Got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
- One Republic

Well I went to the gym tonight and did three on the dreadmill. And it was sweaty and ugly and gross. But it got done and that's all I have to say about that.

Keep moving

Nothings ever fair
I must keep moving till I get there

Time passes by like the speed of a rocket
You ever feel that life's slipping out of your hands?

- New Politics, 15 Dreams 

Today I did what used to be considered an excellent workout. I need to remember that it still is!!  I did two miles and then an hour of tough yoga. Yes I'm behind on miles once agin this month with the 30th rapidly approaching. But when we set this goal, I knew that yoga was more important than the running. Because I can't meet the running goal and stay healthy without the yoga. So that's the priority even when I'm behind. And now training must begin in earnest for this ridiculous 4.5 stair stepping fiesta that I talked us into. With September comes the cooler weather and the mountain. 

I need more good songs

All my good songs are dead. 

Update to previous post: my friend who I've known for forever and has worked with dogs since her whole life says I really shouldn't be running with the dog. The issue apparently is the possibility of injury. She says if the dog should get injured by repetitive motion or impact before his growth plates are closed then I am risking him not being able to exercise properly when he is grown. So by running him as a puppy I'm risking I won't be able to run with him for years and years once he is grown. So fine. I trust this person and I accept this verdict. 

I ran three miles and then did 60 floors on the stairs yesterday. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. 

Bad dog owner

I got my dog (an airedale terrier) specifically because it is supposed to be  a good breed for running and I want to run with a dog again. I then checked the internet which said you really shouldn't run with a dog until they are done growing, at least a year. So, I checked with the trainer, who checked with her vet. He said that is really only for like long distance or very fast running, which most certainly doesn't apply here, but that if I wanted to be cautious I could wait until he was nine months old.

I then checked with my regular vet, who I love. She also expressed some hesitation about the whole thing, saying that there really isn't any hard knowledge about this, and she really didn't see how I could harm him by exercising with him, but that if I wanted to be safe I could wait until he was nine months old.

Well, so I took him running for the first time at six months old and then we didn't go again for three weeks or so, and now he's seven months old. I've taken him running maybe three or four times total. Today we happen to have run four miles, which I admit is a lot, but the damn dog was driving me crazy, HE HAS SOME ENERGY is all I'm saying.

Anyway, so we have been going through this thing with his heart worm medicine, where there is apparently a different dose for under 50 pounds and it goes up after 50 pounds. When we got the dog he was about 44 pounds, so they have been giving me one month of heart worm medicine at a time, because we know at some point he will go over 50 pounds. So, we go out for our run and afterwards, I remember he is due for his heart worm. So, I take him to the vet without an appt. because we just need a weight and a damn heart worm drug, he has already had all the testing, this is no big deal. And that wasn't a big deal. He is now 52 pounds, so I got a six month supply so I don't have to go through this again. But at some point when I'm chatting with the vet assistant she mentioned how energetic he was (he was, he was making an ass of himself), and I said yeah, and this is after a four mile run, it's hard to wear him out! So, they bring me the heart worm medicine and I ask another question about how much to be feeding him given his weight now and that he is still growing. She goes back to ask the vet, and then the vet comes out, a vet I had never seen before, and she says you are feeding him fine, but I need to talk to you about his activity.

She proceeds to lecture me about how I shouldn't be running with him until he is a year old (which contradicts my regular vet's advice, a vet in the same practice) and to stop running with him. I protested that we don't run fast and I only run with him perhaps once a week, and she was like "you can walk him as much as you want, but no running."

So, I've posted to Facebook because I have a couple of friends on there who are real dog people. We'll see what they say. Whatever. I don't even know that vet, and I'm also irritated that the bitch vet assistance felt the need to tattle on me.

The dog did fine, just by the way. He was barely even tired.

So, I realized after I left that I was so flustered with the lecturing vet that I left the place without paying for the heart worm medicine. Oh well. Serves them right. I'm not calling or going back in either, they can just call me and have an awkward conversation.

Commitment

He said to me, kid
Of all the stupid things I ever did
You know I let go when I should have pulled her in
And he he handed me his cell phone
But when I called you were on a plane
Moving back to Portland for the rain
- Matt Nathanson

I'm in lovely Portland this evening where a gentle warm breeze blows through the quaint downtown. After cheese fries and Mac and cheese and wine and yes a wedge salad, I went for a run. Two miles. It wasn't pretty, and it was after 9pm, and my cell phone and thus my music died. But it got done.

Extraordinary

We've gotta let go of all of our ghosts
We both know we ain't kids no more
If you're ready
If you're ready
If you're ready
I am ready
- Adele

By some act of extraordinary benevolence on the part of Mother Earth, it rained all night and was a cool 78 degrees this August morning. So I seized the moment and went for a run outside. It was so freeing and inspirational - it reminded me that things will be ok. It WILL cool down, I will enjoy my exercise routine again, I will drop some of these extra pounds I've added through this difficult summer. I will return to the mountain! I'm grateful for the glimpse through a tiny window of hope this morning.

This happened

And you had best believe
That you cannot build what I don't need
And I know I need to feel relief
- Chvrches

Well I haven't been blogging but that's because I haven't been running. I got a verbal lashing yesterday and was committed to getting off my ass. But not til today. But then today went to shit fairly quickly. But I retained my resolve and went straight to the gym from work. And I did 2.5 miles. My joints ached a little from my unintentional 10 days off, starting in Vegas and ending in the beautiful pines. And yes, as my sister reminded me, running always makes one feel better. And it did tonight. But also the wine and moon pies are making me feel better. Just sayin.

There are no free maxi pads in America

Nor tampons seemingly at any cost. 

I spent a day and a half since I last blogged being mad at my sister for something she never said (totally me, nothing on her), went to work and ate 500 calories worth of Cadbury chocolate (the milk chocolate kind with nuts and fruit [these details are obviously important]), which I wouldn't have even had except that I had to run to the Walgreens for goddamn maxi pads because apparently the machines in my building are just pretend maxi pad machines that steal your dimes along with your hopes for a normal day. So then I had to go lay down in our office quiet room for a small nap, obviously. All of this being pretty clearly explained by my rather fragile hormonal state. 

But I ran four miles anyway, and this after bumming a tampon off some girl in the locker room because I am not responsible enough to either have some in my gym bag nor remember to bring any of the ones I just goddamn bought at Walgreens, which I am sure is to the surprise of exactly nobody. Also noting that my goddamn gym does not have a tampon machine in the ladies locker room at all, real or pretend, and what the serious fuck????

But apparently my faith that exercise will always and only make me feel better and never worse is unshakable. And also correct. 

So then I soaked in the hot tub with four or five old men. I wore my headphones but actually eavesdropped on their conversations about their various ailments, medical specialists and generally applaud each other for being old and it was kind of nice. One of them went on a nice rant about bike riders riding on the sidewalk and on the wrong side of the road which I especially appreciated, being that I also generally hate bike riders. 

Anyway, so I did what I feel is somewhat of a community service, in showing all the other women that the hot tub doesn't belong to the old men. I mean, maybe there aren't ever any women in there because they are rightfully disgusted at the likely cesspool of germs that is the gym hot tub, but maybe not, maybe they don't go in because the old men hog it and they don't feel welcome. 

Anyway, this time there was a really hot tattooed guy sitting on the bench next to my towel and despite my immediate request that he hand it over to me, he sadly did not offer to towel me off. 

Bring It To The Front

I've got a cute face
Chubby waist
Thick legs in shape
Rump shaking both ways
Make you do a double take
Plan rocker show stopper
Flo fropper head knocker
Beat staller tail dropper
Do ma thing motherfuckers

                 -Missy Elliot


I guess I have a lot to say today. So I went to the gym and ran four miles (which was probably too much.... afterwards I had to come home, eat a smash burger and sleep for two or three hours), which was all fine and well. Gross old guy who hit on me a few months ago was there, so I had to keep an eye on him, but that only marred the last mile. 

And for the second time, I wore this stupid bikini in the hot tub and it was no big deal. There is a certain genre of fat girl empowered Facebook and blog posts that involves them wearing bikinis and not giving a shit (and yes, we have established I'm not a fat girl, just go with me here). I've always sort of hated this trend, not because I am judging their choices, I couldn't possibly give a damn what anyone wears, but the idea of the wearing of a bikini symbolizing body positivity, confidence, or empowerment just bugs me. And in personal terms, I wasn't about to wear one ever. 

But I have this problem. It's mainly a waist/boobs ratio problem, and in the main it's a perfectly good problem to have, except when it comes to swimwear, which is insistent upon building in a bra to any given swimsuit. This leads to every single swimsuit that ever fits my boobs is too big everywhere else. I have, for the most part, resolved this issue by wearing a regular swimsuit bottom, my own older or otherwise unacceptable but still useful bra, and a shape wear type camisole, which is mostly indistinguishable from a regular tankini, except that it actually fits, keeps the ladies where they belong, and I'm comfortable wandering around any given pool or beach area in such a get up. This works perfectly well in the usual neighborhood pools, hotel pools, or beaches. The shape wear isn't swimwear, though, so it doesn't hold up the same, it isn't designed to withstand chlorine the way a real swimsuit is. In normal circumstances, it lasts long enough, and since it's pretty inexpensive, it doesn't matter that much. 

But then there is the gym. The gym pool and particularly the gym hot tub (yes, I LOVE the gym hot tub, the big pool of cooties that it undoubtedly is, I still use it) is so highly chlorinated I'm surprised it doesn't eat my skin off. So anyhoodle, when I wear the shape wear thing in the gym pool or hot tub, it wears out as soon as I only wear it once or twice, so it just doesn't work that well. 

So a few weeks ago I came across a bikini top at Old Navy (oh Old Navy, how you warm my soul) which actually fit and I had this swimsuit bottom from Target that would go with it. But I didn't actually wear it. 

As usual, my uncomfortable feelings about any given thing just have to be given enough time to be outweighed by my annoyance at being inconvenienced by it. This happened with locker rooms, where at first I would never get undressed in front of other people. That lasted until I got sick of being inconvenienced by it and irritated at myself, it's a goddamn locker room, people get undressed there. So, my insecurity eventually got overruled by the necessity of a quicker and more convenient change. Same with running during work hours. I used to not want to do it, because you get all sweaty and disheveled and then you have to still work the rest of the day like that. But quickly enough, it became more important to me to get the run in than what any of my co-workers or employees may have thought about my sweaty and disheveled appearance. I had running to do, who gives a shit if that means I'm not as put together the rest of the day? 

Same with the stupid bikini. I want to soak in the damn hot tub, and this has become more important than what anyone might think about my chubby self wandering around exposed. Plus, it makes it easier to change without that extra layer. 

Anyway, so today I noted a couple of things whilst wearing the bikini. To whit:

1. Men routinely wander around that pool area in all manner of undress. Fat, hair, wrinkles and rolls displayed for the world and they do this seemingly without a care in the world. It's like they are allowed to just have bodies and not concern themselves with the particulars. But I'm supposed to somehow always present a perfect abdomen? Or at least one that is covered up? The hell with that, I say!

2. I believe I got hit on by a woman. This guy and this lady were talking on the bench where I had put my towel and I tried to just wait it out, but I was really hot and wanted to get out, so I finally interrupted them and said "can you throw me that towel right behind you?" and the lady goes "Sure I will, I'll even wrap it around you!" Weird, right? Anyway, it is admittedly a nice change of pace from being hit on by the gross old man.

These Changing Years

But making mistakes is a part
Of life's imperfections born of the years
Is it so wrong to be human after all 

                         -Level 42


I've been doing okay, I did 11 miles last week. Not my best week, but not the worst either. This week I'm a little behind, but no big deal. I didn't go on Monday because I didn't feel like it. Tuesday I didn't have time, and Wednesday I was sad. But I did a strong four miles on Thursday and three with the dog yesterday. I'll probably hit the gym today a bit later. 

I made an ass of myself a few weeks ago, and told Sandy I would blog about it but haven't. Probably because it kind of sucks to write about times when you are an ass. But anyway, I have written about this before. What happened was this girl at work, who is bigger than me, was saying something about how her pants from Old Navy were too big, and before considering anything, I was all "oh, yeah, them and The Gap, they do such vanity sizing that you can't sometimes tell what size you are this year..... I bought some jeans at The Gap a few weeks ago, and they're a size  8!! AS IF I'm a size 8!!!!" I said all this with the chummy "big girl to big girl" intimacy, like she would, of course, know exactly what I'm talking about. But she just looked confused and said "well, what size are you usually?" It was then that I realized my mistake and I awkwardly said "well, usually I would be a size ten." And at that point I really felt stupid, because who complains about stupid shit like this other than perfectly normal sized women, trying to make friendly conversation with other women by complaining about size. I loathe those women. 

But the thing is, even though I try, I do slip into this. It's hard for me to see my body as it exists in reality. I am constantly seeing myself as either far smaller than I am or far bigger than I am. I used to play a fun game with Chris where I would point to other women and ask if I am bigger or smaller than that woman. I stopped because it turns out it wasn't that much fun for him. Whatever. 

My point is, I currently weigh between 187 and 190 on any given day. I have been in this weight range for I think at least four years now. To me, this still seems pretty big. After all, it is still obese according to the admittedly absurd BMI charts (although right on the border, and I can be overweight or obese according to these charts on any given morning, depending on how much dinner I ate the night before). And vanity sizing IS a thing. In high school, I weighed less than this, and wore a size 14. Then again, it should be noted that at least 10 or 15 pounds of my weight is straight up boobs, which despite any weight loss, have decided they aren't going anywhere. But none of this is the point. 

The point is, my body appears to others as a perfectly normal body. Sure, some might see me as overweight, others might see me as totally normal and who really gives a damn? Nobody. The point is, I AM NO LONGER VERY FAT. And I therefore do not get to belong to the big girls club anymore. And maybe that's a shame, because there are some very cool girls in that club. But the fact is, I gave up my membership when I made the decisions I did in order to be smaller. And being smaller is, in fact, easier. It is a hard life moving through the world in a very fat body and as a woman and I am not brave like some of my heroes in life (Lindy West, Ragen Chastain and Lesley Kinzel to name just a few), who live out loud and in fat bodies. I'm not judging my choice or theirs, we all have our battles to fight and our lives to live and we all make compromises sometimes and take stands at other times. 

But you can't have it both ways, and when you try you just look like a dick. Here's hoping I can be more mindful next time, and just not engage in the body or diet talk as a shortcut to intimacy or friendship with other women. It's one of those things that is easy, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.

Not my Intro

It's been all summer. No running, all excuses, traveling, eating my emotions, falling back into old habits. Divorce, depression, anxiety, excitement, success, frustration, the list goes on...


This is all I can manage to share today. To me, from me.

So.... screw... no.... Fuck you depression. Fuck you rut. Fuck you divorce, and expectations and failure, fuck you finances, and negative souls, and toxic relationships, unhealthy love, fuck you rejection and pain. Two small miles for the books, one giant fucking leap towards taking care of me. Because I matter, and I am worth it. I am worth-y.

Thanks for letting me join your blog. Cheers.

2 miles + yoga

I won't only love you when you're winning
Other fools pretend to understand
Come on take my hand, we'll go down swinging
- Matt Nathanson, Bill Murray
This song makes me weepy.

So something interesting tonight. I decided to try to focus more on meditation in yoga. So as we're warming up I'm focusing on my breathing and repeating my mantra "ohm nama shivaya" which means "I honor the divinity that resides inside me" (this I read in the infamous navel gazing book Eat Pray Love). So anyway about halfway in, after a difficult sequence, everyone was lying on their mats in child's pose and I was standing in the back drinking water. And I caught myself in the mirror across the room and gazed at my image standing, whilst everyone else was down. And as I watched, my image faded, and then disappeared. All that was left was a soft ball of light, and then that was gone too. And I was staring in the mirror but I wasn't there. I'm not kidding, this happened. So then I blinked my eyes hard and opened them and there I was again. I don't know what to make of this. Probably light headed from the exercise. But the room and other people didn't disappear. Just me.

While the gettins good

No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
- Jimmy Eat World, 23

I went to the gym tonight after going him and eating dinner after work, which is a miracle in itself. I started on the treadmill and did two incline miles. Near the end of the second, I was doing a sprint finish, therefore sweating and mega focused. And this girl on the treadmill next to me starts waving her arms and then actually leans in and taps me on the shoulder. I jumped off the treadmill startled, and pulled my headphones out. Clearly she had to warn me of some imminent danger right? Why else would any stranger interrupt someone's workout that way? Either imminent danger or ... She needed to go to the bathroom and wanted me to "watch her treadmill." Tomor event it from running away I suppose. Because goddess knows every other treadmill in the row was empty, so she can't possibly be worried someone would take it. So I just nodded dumbly and she walked away and I realized I'm now stuck on this treadmill while she goes to the bathroom even though I had been planning to move to the track. So I did another half mile, and when she got back she didn't even say thank you. So then I did a mile on the track. 3.5 tonight and generally feeling good for the third day in a row. But good god I can't wait for fall.

All we ever do

I'm feeling low, feeling high
Feeling down, why isn't this enough?
- The head and the heart

I hit the gym today and did two miles on the track followed by a bitch of a yoga class. I don't know why I feel the need to torture myself on the treadmill when I can run the track, but that in itself can be torturous. The Sunday afternoon yoga class is always a tough one and I didn't do well today. It's been two weeks since I did yoga and it's always tough after a break. But I feel good from the couch this evening.

All they got inside is vacancy

It might sound silly

for me to think childish thoughts like these

but i'm so tired of acting tough

and i'm gonna do what i please

      - White Stripes

A fun little ditty I've been enjoying from a band I usually don't. 

The dog and I did the mini-incline and subsequent run down the mountain four times today, resulting in 800 steps and 2 miles. I would have gone a third mile on the flat track nearby, but we were both pretty damn exhausted and I decided two was enough. It puts me at 16 for the week and I'm feeling really good, so that's all good! I need to get in some yoga though! That stabby pain in my ankle/foot that had gotten lots better when I was doing the yoga or flow on the regular is back more often and it sucks. 

Cynical (Saturday Night Losers Club)

There's a cynical feeling saying I should give up

You said everything you'll ever say

There's a moment of panic when I hear the phone ring

Anxiety's calling in my head

Is it back again?

Are you back again?

 - Blink 182

I was at the gym tonight between the hours of 7 and 8pm. The hour when the staff just want you to go home. I started out with the goal of 3 miles at 4:1 lap walking ratio to ensure I didn't get tired and try to quit. Then I decided I could do half more to get me to 10 for the week. Then I decided I could do half more to get to 10.5. So I ended on 4 which I was pretty happy with. I haven't been to yoga in over a week so I need to go tomorrow. I then went to the grocery store, which was a mistake obviously. My anxiety is kicking in again. 

Miles of Light Explode

People always told me
That bars are dark and lonely
And talk is often cheap
And filled with air
Sure, sometimes they thrill me
But nothin' could ever chill me
Like the way they make
The time just disappear

         - My Morning Jacket

I did four good enough miles this morning, bringing me to ten for the week so far, and I still have the whole weekend left. I didn't go to yoga, like I said I would. Oh well. It's the week before school and between the boy starting high school, football, and the girl preparing to head off to college, things have been a bit busy around these parts. 

So now I'm in our favorite pub, having a beer with my partner, so I suppose the weekend is off to a good enough start. Cheers!

3 things went wrong (or gym politics)

Have I ever steered you wrong?
Have I ever strung you along?
- Decemberists

I packed my gym clothes and brought them to my meeting. I headed straight from my meeting to the gym. I desperately searched my car for headphones and was sorely disappointed. Undaunted, I went into the locker room and changed. Wherein I realized I had a thin headband but no ponytail holder. Which any woman recognizes as the kiss of death to a workout dream. Whilst contemplating this tragedy I realized I forgot my inhaler in the car, which would make any attempt at running more difficult. My allergies have been intolerable. So I went back out to my car and returned my gym bag, and commenced a second futile search for headphones, which again failed. Back in the gym I filled up my water and headed up to treadmill land only to realize I forgot my inhaler again. I bowed my head and kept moving forward, recognizing that if I returned to my car again I would most likely drive away. Fast. So I hopped on and started slowly and focused on controlling my breath. I turned my music up high so I could hear it, which of course meant everyone else could as well. But I will be damned if I'm gonna run without my tunes. Plus everyone else remembered their headphones. Guy comes up and gets on the machine next to me, which I find slightly annoying because there are six empty treadmills NOT next to me. But I ran on. Girl comes up and gets on the machine on my other side, which severely annoyed me because there are FIVE OTHER EMPTY TREADMILLS THAT ARE NOT NEXT TO ME. And she has the kahonas to look oddly at my blaring phone. I looked at her and was going to offer to move if it bothered her, given the plethora of other treadmill choices. But she wouldn't look at me. So I ran on. And then I heard her HUMMING. As if to drown out my music. Because goddess knows she couldn't have possibly selected a treadmill away from the nut job with the blaring phone. But I digress. All of this is to say that three sweaty hair flinging miles got done.