 11 miles last week. Not my best week, but not the worst either. This week I'm a little behind, but no big deal. I didn't go on Monday because I didn't feel like it. Tuesday I didn't have time, and Wednesday I was sad. But I did a strong four miles on Thursday and three with the dog yesterday. I'll probably hit the gym today a bit later. 

I made an ass of myself a few weeks ago, and told Sandy I would blog about it but haven't. Probably because it kind of sucks to write about times when you are an ass. But anyway, I have written about this before. What happened was this girl at work, who is bigger than me, was saying something about how her pants from Old Navy were too big, and before considering anything, I was all "oh, yeah, them and The Gap, they do such vanity sizing that you can't sometimes tell what size you are this year..... I bought some jeans at The Gap a few weeks ago, and they're a size  8!! AS IF I'm a size 8!!!!" I said all this with the chummy "big girl to big girl" intimacy, like she would, of course, know exactly what I'm talking about. But she just looked confused and said "well, what size are you usually?" It was then that I realized my mistake and I awkwardly said "well, usually I would be a size ten." And at that point I really felt stupid, because who complains about stupid shit like this other than perfectly normal sized women, trying to make friendly conversation with other women by complaining about size. I loathe those women. 

But the thing is, even though I try, I do slip into this. It's hard for me to see my body as it exists in reality. I am constantly seeing myself as either far smaller than I am or far bigger than I am. I used to play a fun game with Chris where I would point to other women and ask if I am bigger or smaller than that woman. I stopped because it turns out it wasn't that much fun for him. Whatever. 

My point is, I currently weigh between 187 and 190 on any given day. I have been in this weight range for I think at least four years now. To me, this still seems pretty big. After all, it is still obese according to the admittedly absurd BMI charts (although right on the border, and I can be overweight or obese according to these charts on any given morning, depending on how much dinner I ate the night before). And vanity sizing IS a thing. In high school, I weighed less than this, and wore a size 14. Then again, it should be noted that at least 10 or 15 pounds of my weight is straight up boobs, which despite any weight loss, have decided they aren't going anywhere. But none of this is the point. 

The point is, my body appears to others as a perfectly normal body. Sure, some might see me as overweight, others might see me as totally normal and who really gives a damn? Nobody. The point is, I AM NO LONGER VERY FAT. And I therefore do not get to belong to the big girls club anymore. And maybe that's a shame, because there are some very cool girls in that club. But the fact is, I gave up my membership when I made the decisions I did in order to be smaller. And being smaller is, in fact, easier. It is a hard life moving through the world in a very fat body and as a woman and I am not brave like some of my heroes in life (Lindy West, Ragen Chastain and Lesley Kinzel to name just a few), who live out loud and in fat bodies. I'm not judging my choice or theirs, we all have our battles to fight and our lives to live and we all make compromises sometimes and take stands at other times. 

But you can't have it both ways, and when you try you just look like a dick. Here's hoping I can be more mindful next time, and just not engage in the body or diet talk as a shortcut to intimacy or friendship with other women. It's one of those things that is easy, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Not my Intro

It's been all summer. No running, all excuses, traveling, eating my emotions, falling back into old habits. Divorce, depression, anxiety, excitement, success, frustration, the list goes on...


This is all I can manage to share today. To me, from me.

So.... screw... no.... Fuck you depression. Fuck you rut. Fuck you divorce, and expectations and failure, fuck you finances, and negative souls, and toxic relationships, unhealthy love, fuck you rejection and pain. Two small miles for the books, one giant fucking leap towards taking care of me. Because I matter, and I am worth it. I am worth-y.

Thanks for letting me join your blog. Cheers.

2 miles + yoga

I won't only love you when you're winning
Other fools pretend to understand
Come on take my hand, we'll go down swinging
- Matt Nathanson, Bill Murray
This song makes me weepy.

So something interesting tonight. I decided to try to focus more on meditation in yoga. So as we're warming up I'm focusing on my breathing and repeating my mantra "ohm nama shivaya" which means "I honor the divinity that resides inside me" (this I read in the infamous navel gazing book Eat Pray Love). So anyway about halfway in, after a difficult sequence, everyone was lying on their mats in child's pose and I was standing in the back drinking water. And I caught myself in the mirror across the room and gazed at my image standing, whilst everyone else was down. And as I watched, my image faded, and then disappeared. All that was left was a soft ball of light, and then that was gone too. And I was staring in the mirror but I wasn't there. I'm not kidding, this happened. So then I blinked my eyes hard and opened them and there I was again. I don't know what to make of this. Probably light headed from the exercise. But the room and other people didn't disappear. Just me.

While the gettins good

No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
- Jimmy Eat World, 23

I went to the gym tonight after going him and eating dinner after work, which is a miracle in itself. I started on the treadmill and did two incline miles. Near the end of the second, I was doing a sprint finish, therefore sweating and mega focused. And this girl on the treadmill next to me starts waving her arms and then actually leans in and taps me on the shoulder. I jumped off the treadmill startled, and pulled my headphones out. Clearly she had to warn me of some imminent danger right? Why else would any stranger interrupt someone's workout that way? Either imminent danger or ... She needed to go to the bathroom and wanted me to "watch her treadmill." Tomor event it from running away I suppose. Because goddess knows every other treadmill in the row was empty, so she can't possibly be worried someone would take it. So I just nodded dumbly and she walked away and I realized I'm now stuck on this treadmill while she goes to the bathroom even though I had been planning to move to the track. So I did another half mile, and when she got back she didn't even say thank you. So then I did a mile on the track. 3.5 tonight and generally feeling good for the third day in a row. But good god I can't wait for fall.

All we ever do

I'm feeling low, feeling high
Feeling down, why isn't this enough?
- The head and the heart

I hit the gym today and did two miles on the track followed by a bitch of a yoga class. I don't know why I feel the need to torture myself on the treadmill when I can run the track, but that in itself can be torturous. The Sunday afternoon yoga class is always a tough one and I didn't do well today. It's been two weeks since I did yoga and it's always tough after a break. But I feel good from the couch this evening.

All they got inside is vacancy

It might sound silly

for me to think childish thoughts like these

but i'm so tired of acting tough

and i'm gonna do what i please

      - White Stripes

A fun little ditty I've been enjoying from a band I usually don't. 

The dog and I did the mini-incline and subsequent run down the mountain four times today, resulting in 800 steps and 2 miles. I would have gone a third mile on the flat track nearby, but we were both pretty damn exhausted and I decided two was enough. It puts me at 16 for the week and I'm feeling really good, so that's all good! I need to get in some yoga though! That stabby pain in my ankle/foot that had gotten lots better when I was doing the yoga or flow on the regular is back more often and it sucks. 

Cynical (Saturday Night Losers Club)

There's a cynical feeling saying I should give up

You said everything you'll ever say

There's a moment of panic when I hear the phone ring

Anxiety's calling in my head

Is it back again?

Are you back again?

 - Blink 182

I was at the gym tonight between the hours of 7 and 8pm. The hour when the staff just want you to go home. I started out with the goal of 3 miles at 4:1 lap walking ratio to ensure I didn't get tired and try to quit. Then I decided I could do half more to get me to 10 for the week. Then I decided I could do half more to get to 10.5. So I ended on 4 which I was pretty happy with. I haven't been to yoga in over a week so I need to go tomorrow. I then went to the grocery store, which was a mistake obviously. My anxiety is kicking in again. 

Miles of Light Explode

People always told me
That bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap
And filled with air
Sure, sometimes they thrill me
But nothin' could ever chill me
Like the way they make
The time just disappear

         - My Morning Jacket

I did four good enough miles this morning, bringing me to ten for the week so far, and I still have the whole weekend left. I didn't go to yoga, like I said I would. Oh well. It's the week before school and between the boy starting high school, football, and the girl preparing to head off to college, things have been a bit busy around these parts. 

So now I'm in our favorite pub, having a beer with my partner, so I suppose the weekend is off to a good enough start. Cheers!

3 things went wrong (or gym politics)

Have I ever steered you wrong?
Have I ever strung you along?
- Decemberists

I packed my gym clothes and brought them to my meeting. I headed straight from my meeting to the gym. I desperately searched my car for headphones and was sorely disappointed. Undaunted, I went into the locker room and changed. Wherein I realized I had a thin headband but no ponytail holder. Which any woman recognizes as the kiss of death to a workout dream. Whilst contemplating this tragedy I realized I forgot my inhaler in the car, which would make any attempt at running more difficult. My allergies have been intolerable. So I went back out to my car and returned my gym bag, and commenced a second futile search for headphones, which again failed. Back in the gym I filled up my water and headed up to treadmill land only to realize I forgot my inhaler again. I bowed my head and kept moving forward, recognizing that if I returned to my car again I would most likely drive away. Fast. So I hopped on and started slowly and focused on controlling my breath. I turned my music up high so I could hear it, which of course meant everyone else could as well. But I will be damned if I'm gonna run without my tunes. Plus everyone else remembered their headphones. Guy comes up and gets on the machine next to me, which I find slightly annoying because there are six empty treadmills NOT next to me. But I ran on. Girl comes up and gets on the machine on my other side, which severely annoyed me because there are FIVE OTHER EMPTY TREADMILLS THAT ARE NOT NEXT TO ME. And she has the kahonas to look oddly at my blaring phone. I looked at her and was going to offer to move if it bothered her, given the plethora of other treadmill choices. But she wouldn't look at me. So I ran on. And then I heard her HUMMING. As if to drown out my music. Because goddess knows she couldn't have possibly selected a treadmill away from the nut job with the blaring phone. But I digress. All of this is to say that three sweaty hair flinging miles got done.

I accidentally took a week off

We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive
In such a graceless age
- Sandy

As it turns out, I haven't gone running since last Sunday. For the first time in a long time I packed my running shoes and didn't use them on a business trip. I had a phone call that temporarily threw me Monday night, and I opted to watch the bachelor instead. It was a busy week and I never managed to get to the gym. On weds night I could have, but wine won out. Friday party, Saturday hungover, etc etc. lots of reasons but no excuses. And today it was 5pm before I dragged my ass outta the house and got two sweaty miserable miles on the treadmill. I ended up with 39.5 miles for the month. So now I guess I'm about 35 behind pace. I can't remember ever struggling with summer the way I have this summer. It's just so goddam hot.

I'm Not Lookin' For An Answer, Or Askin' Anyone To Second Guess

Well you  told me all your secrets 

And I filled you up with lies. 

Now I'm living honestly, because i said goodbye 

I can't go home anymore

 I don't wanna find out what I left there for. 

             - Indigo Girls

Our minds can play all kinds of tricks on us, but our bodies never lie. 

         - Anita Johnston "Eating in the Light of the Moon" 

That song has always been my fight song, for as long as I can remember. 

That book I love. I have been re-reading it, trying to read a chapter every morning, although that is harder than I thought it would be since work got kind of busy lately. 

But anyway, the point is the last two weeks have been pretty minimal in the exercise department!! I hurt my back at the beginning of this week and the rest of it, well.... I just haven't gone. My body keeps directing me to other forms of self care. Which I've been going with although today I found myself being pretty hard on myself, although no amount of self berating actually got me to the gym. So I laid down, and thought about this quote in the book and reminded myself that my body doesn't lie. My body is not lazy or stupid. Something is going on and the key is that even though I don't know what it is, I have to trust my body, which DOES NOT LIE. And I have been doing this for too long to fall for my mind's trick of telling me I'm just making excuses. 

So I will take a hot bath. And lie down with a good book. And put off all that needs to be done until tomorrow when, perhaps, I will be of a stronger body to deal with it all. 

A body at rest

Document the world inside your skin
The tenor of your shins
The tembre of your limbs
Now commence to kick each brick apart
Starting with your heart
- Decemberists

This is my new favorite song. I'm beginning, I think. I hope. I was thinking this morning that laziness begets laziness. My job is boring and it permeates every facet of my life. I've gotten quite lazy with my exercise. I watch a lot of tv. I am excited and a little intimidated by a new prospect. A big challenge, a lot of work. I will have to carefully schedule exercise and everything else I want to make time for. It's a good change. It will bring new energy and focus that is needed in my life. So, I ran on the treadmill yesterday, 3.5 miles, and it went surprisingly well. It was another one of those runs where the 2% incline didn't bother me much. I even felt some of the old pleasure I used to get from a good treadmill run. I ended 3 miles at a 10 min pace (just for a few minutes but still). I was out of breath so I had to walk, and I decided to go another half mile. All particularly remarkable after dozing in the couch most of the day. I feel a new energy creeping in. Change is good. Maybe I will even get a Samsung phone and Spotify instead of continuing to buy Apple Music, which I feel I'm the only person in the nation still doing.

You never promised me you were seeing differently

Reaching for my resistance

Nobody sees it at a distance

And I am catchin' up and I am seein' red

How about I throw my weight and raise it overhead?

          CHVRCHES 

I have had just an awful week for running this week! Last week was so good and then this week was shit, for no reason I can point to. My breathing won't settle, my legs feel heavy and tired. I've gone with it, taking it easy and assuming my body is telling me a truth even though I can't see it. So I only have 7 miles so far this week. I know I haven't slept well this week, maybe that's all it is. I haven't slept well because my damn new puppy got neutered and is wearing the big cone, which he doesn't like. So at night he spends time thrashing around his crate and making noise. We can't walk him either, for a week, so he spends his days misbehaving and being a pain in the ass. 

But anyway, hopefully next week will be better. 

Stolen zen

So today I had scheduled my workout for the morning because I have a lunch meeting and a date tonight that I was looking forward to. As I was putting my shoes on, said date cancelled, which sucked, but I decided to go anyway. I got a mile in before yoga. As I was sitting down on my mat and reading an email the teacher says to me "you might want to take your shoes off". I said yes of course, I was running. I've never been to this class so she doesn't know me. She then proceeds to tell the class to put phones away, when I am very obviously the only one there holding a phone. Whatever. She then says also to out your water away and that we shouldn't drink water during yoga because we are trying to build heat. Which is crap because it's always 1000 degrees in there and I always take water breaks. But whatever. I get into child's pose and try to find my zen. After awhile were moving into warrior A and I lift my leg before stepping it through because it gives me an added butt crunch, and strong glutes are the main reason I'm there. And she corrects me in front of the class, saying don't lift your leg, use your core. WTF? What happened to doing what YOU need in your practice??? So I left, like 20 minutes in. I wasn't going to be able to find zen. So mini workout is what I ended up with. Maybe I will go back tonight. Or maybe I will find a happy hour buddy.

A beginning song

I am hopeful, should I be hopeful?
When all around me, all around me
It's the light, bright light, bright light
All around me
- The Decemberists

For the second day in a row I forced my ass to the gym and did three miles on the treadmill. They were generally awful ugly miles, and I wasn't able to hold the incline the way I used to, and they were sweaty and nasty, but they got done. As a wise person once told me I told her - "I know it sucks, now just go do it." I've been avoiding the work with all kinds of gyrations this summer and it's time I got over my f*cking whining and just got down to doing the work. And afterwards, I felt downright GOOD. I felt a light within for the first time in awhile. Maybe I'm leaving this difficult chapter in my life behind. Maybe new doors are opening. Maybe I'll travel, maybe I will fall in love. I'm surrounded by light.

Hot heat rising

You couldn't handle the hot heat rising
Baby I'm so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn't keep up, you were falling down 
- Adele - Send My Love 

It's too hot here. Too hot. Too goddamn hot. I quite literally can't take it. Last night I made the relatively poor decision to run outside at about 9:30. PM that is. It was 99 degrees out. I made it a mile and then walked home. I just couldn't force myself to leave the house earlier in the day. Admittedly I was tired and a little hungover.  But still. So then today I had all these plans to run and then do yoga. And my plan went from 3 miles to 2 miles to being late for yoga. So I only did an hour of yoga and I remembered fondly the days when that was considered a decent workout. And then I went to Costco to get food for the minions who have been complaining nonstop about the lack of sustenance in our house. But it's SO HOT people!!!   110 degrees every day and no monsoon relief. I am losing my mind. 

I'm A Hazard To Myself

Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself 

               - Pink

In my neighborhood there is a 200 step incline with a half mile trail back down the little mountain. So I did that three times today, for 600 steps and then ran another mile around this field they have in the same area. Gotta give a shout out to the fitness culture around here.... The entire Denver metro area and surrounding counties are all just resplendent with different ways to work out, and every place I've ever been around here was clearly designed for walkability, always safe and well maintained side walks and often miles and miles of specific biking and walking trails. I've often wondered if I would have been able to maintain a weight loss if we hadn't moved here and the contrast coming from Arizona was and remains striking to me. Then again, in my family and in the culture at large, your weight is solely your responsibility and if you are fat, it is because you are a characteristically flawed person, and it has nothing to do with your environment, your genetics, your culture (familial or otherwise) or anything other than your lack of ability to put your fork down and your running shoes on. So I guess it's not all that surprising that I would find it shocking to live in a place that values infrastructure and public space as a way to encourage the health and fitness of its population. It's just not what I'm accustomed to. I come from a place where you are far more likely to get things thrown at you from moving vehicles when trying to exercise in public spaces than to get a thumbs up or a smile from fellow exercisers. So places like this exist, that's all I'm saying. 

Anyway, so I'm up to 12 miles this week and will probably do four uneventful miles tomorrow. That will put me to 36 for the month, so a good pace. 

I saw a thing on Facebook the other day that said "eat as if you love your body" and damned if I haven't been pondering this endlessly for the past few weeks. I've spent the past several years working on loving myself through food issues, and a lot of that involved recognizing that I am not a terrible person for eating a donut on the way home from work. I'm just a human being, who happened to need a donut that day to feel okay. A lot of it involved recognizing that all I can do is my best and sometimes my best involves allowing food to be the comfort that it inherently is to all human beings, even the ones who insist they always maintain the strictest of control over their weight. It involved a lot of thinking and analyzing and also a lot of trying to understand when to think and analyze and when to just say fuck it and let it go and let myself be. 

But it is undeniable that the sugar that is so comforting to me is hurting me. And I can't seem to figure out how to make the leap to understanding (in my head, my heart, and my body) that not eating sugar is the loving choice. I don't know how to convince a body and a heart that has been consistently comforted by such since birth that they must acquiesce to my head, which stores numbers like calories and grams of sugar and A1c readings. That such acquiescence is not a denial or a refusal to care for my heart and my soul, but a loving and gentle attempt to care for my body which houses all of it. 

I found myself today thinking these thoughts and picturing myself saying them to a counselor or a dietician and I laughed out loud. Their tools are so blunt, and so stupid. I know I would get nothing more than a blank look before they resumed their advice on brown rice instead of white, limit your alcohol intake, and take the stairs at work!!

So if anyone has any advice (on my actual problem, which doesn't actually involve a lack of knowledge on my part as to which rice to choose) feel free to share it, because it sure beats the hell or of me how to solve this fix I'm in. 

Here's a pic I pulled off of google of the little incline I did today. I also ran into a deer twice, but couldn't get a pic because my phone camera had all kinds of sweat condensation, which is also why I couldn't take my own pic of the stairs. 

No apologies

You think I'll apologize for things I left behind
But you got it wrong
- Chvrches

So after my first good treadmill run in a very long time, I opted for the treadmill again tonight and paid the price. I forgot my inhaler, I think that's the problem. I couldn't catch my breath on the 2% incline but struggled through, and then it still wasn't better on the 1% so I got off after half a mile and went to the track. And still was out of breath so I did a half mile and called it quits. This summer stinks.

We ain't kids no more

I'm giving you up

I've forgiven it all

You set me free

Send my love to your new lover

Treat her better

 - Adele 

I had a remarkably good 3 mile run on the treadmill at the gym today. I did my 2,1,0 inclines respectively, which I haven't done in awhile, and I really only suffered on the last mile. This after a miserable experience at the  M-tt hotel in LA where the gym was very unfortunately place right beside the indoor pool with only a half wall separating them and a humid greenhouse effect from the ceiling of windows. Also I forgot socks so I was wearing these little mini socks that go with flats. And I forgot spare underwear. So it was most definitely not good times. 

Take Care To Tell It Just As It Was

There are tiny cracks of light underneath me
And you say I got it wrong
But I tried hard to uncover them

       -CHVRCHES 

Again for my sis, always the digger. Digging for truth, digging for lies, digging for the cracks of light and the crevasse full of dark. 

 I went three days without working out and finally forced myself to go today. I ran three miles and did 30 floors, because sandy and I are apparently doing some 1000 step, 4.5 mile monstrosity race in October. And I felt better, as I knew I would. I've been sad this week and weary for no reason and all the reasons and nothing worth expending the energy to discuss, even if it hadn't all been said before. 

So I'll just leave this poem here, a reminder that I only need to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves. 

What I can't feel, I surely cannot see

Oh yes I'm touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion?
Should I?

SHOULD I???

      - Tina Turner

I haven't been blogging. Sometimes this blog feels like some extended "after" picture, where I'm constantly expected to show what a good moral person I am by my continued fitness and weight maintenance and I really hate that. I don't owe you an after picture. And I tried writing a post about that and it was just too exhausting and then I got irritated at that too. I don't owe you an explanation or any insight into my heart or mind. Other people better than me have written brilliant things about being a fat woman and about not being a fat woman and about why body size is not a moral issue and why health is not a moral obligation. Go read them. Or don't. I don't care. 

I got in nine miles this week. Lower mileage due to general malaise at the beginning of the week and a challenging nine mile hike yesterday. It was pretty though.