I'm still thinking about the movie, so it made a pretty big impact on me. I have to tell you that my own behavior bugged the shit out of me and is still bugging me. I was having one of those days where my brain talks like grandma. Everybody I look at, I have a mean thought. Hateful thoughts that come out of nowhere. I don't get those days very often any more. (I used to have them a lot more.) But it was that kind of day and I hadn't been able to talk myself out of it, and I wanted popcorn and candy for the movie but I was afraid of being judged because I thought everybody in the theater would be runners and they would think... well, the hateful things I was thinking about myself. No need to type them out. There were probably 10 people total in the theater. And yes, they were runners, and they were eating popcorn too. So what the fuck? Did I stop there? No, I saw the ladies in my row wearing running shoes and I thought, I should have worn my running shoes to identify me as a runner. I guess I felt I needed to prove my presence there was justified. Idiotic! Maybe I am being too hard on myself... wanting to identify with a community is normal, and one of the ways we do that is through the things we wear. Anyway I had to get that off my chest.
I think the run was how Hitchcock mourned his wife. She clearly meant the world to him and losing her was so devastating to him. He couldn't really mourn in front of the kids and our culture doesn't allow a lot of time for grief, especially for men. I know that running is incredibly cathartic for me. I work out all kinds of stuff as I listen to the steady rhythm of my breathing and my feet hitting the ground. Walking isn't the same, it doesn't do the same thing. I think by the end, he was a different person, and he was his own person who was a widower and was still living and his life was ok. By the end he had something to live for, and it seemed like before he ran he felt there was nothing keeping him tied to living except that his kids needed him. And that makes grieving harder.
The thing I liked most about the whole thing is that he actually did it.
I took today off but I did 2 yesterday with a little more running. I am hoping to do 3 tomorrow.
Hmmm. That does sound like a bad day! I went right after work, in my work clothes. My theater was pretty empty too, but I didn't notice what anyone else was wearing. But you know, I don't think I was expecting a bunch of runners for some reason, I was more expecting sort of the hoity toity documentary film crowd. I think there was both in my theater. I ate fried chicken fingers and a bag of chips that I snuck in, since I didn't have time to eat dinner. I kind of chuckled to myself about that, but didn't think much else about it.
ReplyDeleteJust keep going, Missy, you will start to feel better, I am sure of it!
I can understand your anxiety about being judged though. I have certainly had that in other situations. The first time I went into a running store I about had a panic attack and I cried while driving there, it was awful. I was sure they would take one look at me and laugh me out of the store.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our own brand of crazy, I guess.
Haha!! Hoity toity documentary crowd!!
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm bummed I missed the movie.
ReplyDelete