#memories

I am not done changing
Out on the run, changing
Sometimes I wonder if she'll be the one
When I am done changing
- John Mayer

Long workweek in Boston but I did get outside for a two mile run tonight.

Good morning

I lied to you. I lied to you.
I lied to your face in the summer
You had long hair then
I'm coming back from the dead
- Bleachers

I ran a 5k on this beautiful morning in 38:40 or around 12:20 min miles. According to the website though, it was 11:20 so I'm going with that. I did the mountain yesterday for the first time this fall and brought fat dog along so I could carry her. But not. She's just not up for the long hikes anymore and she needed many breaks. But also it was rather warm. On thurs I did 3.5 around the lake, 3 on Tues and 2 on Monday. I always do better when I'm busy and what with having decided to sell my house last Friday and selling it Thursday and buying a new house yesterday, I've been rather busy. So excited I'm finally going to see It with baby girl today.


- Sandy

When the heat gets hot

So I've been too anxious to get out on the lake route after work- so I did it this week. 3 miles at 5pm on Tues at 108 degrees. Yeah it was kinda miserable but wonderful at the same time. There's always a little breeze blowing around the lake. Yesterday I did 3.5 at 6p, walked the last 1.5, and went over two bridges and was rewarded with this view. And it was only 103 and in the shade.

Rocks

Lord knows I still ain't rich
And I wear the same old jeans
But the rocks that they keep throwing are the ones that build my dreams
- Life of Dillon

Two god awful miles on the treadmill tonight.

It counts goddamn you

Tonight after two margaritas I went for a 5 mile power walk around a lake under the Texas moon.

I don't recommend running

After Texas BBQ. Just something to keep in mind based on my experience tonight. It would be a blessing if farts actually worked as propulsion.

Every time you're feelin empty
You better thank your lucky stars
Cause if you ever felt one breaking
You'd never want a heart ❤️
- Miranda Lambert

Flowers

Flowers keep on flowerin
- Roger Clyne

Three more today and I was quite a bit more tires than the last two days but I picked some beautiful sunflowers and now I'm going fishing with my new rod and bait!

Lake song. Again.

Now we arise
To curse these these young suburban villains and their ill-begotten children from the lawn
- Decemberists, Lake Song

This line always makes me laugh and this is one of my most favorite songs, particularly apropos this weekend as I run around the lake. 3 yesterday and 3 today. Feeling stronger baby.

Come to me now
And on the station wagon window set the ghosts of your two footprints that they might
Haunt me when you're gone
And when the light grew dawn
You were forever gone

The drowned

Tell me now, tell me this
A forest's son, a river's daughter
Our ghosts will wander all of the water
- Decemberists

Gym again tonight at 8pm and 2.5 on tready. I'll take it.

Precious bones

If you call, then let me pass
You may render me a wreck when I come back
So calm your waves, and slow the churn
And you may have my precious bones on my return
- Decemberists, Annan Water

This is the only band I've listened to since Travelers' Rest several weeks ago (note the apostrophe). It's kind of an obsession. I so love his vocabulary. So tonight is the second night in a row I've actually gone to the gym. I'm feeling good about that. The treadmill isn't so bad when I've had a good suck on my inhaler. I can get my heart rate up to 160 and still get all the air I want, like gulping great mouthfuls of cold water. So 2.5 tonight at inclines.

To dad

I ran across this little guy on my run tonight. My second run this week. August has been tough and I never really got any momentum this summer. Bring on September. Please.

"She had no heart so hardened." - Decemberists



- Sandy

FOR THE RECORD

I did run on Monday before work, 2.5 mi. I did not manage the early rising again until today when I didn't have to get up until 7. So I did another 2.5. AND NOW I AM HEADED TO THE MOST AWESOME INAUGURAL TRAVELERS REST MUSIC FESTIVUS IN MONTANA!!!!! Woot woot!!! I may or may not exercise depending on my state of euphoria, drunkenness, hungoverness, or general sloth.

"You rise to me and I'll blow you down."
The Decemberists

It got done

I'm not scared and I'm not lonely
Not saving all my money or my breath
Not looking for an answer
Or asking anyone to second guess
- indigo girls

Well dammit. I left for the gym without my inhaler and I didn't want to turn around because I was afraid I wouldn't leave again. And I slept like hell last night so I didn't get up this morning. Nevertheless, I persevered. I got two miles in on the treadmill and again I could only go a quarter mile without walking. My heart rate was only 115 the first time I walked and yesterday I maintained 150 to 160 for the whole mile. I don't know why I have to keep justifying myself. I think I'm afraid I'm just making excuses and being lazy, despite all evidence to the contrary. Anyway it got done and now I sit on the couch of righteousness watching the bachelorette. Tomorrow I get to go to Charleston, SC, which has been on my bucket list for a long time. I built in some extra time Thursday morning hoping I will have an opportunity to take a run around the city ❤️

A beautiful day

Spring is almost over and the summers comin
The days are gettin long
Waited all winter for the time to be right just to take you along
Baby get ready
- nitty gritty dirt band, fishin in the dark

I ran a 12 min mile at 2% incline at the gym today, which doesn't sound like a big deal but given I haven't even been able to run a mile without walking in awhile, it's pretty awesome. And I felt like I could keep going except that I had to get to yoga. And that was a particularly difficult and business-like class I didn't car for. Thank you inhaler, it all got done and now I'm lounging by the gym pool breaking in my new bathing suit. I downloaded this goofy band after my brother talked about fishing in the dark over the 4th. This song just makes me grin.

Fighting on

You tattered me, you tethered me to you
But when the light grow dark
You were forever gone
But I remember you
You were full and sweet as honeydew
- Decemberists

Yesterday I had drinks with an old friend who knows me very well. I was lamenting g my asthma problem and how it doesn't make sense and isn't fair and how I'm supposed to use my rescue inhaler before running even though I'm on two other medications. He asked, simply, so are you going to fight it? And it's such a ridiculous question, but that has been, in fact, what I've been doing. Going on my piss poor runs, heaving and sweating, pissing and moaning. In fact he's the third person I've had this conversation with, but he addressed it in such a different matter-of-fact way that it really smacked me. Last Sunday I actually did try my inhaler before a treadmill run, and it was a decent run. I did 3.5 miles, in part because of the stroke of luck of having a dateline episode on the tv that I hadn't seen. But it was the best run I've had in a long time. And the week prior I did a good treadmill run in my hotel. So I guess I will accept this burden for what it is. After all, what's the point in fighting?

Good news bad news

Good news I just hit the hotel gym. Bad news I only did a mile. Bad news I left my room key in there and couldn't get back in. Good news I'm going to dinner.

Fear

Today I did in fact face my laziness and get up for a sweaty run before work. It was 87 degrees when I set out and 89 by the time I got home. I listened to This American Life about a guy who made a list of all his fears. So as I ran I thought about my fears, and as I took walk breaks I wrote them down. And here they are in the order they came to me.

Rejection
Vulnerability
Gaining weight
Scorpions
Violent dogs
That I will grow old alone
That I will never find love
A home intruder at night
Rape
That my kids will come to harm
That they will make bad choices
That they will be emotionally hurt by thoughtless lovers
That J will fall to addiction
That his gf will get pregnant
That I will lose my parents
That my sister will die and/or kill someone
That my brother will die
Falling
Failure

Done

So this morning for the first time in six Mondays I failed to get up and run before work. It was after 9 when I got home from an exhausting weekend of drinking and napping and even though I was asleep by 10:30 I was just so tired this morning. So I went to the gym after work and ran a mile and then did yoga. So I did earn the couch of righteousness from which I am watching g the Bachelorette and wishing someone would bring me ice cream.

Bloggity

This was not a bad week. It was all on the elliptical, however. I just am not running right now, my body doesn't like it. I've been trying to walk quite a bit, but my workouts have been at the gym on the elliptical. I've also started incorporating my abs work again and I plan to also start lifting, but just upper body at first. I like the gym, and this Spring's allergy season has been kicking my ass so severely that it makes it hard to exercise outside, plus as annoying as it will sound to my AZ peeps, it has been hot as a motherfucker here, so if I want to go outside I have to do it really early which, along with my fab sister, just isn't my strong suit. I get up early, but the last thing I care to do is get going right away running. 

Anyway, I'll try to get to the blog more often too. I'm just full of failures! I've also gained some weight that I'm none too pleased with! 

Down by the lake

This much I can say
I would've waited til the oceans fell away and all the sunken cities would reveal themselves to you
But you won't, will you?
Because you never do
- The Decemberists, Lake Song

Such a beautiful song, and funny. They curse the neighbors ill-intended children from the lawn. And big words like sybiline and prevaricate. I went for a run by the lake this morning a run/walk shall I say. It was kinda warm, but not close to what it is at home this weekend. So four runs this week. I only got up before work twice. I fully intended to try 5:30 am yoga but I realized it is not within my skillset.

We are all born goddesses

So it hasn't been a great couple weeks for exercise. Last week I went to Texas for 4 days and while I got a run in before the airport Monday, I didn't get up before work any other day. The two hour time difference is rough in the morning. I did get out for a brisk four mile walk after margaritas on Weds so yeah I'm counting that. I made no more attempt until today when I intended to do a quick run before yoga. But I forgot that the class starts at 2:45 instead of 3 so I was 15 minutes late and the door was locked. So I decided to wait for the 4pm class which is "restorative" and do 3 miles. I struggled through 2 on treadmill and one on track. The restorative class was really just stretching so I was able to spend a lot of time meditating and repeating my mantra - I honor the divinity that lives in me". It was refreshing and I realized this kind of yoga can also be good. I wish there was a middle ground at my gym. So since running is still so godawful I decided I will try yoga in the mornings instead but the only class is at 530 am. So we shall see how that goes. I know all of this is incredibly interesting but there you go.

High

The world is a curse, it'll kill if you let it
I know they got pills that can help you forget it
- K.flay

Good song here. Did three this morning.

Day 4

This is Day 4 of my new job and the fourth morning run I've done this week. Only 2.5 today and yesterday because I have to be back by 7 and try to leave by 730 to get to work by 8 for a daily 8am leadership call which will for sure be and already is the bane of my existence. I can do the call from the car which in reality is what I've been doing. But I'm pretty happy with my commitment level. So many positive things line up when I run in the morning. I eat better all day, I'm energized and alert when I get to work and I can spend my evenings relaxing.

I set out running but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might make it to work on time
- Mumford remake

I was late to my first day of work yesterday so I cut my run short this morning - 3 miles. Also I had to poop.

Desert blooms

I'm not sure if the desert gets more beautiful every year or if I'm just better at noticing. But look at this amazing tree/plant thingy! Right there on my run. It's so pretty here with all the blooming colors. I'm off work entirely this week as I decompress and recompress my brain into a good space. I start my new job in Monday! So I've been good about running every morning and did a 5.5 mile hike up to Toms Thumb on Sunday. Ive been spending mornings drinking iced tea at AJs and studying up on healthcare policy and also reading books and otherwise goofing off.

Victory

Today was truly a victory. I was up several times during the night because my neighbors car alarm kept going off and I kept thinking it was mine and that someone was trying to break in. Not a good night. Nevertheless, I persisted. Several times I decided to blow off the run and go back to sleep but when it mattered I actually got out of bed. I hit the road a full 30 minutes late but that doesn't really matter since I don't really have to be anywhere. So chalk one up for self discipline people!!! Also I'm listening to The Handmaids Tale which is all the buzz lately and it's quite creepy.

I think I'll be alone until I die
Lay here on my back and watch the sky
The stars look awfully nice out but I'm cold
I guess I should have taken her advice
- THATH

What a gorgeous morning out and Lordy I love this band. If all goes well I will see them five times this year which is certainly a record of some sort. I'm on a little high this morning. It is a beautiful thing when kids make decisions you know are right for them but you allow them the freedom to to carve their own path and they arrive at the same place as you.

She thinks you love the beach
You're such a damn liar
- Lorde, Green Light

I love this song. So dark. I had a godawful attempt at a run this morning but yesterday went fairly well. It's been tough getting up this week, maybe due to my mini bday vacay.

If I ever get around to living

It's gonna be just like I dreamed
I'm gonna take the love I'm given
And set it free
- John Mayer

I woke up this morning joyously back to feeling well. Until I went running and I thought my lungs would explode. But it's a beautiful morning out and I'm enjoying iced tea on the patio at AJs. I'm taking a long weekend to celebrate the anniversary of my birth and new beginnings.

Proud of me

It takes 30 days to form a habit, so they say. This is my fourth consecutive week of getting up at 6am to run. Granted I only got Mon and Tues last week due to a Tuesday night celebration that threw off the rest of the week (though I did go on Friday). This week I also got Mon and Tues and am now couch-ridden with the most horrific sinus cold that will most likely have me laid out tomorrow as well.

The jake factor

Cause when you're done with this world
You know the rest is up to you
- John Mayer, Walt Grace's Submarine Test

This is one of the more obscure John Mayer songs and one of my favorites. This old dude needs a change and adventure so he builds a one man fan blade powered submarine and sails to Japan and all his friends are amazed and they name their bar after him. It's kinda where I am in life. Major changes on the horizon that make me tremble if I think too deeply on them. But I may well be off on a new adventure of my own. A change of life, a change of scenery, a changing of the seasons. So this the third week of my 6am adventures, I got a bit of a late start as getting out of bed proved challenging. So I was a few minutes behind and ran most of the last mile just because I wanted to get home before he left. Seeing his little smile as he's off to his day just brightens my morning. I miss him already.

For the record

Today I did a lot. I woke up at 6 and did a fairly less miserable 3.5 miles around the hood and then I joined a friend for a 4.5 mile hike this evening. Damn busy day and I'm tired. I even did a little work in between. But just a little.

Desert blooms

I didn't have to exercise today but I went because I wanted to. A novel concept, that. I did 3 yesterday to get my 5 days in last week. I went once in Atlanta and that wasn't great either but I went. Today it was beautiful outside even after my nap so I went to the mountain. I ran some of it but not much. The desert is in bloom and I truly did stop often to admire the flowers. I love the flowers that the saguaros get but it's still a couple weeks early for that. I had an awful dream during my nap that I had reached out to my ex bf and he rejected me and I was so angry at myself for doing that, so I was contemplating that on the mountain. My instinct is to be frustrated with myself for still thinking on these things, but I didn't spend much time there. I am where I am, and frankly I'm quite happy with life. After my hike I went to AJs and drank iced tea on the patio while finishing my podcast. It's a beautiful evening.

My week isn't starting off well

I'm trying to get back into my Sunday Stair Climb routine, now that the weather is nicer. But today did not go well. I did 600 stairs and was on my third lap down the mountain when this disaster struck. I had gone two miles at that point and decided to call it good. I was struggling anyway and not sure I was going to be able to finish my planned 1000 stairs and 3 miles anyway. I need to work up to where I was, I suppose. Plus, it was windy and pretty goddamn miserable despite not being extremely cold. Next time I'll wear long pants. Maybe I'll just make long pants a rule whenever I run trails, since this isn't exactly the first time I've experienced this, as our two or three regular readers must know. In fact, now that I think on it, I've done this on regular streets as well although only once that I can remember, so I should probably just wear pants outside no matter what, and save the damn capris for gym days only. For Christ sake, what a klutz I am. 

Next Sunday I'll make my goal 800 stairs. Anyway, I'm including a pic of after I got cleaned up so you can see it isn't as bad as it initially looked, and nobody saw, so nothing lost except a layer of skin or two and luckily that grows back pretty efficiently. 

Shine

"When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's like this souped up shine. And you feel like you're in the club and you don't even know what the club is, you just know you want to stay in it."
- Do Listen Twice podcast

This quote hit me like a punch in the gut this morning. It resonates. Run done this morning and super proud to say it's my second week of getting up at 6 and it feels good. The runs haven't been good, but I'm focused on the victory that is running at 6:25am. I'm ok letting my body adjust. Yesterday I was also up at 6 for a 5k in a vineyard which turned out to be a godawful slog through dusty trails and then a wine tasting for those who enjoy wine at 9am. Which remarkably isn't me.

Like It's Nothin'

He's the fire and the sin

And I burn breathin' him in 

Now this love is suicide

And I sell my soul for the high 

           - Bryce Fox (with pronoun liberties)

Love this song. Kind of obsessed with it, in fact. This was my week, and it was damn good. I think those are all running miles, but I can't remember about last Sunday, maybe I did the elliptical that day. Anyway the weather is warming and it's time for some runnin' and some stair climbin'!!

I got some serious new kicks that I'm hoping will alleviate this damn foot pain that periodically plagues me, I'm back in the Brooks Ariel, after having to forgo them for a couple of years when they re-designed them and I couldn't fit into them anymore. I guess they fixed them because these feel good. But those Saucony Hurricanes have never been as supportive as they once were, despite all kinds of re-designs, and I'm wondering if they just weren't supportive enough of my big wide boat feet. 

Anyway I'm off to test them out. 

Shit town

"I've about had enough of shit town and the stuff that goes on."
- S-town podcast

So I'm listening to this new podcast during my run, and this was said by an effeminate deeply southern dude and it made me giggle. Fourth morning in a row I've been up at the ungodly hour of 6am and on the road by 6:30. Also 6th day in a row workout. Yay me. Aside from falling down the stairs Monday at my Dr office it's been a productive week.

All I'm Asking

I feel like I've been here before

I chose the wrong path

I opened the wrong door

But I've been trying 

I been trying 

           - The Band of Heathens

This morning was absurd. I woke up late, sister told me to get it done anyway.  I had to go to the gym, it was snowing and gross outside. And at some point I needed to at least pretend to work. I ended up forgetting to brush my teeth, forgot deodorant and left my water bottle at the gym. I didn't get to work until around 10, which thankfully nobody seemed to notice. I then proceeded to talk to same sister on the phone for another half hour. 

But the goddamn run got done. Even though the smell at the gym today was me. Even though any productive work seems unlikely. And even though I overslept. Go me. 

"Not having anything isn't a big deal when you don't want anything."
- This American Life, Testosterone

Fantastic podcast on my run this morning. Really made me understand dudes and stereotypes. You read that correctly btw, I ran this morning. It's my new thing. I was loathe to commit to it publicly but here it is. I require structure in my life and without it I tend to fall off into sloth. Kids provide structure, because there's so much to be done, you don't even think about it you just fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted. When kids grow up and leave there's a void of structure (among other things). I'm unhappy with my fitness level and my diet and my activity level and my job. So I'm getting up at 6 and running. That creates such positive energy and motivation for the day, along with a sense of freedom because I don't have to worry about when or where or how I'll get my exercise in, or whether or not I can dredge up the motivation. I get up at six, choke down coffee, and go. And then I'm done.

It's Morning In America

I've been trying to keep up with all of these great expectations

So I keep on fakin'

                   -Jon Bellion

I love this song. I got up this morning and went for a run. I was anxious about it because I haven't been running a lot in general, and had to take a week off of any working out because of a cold that I'm just now getting over, but it went well! I took the dog, who is still learning my pace (he seems to think we should be going faster.... he has much to learn) but he did okay. And now I'm done for the day, and didn't even have to pack my gym bag! Solid. 

Hubris

My hubris is such that I simply can't read anything somebody else writes. But, my intelligence and my creativity is such that I require help.
- Mike Rowe, The Way I Heard It

I love this podcast and it's a great distraction for a bleak road run as I did this morning. The first mile was jilted and awkward because I had to poop, even though such business had already been done earlier in the morning. So I was less motivated the second mile, but thankfully a man in red passed me going the other direction, which caused me to start running again because I can't have anyone see me walking, and then turned around and threatened to pass me again going my direction, so I had to run more than I wanted to. And yeah he still passed me but I'm grateful for the kick in the ass.

Here's my week

 Which is better than the week before and the week before that. I added in stairs since hiking season is coming up. So I've been doing 4 elliptical miles and then 20 minutes of stairs. 

My weight is higher than I want it to be, and I've been really struggling with eating well. But then what else is new under the sun. 

The end of the beginning

His purpose did not flag nor did his heart falter . . .
And he was lonely
but did not find loneliness in any way a bad or ignoble thing.
The dark came down and the world moved on.
- Stephen King, The Gunslinger

Damn the book is over. No wonder I couldn't get through it the first couple times. 90% of it was a walk through the desert and the last 10% was a long conversation. Onward and upward. My purpose hasn't flagged, and yet this is the first week in 2017 that I've exercised five times. I did three miles around the hood today in the 90 degree heat and I walked home. My lungs ache as per usual. Hiking picrotcho leak tomorrow with baby girl and her bf. And the world moved on.


- Sandy

The man in black

I did the mountain this evening thanks to an invitation from a friend. And it appears we have caught up to the man in black.

Three

He is too young to have learned to hate himself yet, but that seed is already there.
Given time, it will grow and bear bitter fruit.
- Stephen King, The Gunslinger

Another three miles today and still chasing the man in black.

Mighta been pretty

She might have been pretty when she started out
But the world had moved on since then
- Stephen King, The Gunslinger

So my thing now is podcasts and I've been listening to those when I run. On my long drive to pinetop yesterday I decided to try an audiobook (gasp). I always thought I didn't have the attention span to do that as my mind wanders when I read and I often ha e to go back and reread chapters. But this has a handy 15-second rewind! Anyway it keeps my mind focused while I'm driving and I'm less likely to think about texts or emails. See, I learn my lessons. Anyhoodle, I've wanted to read this series for awhile and I tried a couple years ago and I just couldn't get past the part where he follows the man in black through the desert. I'm starting to think that's the whole book. I did three miles around the lake today and I gotta pay myself on the back because while it was sunny, it was 45 degrees. Might as well have had ice-sickles on my nostrils.

Amazing

Amazing, the effort we put in 
Amazing, the emotional bridges, tunnels, roads, and ways
We go around what's one step from our face

I see it clearly now

- Jimmy Eat World - You Are Free

So, I don't feel amazing in any way. It seems like exercise days have become the exception rather than the rule. But it's just so goddamn miserable!  Is this what getting old is?  I imagine I will keep plugging away and one day I will have a good one. Last Sunday I walked the mountain because I was still getting over this nasty chest cold. I ran/walked three one day last week, probably Monday, and then I went to Texas. And then I was tired and then there was fun to be had, yadda yadda yadda, it's today and I did another pathetic three. 

Small things

I felt a tiny bit good on a small portion of my run this evening. This is a glorious development because I've been thinking lately that I really don't like running anymore. It's all sweat and labored breathing and slow agony. So the smallest of victories today was meaningful. Yesterday I did the same 3.5 and it sucked. Saturday I didn't spend more than 3 consecutive minutes away from my couch. That's life I suppose. Now for the Bachelor and all praise for small pleasures. Also, I listened to a podcast while running today and yesterday. I think that's going to be my new thing instead of music for awhile. It's a nice distraction. Like an episode of dateline in my ears.

Leave me alone, I'm busy!

I only got three in this week and I barely made it today, so it could have been worse. First the dog needed a hair cut. Then I needed a hair cut (and highlights). Then I had to procure food for the bottomless pit that is my 15 year old boy. Then I had to take a nap. Then I had to read an essay that made me cry. Then I finally made it to the gym, and now I have a movie to get to. I barely had time for a short hot tub, which is where this missive comes to you from. 

Mmmm breakfast

You say I got a problem

Baby, I ain't trying to solve them

I started from the bottom

And I'm up right now, yeah

I like to go where they know me

Where I ain't never feeling lonely

 - Life of Dillon, Sex for Breakfast 

This song had me laughing walking home from the gym tonight. I'm feeling good about my Monday night yoga routine, and tonight I got home in time to run there because my office closed all the bathrooms and sent us to port-a-potties in the parking lot. I wish I was joking about that. Not gonna lie, the run sucked, but I think it's getting incrementally better. I've been trying to eat well and make sure I'm getting a lot of protein. I know it will be easier to run once I've shed a few pounds. I blame my kidney for not working hard enough. Tonight I got to do yoga next to a good looking dude who took his shirt off about ten minutes in. Usually I take exception to that, but in this case I was overjoyed. And I spent the rest of class sneaking glances. 

Born ready

I do t believe in no devil
Cause I done raised this hell
I've been the last one standing
When all the giants fell
I won't shiver, I won't shake
I'm made of stone, I don't break
Start me up, open my eyes
Turn me loose and you'll see why
I was born, born ready
Starin at that pressure now
I won't quit, not backin down
- Zayde Wolf, Born Ready

I wish my run was as good as this song makes it sound, cause this is a fierce running song. I did the mountain today and it was tough. I struggled on the way up, legs and bootie weary. I did 3.5 around the neighborhood yesterday afternoon so maybe I was still tired this morning, but that run was also difficult. One thing I've learned over the years though, if you keep going it gets better. I won't quit, not backin down.

The Way Our Bodies Used To Behave

'Cause I know the old you

And you know the old me

When we were both lookers

          - The Menzingers

Chris has a few gray hairs at his temple, which I just gleefully noticed today and promptly pointed out to him. I've had gray hair for years now, it's high time he started catching up!!

Anyway here is my week, much better, no? Yes. These were all elliptical miles, for whatever that's worth (or not worth). The last run outside I did was so awful, I just wasn't up to my confidence being beaten up to try it this week. This week it was much more important to show up and have some wins. 

What is that song

That you just posted by the Dunwells? I had no music tonight as I ran on the treadmill at 9:20 pm in my hotel in Georgia after a dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and pie. An awful and victorious two miles. Also I did a barre class last night which I rather disliked but fills in for yoga this week and tonight my abs cry out every time I sneeze. Now I'm listening to the rain and thunder outside my window in the dark and it's beautiful.

We Are All Just Falling Stars

This picture in my mind

That I thought was lost in time

It reminds me of who I was

And saved me from a life

Of the dark days

Against the dark days

              - The Dunwells

It's taking me a minute to come back from this recent spate of illness and laziness, but I have worked out three times this week so I'm confident it'll happen. It's still harder than it should be, but what are you gonna do. On Monday I was even happy with anticipation to get to the gym. 

Last night I had a late meeting so this morning I went to the gym in the morning which I don't usually get to do on weekdays. I like it there during those times. The gym is full of the older set and I find their company pleasing most of the time. The locker room is full of women doing their hair, make-up and going through rituals of women and it's comforting. 

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
- Pink - Glitter In The Air

I got this song from my Sista Lo - as I recall we were sharing our personal sad songs while drinking up in Pinetop.  This song happened today when I let my Fitbit app control the music. It's beautiful and sad. The part about waiting for the ring to prove you're not alone resonated, but really only as echoes of last year. I ha e friends and I'm happy. I'm alone when I choose to be, as in today watching the game. And I hang with friends when I choose to. And always I have fat dog.  Today I ran the mountain and it felt damn good. I ran almost all the way down and no lung pain. One hour and fourteen minutes. Not bad I say. Happy I say. 

I'm Made of Stone, I Don't Break

I don't believe in no devil
'Cause I done raised this hell
I've been the last one standing
When all the giants fell

 

           -Zayde Wolf

So, this here is my week. About the best that can be said is that it was better than last week. I've been quite ill. 

But today I went running, and while there was admittedly a lot of walking, it did get done. My chest still hurts though and I'm still coughing from it. 

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have avowed that I am going to the gym! 

          

Dear Jakey

Headstrong
You and your long arms
Listing lazily
On the cusp of your teens

But you were my Jakey
And when you needed saving
I could just grab you
By the nape of your neck

There are times life will rattle your bones
And will bend your limbs
But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been

So you bend back and shake at the frame
Oh the frame you made
But don't you shake alone
Please Jakey, come home

- The Decemberists, Dear Avery

A few tears were shed on my run tonight, are still being shed. And I have my privacy because J is out being a boy with his friends on this, his 18th birthday. So can cry if I want to. The process of letting go has been a long one, and it continues. I thought this morning of the chaos he was born into, his mother having passed out in the bed and concerned doctors and family everywhere. I remember how he would never let me snuggle him before bed as a baby - he would give me the straight arm and demand to be put in his crib where he would fall asleep immediately, stroking his wisp of hair. And the nights after the divorce where he would refuse to let me leave his room, insisting that I was going to leave him. And now he's the one leaving, as it should be, one bit at a time.

Let Me Tell You Straight

Let me know I'm the one you fell in love with 

Let me know you'll call me when you need somebody strong and tall and brave

One to fix things when they break 

One to take your breath away 

Someone to stay 

        -Show Ponies

This song showed up on my Apple suggests playlist, and I love it. 

Anyway so I've been sick. An obnoxious cold turned into an even more obnoxious sinus infection that was so painful I actually had to go to the damn doctor and call in sick to work! Unheard of!! I started to feel better around Friday, but then we had a wedding reception we had to travel for and that took up the whole weekend, and then Monday I found myself planning to go, but feeling all anxious about it. Like, it's going to be hard, and I'm tired thinking about it. But today I found myself trying again to not go. So I employed the old "minimal effort" trick. Picked the least strenuous thing I could think of and told myself to do only that. Really, all that mattered was showing up, which I did. 

So I did three elliptical miles and I figured it would be easy enough and it was,  but my chest was still kind of hurty at the end, so getting back to where I was might be sort of slow. Oh well. 

Inside was an ocean
Of soul and devotion
Then you cut me open
- John Bellion, Robot

So I did the mountain yesterday and she was rather a bitch, as is her right. She reminds me that I don't own her, that I am only there by her good graces. It was a good workout though. I didn't go on Saturday. I was too busy being hungover and trying to get my head around what the hell is going on in my country. And then I went to a Nigerian party. Tonight is yoga - I've decided that Monday is yoga day. Not doing great on the goal so far this year but this will be my fourth yoga class so that's good.

Sweet mistakes

Life is full of sweet mistakes
And love's an honest one to make
Time leaves no fruit on the tree
- John Mayer, Live Forever

So I did 3 joyful and somewhat painful miles today after my Dr appt. She said my lungs sound good and that I should be using my inhaler before I run and that will ease my lung pain as my body adjusts. So I did that today and it helped tremendously although I can tell I'm not in great shape. More work to be done for sure. I did yoga in Monday and that was good too.

Changing

I am not done changing

Out on the run, changing

I may be old and I may be young

But I am not done changing

 - John Mayer, Changing 

"Some of us quit running. Some of us went home."  This is another line from this song that resonated with me today. I was talking to a friend recently about my asthma issues and my frustration, and he asked why I don't just quit running. And at first I was aghast at the thought. I love running for so many reasons. But I guess I do need to be reasonable in my expectations of my body, and maybe other kinds of exercise are better for me right now. I went 3.5 miles tonight and did the same run/walk/sprint/walk thing and it was ok although painful in the lungs. I was really grateful to be out there at all. This morning I received a message from a friend, crying hard, thanking me for saving her life. She had been cleaning out her closet and ran across all her old dialysis equipment and was overcome. She had visited her old dialysis center over the holidays to see her former caregivers, and inquired about some of her peers who had sat beside her for so many months in those chairs. A few of them had passed away. So I'm grateful that I have my healthy body to carry me even if it can't always do so in the ways I want. And grateful for the gift of life I was able to share. And also I will continue the fight against apathy. 

Cuz I'm Willing and I'm Able

She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel

So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?

             -Janelle Monae

This is my week. Yeah. I've been sick with a cold so I took the week mostly off.  But I did march today, and that counts! IT ALL COUNTS!!

A gift

Had some dreams that I will not share,
They're the last of what's buried there.
There's nothing new beneath the sun,
You're not the first or the last one.
- Wasted Fangs, Balconies

I had a relatively decent run despite myself today - or at least it felt like a decent run. It was really hard to get myself to go because it's just such a laborious thing these days. I finally went out at around four in a beautiful sprinkle of rain. I warmed up with a jog and since I can't run very far without losing my breath, I did short sprints. I ran fast for as long as I could, since I can run the same amount of time slowly before walking to catch my breath. I did that for 2.5 miles and then I walked the last mile home. I felt reasonably fatigued. So I got 3 this week because I went to Atlanta for two days.

Time to Run

I have no regrets 

I will not ask for your forgiveness

Nor your defense

              -Lord Huron

Here's my week. That run on Thursday was horrid, so we're all three runs, but that one was outside and the reason it was only 2.5 is because it was so damn cold and it took me literally the rest of the night to warm up. Plus, I had the dog with me and he pooped, so I had to carry his shit until I ran across a neighbor who had garbage cans out early for Friday pick up and then I had to feel guilty about dumping his poop in someone's trash barrel even though it was being picked up the next day. Anyway, the only good thing about how cold it was, was that I didn't really smell his poo, even though I was carrying it. I suspect it froze nearly immediately upon leaving his body. 

The rest of the week was fine. After four of those work outs I did abs work. But no yoga and I think that may be a challenge, the next two months at work are going to be pretty damn busy. 

I dont wanna know

I don't wanna know-oh-oh-oh
Who's takin you ho-oh -oh -ome
And lovin you so-oh - oh-oh
The way I used to love you no!
I don't wanna know
- Somebody and Adam Levine

I ALWAYS love me some Adam Levine. Sometimes in the war between gym and drinking, the drinking wins. And it did tonight. Work has been a giant asshole this week. I did get out of the office yesterday and run 2.5 before returning to finish the day, but it was an ugly struggly 2.5 and I wasn't proud. And tonight when I got home I drank wine instead. Cause that was a lot more fun.

Silly Season

I can see we're thinking about the same thing

Yes I see your expression when the phone rings 

We both know

There's something happening here

             - Queen Stevie Nicks

She has been anointed queen, no? If not, that should be rectified immediately! I downloaded my favorite songs of hers and tonight after a six mile elliptical kick ass and some abs work, I had myself s pretty good time in the hot tub grooving out. 

Have I told the blog about my new wireless headphones? I got some new wireless headphones which I now wear pretty much constantly around my neck, like the most bad ass necklace ever. My old ones only lasted three hours TOPS, but these last like 12!!! So I can wear them all day at work and then go work out in them and they don't die, plus they are water proof so hot tubbing is not interrupted! Granted, they are not likely helping my anti-social tendencies, but I'm not in a place right now where I give even a small shit. 

Anyway, I will leave you with this sweaty selfie I took tonight, and a fair warning that I might perhaps quote Queen Stevie all week. 

Don't people change?

There ain't no point in moving on
Till you've got somewhere to go

All those insecurities
that have held me down for so long
I can't say I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them so they're not so strong

There's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
- George Michael

This musical muse played during yoga yesterday and I loved it and I was mesmerized. So much so that I put it on repeat on my walk home from the gym. And it's so full of longing and melancholy that it made me feel like crying. And I listened again and again on the mountain today. I ran into an old classmate right in the middle. She looked beautiful and so happy it made me happy.

And I guess there's a road without you
But you once said there's a road back for every man
So here I am

My body

My body tells me no
But I won't quit cause I want more
- Young the Giant

I love this song to run to. I think my Blista Sista sent it - that woman has good taste in music. I still can't run cause of my ass-mar ($1 to anyone who gets that reference). I have to walk every quarter mile or so but I keep plugging away. It's actually quite a bit better since I got on this new medication, but I need to go back and get a higher dose I think. Anyhoo, today I'm doing my favorite workout - a 2 mile (uphill) run to the gym and then yoga. I'm gonna be very aware of what I eat tonight because yoga makes me so hungry. After last time I shoved food in my face for two hours.

I Just Knew Too Much

I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

          - Gnarls Barkley

An oldie but a goodie. I download lots of those, I have such a good time, I tell ya. 

This is my week. My gym has this app that's pretty cool and really has a good recording function for your work outs. If you are on a cardio machine you can even just snap a pic of the final readout and it'll add it to your log for you. Pretty cool, and I like being able to get weekly and monthly stats. My Fitness Pal can do this too, but I'm not nearly as consistent about recording my food as I am my workouts so I'm not as good about going into MFP, even though I do have it on my phone and I even subscribe to the upgraded version. 

Anyway, this is so boring and isn't everyone so glad I started blogging again?!

Gotta Keep On Walkin'

And I want you to know 

When your body fails you 

Know that I won't 

              -Loamlands

I'm really mad I didn't know about this band until now, since it looks like they must have broken up or something. They aren't touring. 

Anyway, I worked from home today and watched an entire season of "My 600 Pound Life", which for anyone who knows me, knows it is unusual for me to watch that much tv. This particular show makes me feel guilty, such horrid voueurism. But it's also like looking into a very strange and distorted mirror, and I look and look, trying to find what's a real reflection and what is just the funhouse. 

I did do some work, but did not go to the gym. I'll go tomorrow so I'll have four for the week. And I'll go with chris, which is good I want him to show me how to use this set of abdominal machines. 

Don't blow, mountain
Please don't show us, mountain
That the end
Is as close as it's ever been

                                  - Loamlands

I'm not committing to blogging more than once a week, just to be clear. And I'm not going to be all pressured to come up with a song every time, either, the pressure is too much! Although now I have Apple Music, and am thus unleashed on the world, and Sandy and I are total music sharing fools, so maybe it will be easier, I don't know.

Anyway, I am SO on board with this year's goal! Everything counts!! I have made a pretty firm commitment to myself to not do distance goals any more, they just suck all the joy out of working out. I started out with the 1000K running goal with Sandy and Chris and by the end of the year I was the only one realistically still in it and I was completely miserable. I ended the year well over the 1000K but only after agonizing about whether or not to "count" the damn elliptical miles I was forced to do throughout November because my foot wouldn't stop fussing at me, likely due to all the downhill running I had been doing.

So today I ran four miles (making three.... [what, what are we calling these? sessions? workouts?] for the week) and I tried very hard to go to yoga. I worked from home since it was single digits all day here with snow, but I drove to the gym, and then drove to yoga, but when I got there they were closed, probably assuming nobody would be venturing out in this weather just to pay someone to lay around and breathe (it was gentle yoga [please... like I am going to do actual hard yoga after already having run four miles, who the hell do you think I am?]). They underestimated me.

To my myriad fans, sorry I was away so long. Google stopped supporting the Blogger app, which is how I had been posting, using my phone. Then, with one iOS update or another, it stopped working. So I needed to do the thing where you can email posts to publish, but then the election happened, which obviously threw me in to a pit of dark despair from which I will likely never emerge fully, so I mean, what the hell are you gonna do, you know? If nothing matters, blogging certainly doesn't matter. (Although none of it made me skip a beat as far as working out, that continued uninterrupted and at my usual levels, and was really one of the only things that made me feel better, which I knew it would.)

Bones

There's bones in my closet but you hang stuff anyway
- John Bellion, Guillotine

The DJ on my alternative station last week listed this as his favorite and I'd never heard of the guy. Thanks to the wonder that is Apple Music, I was able to download it and I listened on my 3.5 mile neighborhood run/walk today which was very much not pretty. I enjoyed the music though and this line made me laugh. I guess we all want someone who hangs stuff with the bones, right? My closet probably doesn't have room for anything else though.

Booty hurty

I can't tell you how nice it was to go to yoga tonight and just do yoga. I didn't arrive sweaty and breathless and already tired from a run. I didn't have to worry about getting a run in after. I was noticeably less strong - it's been about three months since I last went - and I struggled with the push-ups. It wasn't a very difficult class but my muscles were fatigued after and I will likely have some soreness tomorrow. But I feel so relaxed. I may even want to run tomorrow. And I'm sure that some days I will want to run to yoga. But the key is I'm not bound to any plan. So many options!

Walking on

Walking on with no one left
Speaking softly underneath my breath
Sayin hey world you ain't seen nothing yet
Great, now it's raining.
- John Mayer - Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey 

Today I did a really cool hike in the Superstition Mountains for a couple hours with fat dog at my side. She's limping around tonight so I feel bad, I probably pushed her too far but she had a great time. Her running days are over but she still makes an energetic hiking companion, and everybody smiles at me when I'm with her, which makes it nice. I also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking up phallis jokes about this picture. But maybe it's just me. Anyhoo, I've been contemplating my goals for 2017. The goal of 1000k makes running a real grind, a chore. And it devalues any sort of other exercise. I want to have my exercise be challenging but also inspirational and enjoyable (stay with me here). For me, exercise can almost be spiritual at times, especially when I'm in nature. So I contemplated the reasons I exercise:  1.  To maintain good health, physical and mental. 2.  To maintain my weight and look good (call

me vain if you will). 3.  To be fit enough to do the things I enjoy like snowboarding and other sports.  These purposes are all served by a variety of activities. So my goal this year is to exercise purposefully 4-5 times per week. My default will likely still be running as it always has been, but hiking counts. Swimming counts. Snowboarding counts. And I need to incorporate yoga once per week as well, which counts. I know my body needs the strength and flexibility it provides. It is so decreed, 2017. 

The wrap up

So I don't have any profound or insightful lyrics to close the year with. Truth is, I'm exhausted. And damn happy to put this year behind me. I've struggled with asthma and weight gain and my running all year while traveling more than I ever have and helping J navigate senior year and contemplate his future, along with nursing a broken heart. Add to that the dark comedy of American politics and social tensions, and I'm ready to move on. There will always be better days. That's from THATH, so I guess I do have lyrics that made an impact this year. I fell short of our 1000k goal. I ended up with 530 miles (618 was the goal). Started with a bang and went out with a whimper - only 10 days and 32 miles in December. I haven't made time for yoga in a few months and I can feel it in my hips. But there will always be better days and the mountain will always be here. Don't go, mountain.