I'm Alive

Now I'm alive and I'm taking my first breath
Oh I'm alive and this time I won't forget
- Kongos

I had the best mountain run I've had in a very long time. I can say I'm in better shape now than I was before my kidney surgery last summer. I feel as good as the woman who ran mountains with a 7 and 9 year old. Perhaps not as agile though. I used to run down the mountain with such reckless abandon. It never occurred to me I might fall until I actually did. And continued doing. But that's another benefit of yoga - I can tell my ankles are so much stronger now. I haven't fallen or even almost fallen this year. Also it gives me a Kim Kardashian booty. I may not look like KK walking down the hall but I can sure feel my giant booty muscle. I sometimes have to grab it. One other thing is I've noticed my runners cough (acid reflux) has gotten way better since I've been doing more yoga. I think I've created more space in my abdomen. At least that's what the yogis wound say. One last thing I thought about in this stream of consciousness during my run - it is often lonelier being with someone else than being my yourself (i.e. someone who would rather watch reruns of The Office than engage me in conversation during a four hour flight). Just sayin.

Alright Already With The Damn Yoga!

I did a yoga class today. One of my goals was to do yoga twice a week, since Sandy is so convinced of its benefits, and really twice a week doesn't seem so bad.  It was a good class. I think the mistake I was making before was I was running first, before the class. So then the class would be hard and exhausting and I would be sweating buckets when nobody else seemed to be. But doing just yoga is also unacceptable, it doesn't feel like enough of a workout to me, and I end up just feeling like I wasted time standing around in stupid poses. So maybe the key is what I did today.... First yoga, then run three miles (with liberal walk breaks because hey, I just did yoga!). 

Anyway, judging from the various smells, I can confirm that sandy is not the first person to ever fart in a yoga class. In fact,  I'm wondering if it's some kind kind of a requirement. 

Also, a couple of the poses make me feel like I am choking on my boobs and I'm not sure how to correct for that. And "Hey, I feel like I'm choking on my boobs, how do I correct for that?" doesn't seem like a wise thing to ask in a new yoga class. Even the people farting would probably look at you funny. 

Amyway, what I liked about this class too is that you are invited to go ahead and leave early if you don't want to participate in the last ten minutes of meditation. And since that is the part of the class that tends to annoy me the most, it makes me happy to be able to get out without feeling like I'm being rude. 

A lesson in how it can all go wrong

I had my gym bag packed. Including supplies for an after-run hot tub soak. I left work, got off at my appropriate exit and.... Realized I forgot headphones.

There is no going back on forgetting headphones for me. It's a deal breaker. I will not work out in any way, shape or form without them. So. 

I came home and made dinner. And yes, I could have run outside, but I'm not going to. I'll run the trail tomorrow though. 

Kill your heroes

Well I met an old man dying on a train
No more destination, no more pain
Well he said, one thing before I graduate
Never let your fear decide your fate
- AWOLNATION

A song rather apropos for today. I've been thinking on what I want to do with my future, see. I've had a dream of living overseas for awhile to learn another culture and see the sights and appreciate the history. I've wished I took that opportunity before I settled down and had kids. Who is to say I can't do it now? Certain dreams must die if one wishes to settle down and be married, and I had let this one go. But now I'm making plans. I even made an inquiry today about a job that manages international business. When my kids go, I'm leaving too. I'm gonna find a new adventure and live the fullness of experience that life has to offer. So this was my contemplation during yoga today after running two miles.  I got there first so attention whore didn't get the prime corner spot. So I hated him less today. Also I did an awesome headstand I've never been able to do before. So yay on me!!  Also, I didn't run in sanfran. So there.

A Suspiciously Easy Three

This was my answer when Chris asked me how my run was tonight... Suspiciously easy. Which made him laugh rather heartily, which if you know Chris, you know that doesn't happen so often (although he has gotten quite a bit looser and generous with laughs in recent years, what with my lectures on how you don't actually have a lifetime maximum of laughter). 

Anyhoodle, I don't actually have anything else to report. I ran outside. For three miles. It was cold. Especially on my face. 

I think you're headed for a breakdown, so be careful not to show it

How's it gonna go down?

Will you meet him on the main line

Or will you catch him on the rebound?

Will you marry for the money

Take a lover in the afternoon?

Feel your innocence slippin away

Don't believe it's coming back soon

           -Laura Brannigan

Sometimes I'll hear a song on the 80's station and it ends up on my playlist for years. 

My gym has two rows of ellipticals and then two rows of treadmills, all facing the weight area. My favorite treadmill space is the back row, but this leads to not having nearly as good a view of men doing pull-ups as the second row elliptical, where I spent a lot of time last year. It's a real quandary, especially given that this really hot guy that had disappeared for a while is back, I saw him yesterday. I ran an extra mile so as to continue my stalkerish ways. 

Whatever gets it done, amiright???

She belongs to the earth

She belongs to the earth. She's cool. She's like you, she just runs freely and does whatever she wants.
- K, waxing poetic about a stray cat she took in. And comparing said cat to me in the most touching way. And this is why I am enjoying life. I belong to the earth and run freely. Such a being cannot be tied down or restrained. I am sleeping tonight on the San Francisco Bay. I have not yet exercised on this trip, but since I have now blogged I intend to do my damndest to get up and run freely along the bay for a bit before my meetings.

Wasted time

If the phone rings
Tell him nothing
Or maybe one thing
That hell is coming

'Cause he wasted your time

- Awolnation - Drinking Lightning

Cool song. It spoke to me as I did 3.5 around the neighborhood today. A slow and gentle run with generous walk breaks because I'm tired and more so because I'm very paranoid about pushing too hard and irritating my bum. Sooooo excited for football today!!!  Best football day of the year!!!  Go Cards!  Go Broncos!!  How awesome would a Cards/Broncos super bowl be??? 

She's coming undone

Now it seems that the unraveling has started too soon
And now I'm sleeping in hallways and I'm drinking perfume
And I'm speaking to mirrors and I'm howling at moons
While the worse and the worse that it gets
- Dawes, When my time comes

I did the trail today, and without underwear issues either experienced or observed. It puts me at 16.5 for the week but I'm going to San Fran Monday for work so I will likely have a shortage. There was this cutest girl with a black dog that overtook me on the trail even though I had been running. She had this very fast walking stride. I passed her on the way down and then she passed me later and I tried to emulate her stride and admired her. Now I'm goi g to drink beer and watch my sister unravel.

London And France

"I'm going to run the trail" says he. "I'm not going, it will be icy!" says I!! "AND COLD" says I!!
"No, it'll be good" says he. So, I agreed to go.

It was miserable. And icy. And cold. But I've been on treadmills for a while now, so it was just too tempting. But I couldn't get into any kind of flow because rather than focus on my music, or the nature, I was focused on where I was putting my feet in an attempt to avoid falling. And I have reason to worry! Last year, I did this exact same damn thing, and mistook an icy patch for a simple wet patch, my feet flew up under me and I ended up with all 190 pounds of me landing right on my ass so hard that I actually rolled around on the ground for a minute or two, calculating in my head how long it would be before Chris decided something must be wrong and came looking for me (I was running "with" him that time too.... and he was way ahead of me, like he always is. Maybe the lesson is I shouldn't be running with him.)

ANYHOODLE, regular readers may recall that I have had misadventures on this trail before. Whether it is because that trail is prone to misadventures or because I am prone to run there often, I can't say, although I would suspect the former. The trail connects my neighborhood area with downtown Castle Rock (such as it is), so people use it for all kinds of purposes other than fitness, including actually getting from one place to another by foot or bike. (Incidentally, searching the term "underwear" on our blog turns up seven posts.... many of which [the ones written by me] are rather amusing, I highly recommend doing it.)

So, a miserable three was completed, the best to be said about it being that it is done. It's back to the treadmill for me tomorrow, alas.

A thousand proof
Don't change the truth
I got to but I can't
I can't drink you away
- Justin Timberlake

Words can't express how much I love the JT/Chris Stapleton rendition of this song from the CMAs. It always gets me going. Sadly today I forgot my inhaler before my run so it was a shitty two miles to the gym. I absolutely hate it when I do that. It just wastes my effort and good intentions. But anyway I walked into yoga 15 min early to a completely empty room except for a mat set up in the very back corner - my freaking spot. Bummer. So I went out to take off my shoes and relax for a few minutes and when I came back in this dude is getting a personal lesson from the teacher on doing a headstand. He was one of those total attention whores. So I spent the class hating him. Which is so contrary to the purpose of yoga - oneness and all that shit. Plus I was all paranoid that I stank because of my run and because I recycled these yoga pants. And I know I'm not the first person to ever fart in yoga but. Silent but violent indeed. Anyhow now I'm stinking in the couch of righteousness because I've already got my 12 miles for the week and I've planned a field trip for tomorrow afternoon to a mystery castle that I've wanted to go see. Peace. Love. Out.

You're All Still Here

Hey, you know I'll run away for a couple of years

Just to prove I've never been free

         - AWOL Nation

I LOVE this song, downloaded at the recommendation of my cooler than me sister. And that is my favorite line MY FAVORITE LINE!!

When I got dressed out at the gym today I realized I had neglected to pack appropriate running underwear. The ones I was wearing were not going to work, so I had to go commando, which got me thinking about underwear while working out. I mean, I'm willing to bet there are plenty of people who regularly eschew the undergarment whilst working out and really, why do I do it? It's just another piece of clothing to get sweaty. 

I therefore hereby commission a poll!! In the comments, YOUR THOUGHTS ON GYM UNDERPANTS. This is important work. 

Then, after I had started running on the treadmill, my wireless headphones were beeping, leading to headphone-low-battery-anxiety, which is the clinical term, so I had to go back to the damn locker room to grab my back up pair! To top all this off I was wearing these particular pants that have a tendency to fall down, exacerbating potential lack of underwear issues. 

Lesser mortals would have just thrown in the proverbial, and literal, towel and gone home BUT NOT THIS GIRL. 

Anyway, a semi-solid 3.5 in the books. 

Had it

I moved out from the sticks
Nobody believed in me
Had to climb my way up
Overcome all kinds of adversity

Oh, if you think I need approval from the faceless throng
That's where you're wrong

- Weezer, I've had it up to here

This might be my new favorite song. It was like the sun came out today. I've gotten up and showered and went to Starbucks to work the last two days and been very productive. After my run this afternoon I took Fat dog for a bike ride and marveled at how good I felt. I went grocery shopping and happily made dinner for J. It's funny when you're in a depression you can't really see it, but now that I'm feeling better I know I was really in the dumps. My gym has this upcoming hike to Havasupai in the Grand Canyon. They've done this several times and I've wanted to go but ebf wouldn't hear of it. I realized I have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want, and I should never take that for granted. It's a beautiful thing. I don't have to negotiate finances or activities or family time or friends. I do what I want and it feels good. So I'm signing up for that hike and am so excited for it!! I invited the kids too but I'm going either way. I don't need anyone to complete me or my life. I'm good.

Little deaths

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
be realized
If the thundercloud
passes rain
So let it rain
Let it rain
- U2

I just wrote this awesome heartfelt post that was then deleted by my awesome phone so the short version is I ran to yoga this song played I had some insight that I need to just focus on me and my health and wellbeing right now and get over feeling like there's this urgency to find mr wonderful because j is leaving soon and my life will this be empty and without purpose. So I deleted my tinder profile and made lots of plans to do things I enjoy like a trail race in the superstitions and volunteering at a horse show I've wanted to go to and an asu golf tournament plus I have some work trips and lax games coming up. So head is out of ass.

It's not hard to live like a ghost
I just haunt all that I've wanted
And leave what I don't
- Blind Pilot - Half Moon 

This is one of my favorite songs and t came on during yoga yesterday. A nice surprise. I didn't get off the couch in time to run before yoga, so just yoga yesterday. Heading out for trail run now. 

Joke

Put me on a pedestal and I'll only disappoint you
Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you
Give me all your money and I'll make some origami, honey
I think you're a joke but I don't find you very funny

- Courtney Barnett, Pedestrian at Best

This is an awesome song to run to, especially when angry. Not that I'm angry today, but it did make me giggle. I ran two miles. I took some walk breaks in the second mile. Today was intended to be a light day and now I have my 12.5 for the week. So anything Saturday will be bonus. My hip doesn't hurt so my yoga strategy is working. Or my new shoes.

Foolish Father

Forgive your foolish father
He did the best that he could do
You are his daughter
He'd do anything for you
- Weezer

Hee Hee!! Heard this song on my run and couldn't resist! Sometimes I like to speak directly to the fans. So today I did my 3.5 mile route outside and it felt good. You never know what to expect on a run and frankly I haven't run this whole route since mid-December. And that was the first time since my surgery in June when I realized that a) I was back to my previous fitness level and b) I could no longer use the kidney card as an excuse. So today went well. A little slow but well. And now I have 10.5 miles for the week!

Word

Every word you say
I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight
- Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

So today I did yoga and I will say it was a struggle. I ran two miles first and my muscles were probably still weak from yesterday. This song came on near the end and I was reminded of a boyfriend from a few years ago and how crazy I was about him. Looking back I can see that it wasn't a mature sort of love, but it was the first time I realized I could love again after my divorce. So it was a bittersweet time. I wonder the same now, if I even have the capacity for healthy love. Who knows. I always hoped to find someone before J was grown, but that ship has sailed. I so wanted him to have a strong male figure in his life. I hope I will look back on this time and be grateful I had this time to raise him on my own (for the most part anyway). The meditation today was on changing negative patterns, and I focused on doing so gracefully. I feel like I'm a very strong person but I struggle to act with grace sometimes. But I digress. Now I sit, body aching, watching the national championship. What an awesome game! I will most likely take tomorrow off to recover and I'm glad I've already got 7 miles this week!

I really can't stay

But baby it's cold outside
I have to go away
But baby it's cold outside
This evening has been so nice and warm
Look out that window at that storm!
- Cold Outside as sung by Zachary Braff and Donald Faison

Yes this version is on my iPhone and it just cracks me up. It was also my dialogue with myself last Thursday as I tried to force myself to go run. Needless to say I did not succeed. I went to a wrestling tournament in Apache Junction on Saturday dressed for a trail run in the superstitions thinking I'd be done by noon, but J did better than expected so we weren't done until 430. So I only got four miles last week! That motivated me to add an extra half mile into my trail run today by running the parking lot. So I got 5 today, a good start to the week. Now for the golden globes woot!!!

I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread

These are the tears...

The tears we shed

This is the fear

This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

                -Annie Lennox

In honor of my upcoming birthday, I give you this most depressing and depressingly relatable song.

I'll get my twelve miles in this week but barely, due to neck issues and plans getting cancelled Friday night, but I hadn't brought my gym bag to work with me, because I expected to be going out! Stupid weather. Anyway, so I only made it three times this week. 

Today at the gym there was a guy running on the treadmill with a backpack. And at least two men running with big hoodies on with the hoods up. They're going to sweat off the weight, see. 

I got a selfie stick for Christmas, so you can look forward to more of this sort of brilliance. 

This is all I ever was

And this is all you came across those years ago
Now you go too far
Don't tell me that I've changed because that's not the truth
- Mumford and Sons, Ditmas

I absolutely love this song. It's sort of a reality check when I'm feeling down on myself. Myself shouts back at me - hey! This is all I ever was! I went to the gym again last night and my girl tagged along with me. We ran two miles and then did yoga. It's such an awesome workout. I generally feel like I shouldn't do it more than once or twice a week but I'm feeling really strong today! The issue is that's only 4 miles this week and I need to get 12. So we shall see how this goes. And it is so nice having this fun relationship with my sweet girl as she gets older. And the clouds were beautiful yesterday. I wished I were among them in the mountains.

Maybe She's Just Looking For Someone To Dance With

See, it was just too soon to tell

And looking for some parallel

Can be an endless game 

            -Michael Penn

I just downloaded this album, and I tell you, there are very few albums that make me feel more 16 years old than that one. Because I was cool like that in high school. 

I haven't done any running or much else this week since I aggravated my chronic neck injury by reading all weekend on the couch with my neck in a bad position, which I knew and did it anyway. (I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, I haven't gotten to Virginia Woolf yet, I have all year). 

However!!! We did our first dance class where we learned the Foxtrot, which is a very boring dance, as far as I can tell. I can also say unequivocally that we are terrible at this. But we will go back again, we had fun, even if we were terrible. 

3 things I learned for sure

In yoga class today. 1. My body never wants extra push-ups. 2. I'm never on autopilot during yoga- I'm always struggling to figure out what the hell my body is supposed to be doing or collapsing under the strain of it. 3. There is a hole in this particular pair of yoga pants. Right in the cheek. So.

The challenge to this whole 1000k goal this year is that I can't just run for my exercise. I did 600 miles in 2014 and my hips were a mess at the end because I was born without ass muscles. So I have to definitely keep up yoga. Which will be a challenge. Tonight I ran two miles before yoga which seems like the perfect workout to me. But it's a good 2 hour time suck so difficult to do more than once or twice a week. And yes, the writing about it does keep me motivated because of the accountability factor. So bring it 2016!!! I'm down.

Well It's A Donkey At Any Rate

These are my 2016 things. I don't call them resolutions, resolutions are for schmucks. I agreed to start in with this cursed and boring blog again because it apparently motivates my sister, horrified my father and it sometimes amuses me. So. 

I do reserve the right to talk about all this shit, not just the boring running. Not that it's all not boring as hell, I'm just saying you might also get adventures in bread making and my deep and highly intellectual thoughts on Virginia Woolf.  Our first dance class is on Monday, we are doing the "Ballroom Sampler", so there's that to look forward to as well. 

I did run today, a good four miles, but it is January 2nd, so I first had to fight in a cage match to get a treadmill TO WHIT, I bring you my "Tips for Gym Newbies" also known as "stop pissing me off and go away until next year you stupid motherfuckers". 

1. Wear deodorant, for the love of God. The gym is not a deodorant free zone (AND QUIT LIFTING YOUR ARM YOU MOTHERFUCKER ON THE TREADMILL TO MY LEFT). 

2. Shut up. And by shut up I mean, SHUT THE FUCK UP. I don't care about your buddy system theory that will maybe get both your sorry asses to the gym more often this year, you pony-tailed pieces of shit on the treadmills to my right. This is not the place for your goddamn quilting bee, or a discussion of your latest detox plan. You distract others who are doing more than walking on the goddamn treadmill, and if I can hear you over the blasting of my obscene music, then you are talking too loud. SHUT UP. 

3.  Don't ask me how to use the equipment. That is what all these staff people who work here are for, except when they are too busy signing up more people like you, who we all put up with until you go away in a few weeks, knowing, as we do, that you subsidize our cheap memberships the rest of the year. Don't expect me to be nice to you for it, though. 

4. You might hear some feel good stuff around this time of year about how the regulars really aren't paying attention to you, and you should just feel confident and get to the gym, and don't worry that the regulars are being annoyed by your lack of deodorant and basic gym etiquette. This isn't true, and you shouldn't believe it for one second. You annoy the fuck out of everyone. 

5.  That being said, if you keep at it, next year you can be the one who is annoyed, rather than the one doing the annoying. Good luck. 

MOTHERFUCKER

I'LL BE BACK FROM THE DEAD SOON
I'll be watching from the center of the hollow moon
Oh my god I think I might've made a mistake
Waiting patiently was waiting taking up space.
- AWOLNATION, Hollow Moon

That's right motherfuckers, we're back!!! 1000k challenge here in 2016 and it's gonna be a bad bitch. Ima make a deal with the bad wolf so the bad wolf don't bite no more. I'm gonna blow up 2016 indiscriminately. Waiting patiently just takes up space. Ima take this bull by the horns. Yesterday I kicked off this bad bitch with a 4.5 mile trail run/walk, mostly walk given the nasty chest cold that's been plaguing me. But it's on. Like donkey kong.