These Changing Years

But making mistakes is a part
Of life's imperfections born of the years
Is it so wrong to be human after all 

                         -Level 42


I've been doing okay, I did 11 miles last week. Not my best week, but not the worst either. This week I'm a little behind, but no big deal. I didn't go on Monday because I didn't feel like it. Tuesday I didn't have time, and Wednesday I was sad. But I did a strong four miles on Thursday and three with the dog yesterday. I'll probably hit the gym today a bit later. 

I made an ass of myself a few weeks ago, and told Sandy I would blog about it but haven't. Probably because it kind of sucks to write about times when you are an ass. But anyway, I have written about this before. What happened was this girl at work, who is bigger than me, was saying something about how her pants from Old Navy were too big, and before considering anything, I was all "oh, yeah, them and The Gap, they do such vanity sizing that you can't sometimes tell what size you are this year..... I bought some jeans at The Gap a few weeks ago, and they're a size  8!! AS IF I'm a size 8!!!!" I said all this with the chummy "big girl to big girl" intimacy, like she would, of course, know exactly what I'm talking about. But she just looked confused and said "well, what size are you usually?" It was then that I realized my mistake and I awkwardly said "well, usually I would be a size ten." And at that point I really felt stupid, because who complains about stupid shit like this other than perfectly normal sized women, trying to make friendly conversation with other women by complaining about size. I loathe those women. 

But the thing is, even though I try, I do slip into this. It's hard for me to see my body as it exists in reality. I am constantly seeing myself as either far smaller than I am or far bigger than I am. I used to play a fun game with Chris where I would point to other women and ask if I am bigger or smaller than that woman. I stopped because it turns out it wasn't that much fun for him. Whatever. 

My point is, I currently weigh between 187 and 190 on any given day. I have been in this weight range for I think at least four years now. To me, this still seems pretty big. After all, it is still obese according to the admittedly absurd BMI charts (although right on the border, and I can be overweight or obese according to these charts on any given morning, depending on how much dinner I ate the night before). And vanity sizing IS a thing. In high school, I weighed less than this, and wore a size 14. Then again, it should be noted that at least 10 or 15 pounds of my weight is straight up boobs, which despite any weight loss, have decided they aren't going anywhere. But none of this is the point. 

The point is, my body appears to others as a perfectly normal body. Sure, some might see me as overweight, others might see me as totally normal and who really gives a damn? Nobody. The point is, I AM NO LONGER VERY FAT. And I therefore do not get to belong to the big girls club anymore. And maybe that's a shame, because there are some very cool girls in that club. But the fact is, I gave up my membership when I made the decisions I did in order to be smaller. And being smaller is, in fact, easier. It is a hard life moving through the world in a very fat body and as a woman and I am not brave like some of my heroes in life (Lindy West, Ragen Chastain and Lesley Kinzel to name just a few), who live out loud and in fat bodies. I'm not judging my choice or theirs, we all have our battles to fight and our lives to live and we all make compromises sometimes and take stands at other times. 

But you can't have it both ways, and when you try you just look like a dick. Here's hoping I can be more mindful next time, and just not engage in the body or diet talk as a shortcut to intimacy or friendship with other women. It's one of those things that is easy, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.