Miracles

I spend my money on the regular miracles
Just like you, like me, like everybody else
- New Politics

Shall I end the year with a run in the rain before I go to the fiesta bowl? Clock is ticking but couch is warm. I've been thinking on the goal for 2016. This was a good year for running but I think it lacked balance. My body aches a lot these days and I think it's because I need more variety and strength training in my regimen. I've been doing physical therapy on my bum problem and most of the exercises they have me doing are found in some form in yoga. I guess there's a reason yogis have such fine asses. So I'm going to do yoga hopefully twice a week. Maybe the goal this year will be based on days of exercise in the week, which allows for more variety. Anyway, I did yoga yesterday and a 4.5 mile hike with k on Mon. And snowboarding on fri and sat. But the jury is still out on a run this morning.

I'm ripe with things to say, the words rot and fall away

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
- Blink 182

Trepidatious. That's the word that occurred to me during my run to describe my mood this Christmas Eve. I don't think it's a word. Happy, hopeful, solitary, a trifle lonely and with a feeling the walls may cave in if only a pebble shakes loose. The run was ok. Yesterday was my first run in over a week. The only week I've taken off all year. I had this black death in my lungs and am still coughing. Plus my dog almost died and I had to care for her. But all good now.

Blue (Tights) Christmas

"Fuck the past, motherfucker, she's the shit right now"

            -Eminem (with pronoun liberties)

So I found something in Cosmo that said wearing black shoes with navy tights is perfectly fine and people who think otherwise are just old and stuck in a bygone fashion era. This I promptly sent to my bitchy sisters, one of whom promptly upbraided me for getting upset about something she obviously didn't consider important. The implications of this particular sister having the unmitigated gall to tell ME that I am overreacting aside, I did question my own self... I mean really, who gives a shit? I've spent most of my adult life ignoring anything my family has to say on nearly every subject under the sun (and living quite well and successfully in spite, or perhaps because, of it) so why let this bother me?

The answer, of course, has nothing to do with them. It's just that for most of my adult life I was rather shut out of the particular world of women and style and fashion and such. For those of you not aware, big girls have fewer choices and the choices we have are more expensive. The sales that are regularly seen at places like Target and Old Navy frequently don't apply to their limited plus size lines. And many plus sized stores and fashion lines seem to believe that all big girls wish to dress as flamboyant drag queens or in burlap sacks. 

So for much of my adult life I was too financially strapped (and we have always been conservative with our money, my husband and I, one of the reasons we are still married) so clothing wasn't something I was willing to go into hock for. I also don't really ENJOY shopping per se, although much of that may have been due to the lack of choices I always found. So I was always wearing what fit, what I could afford, and what I could live with. This didn't leave any room for developing any sense of my own "style". 

So.... I lost some weight. And I got a tummy tuck. And suddenly whole vistas of discount stores, whole lines of clothing, opened up. I could literally shop wherever I wanted!! And find things that fit! And in my size! Outlet stores, department stores, Ross, TJ Maxx!! Victoria's Secret, The Gap, The Loft!!

All of which suddenly begged the question.... What exactly do I like? Do I like skirts? Turns out yes, but only shorter lengths mostly. What about dresses? Sometimes! Slacks, sweaters, t shirts, all these choices!!

So it turns out that after much trying, shopping and quite a bit of fun, I have developed and discovered my own sense of style. It is mostly conservative but with touches of some spunky flair that belong to only me. And wearing black loafers with blue tights? A perfect example of what I would do. 

But it's been hard won, and there should be no illusion about that. I spent a LOT of time trying to decide if I looked stupid. A lot of time building the confidence it takes to do the very little things that make my style my own. 

So when people dump on me, or tell me I'm not following some rule that I didn't know existed, what I'm hearing is "you look stupid". And it shakes that hard won confidence. And coming from people who are supposed to love you and who should by all rights know better.... Yeah. The things I get upset about.... So silly. 

600 baby

My cell phone screen is cracked
Vodka bottles in my bath
I kiss better when I'm drunk
Sex is best when you're not in love
- New Politics, Fall Into These Arms

I hit the big 600 on the nose today with a two mile neighborhood run. In a year where I've progressively gained weight, I've probably run more miles more consistently than any other year. I'm eating like shit though, so there's that. I've needed some comfort foods. But all in all its been a good year. I took my ass into my own hands this week and started a physical therapy regimen. I don't know why I waited so long, wasting time with quacks, when I knew this was what I really needed. So today I'm quite sore and did a very slow two miles around the hood. Tonight I am wearing the key to happiness and eating sliders at my neighborhood burger joint whilst watching the Cards. Because the one thing I know for sure is that happiness is only sometimes found alone on the couch. And sometimes it is found just getting off the couch.

Luminous

I'm just a notch in your bedpost
But you're just a line in a song
- Fallout Boy

I love that line. I did the Cave Creek Luminaria run tonight and it was fun if not a little disappointing. See the luminarias? I didn't either. And the whole first half was uphill, which was rather a bitch and I did give up and walk some of the steeper parts. But the way down was delicious. I ran 11:18 miles which is better than the turkey trot, and my last mile was 10:34! So feeling good about that. I stuck around for the awards after taking 7 protein bars. Women in my age group ran 25 min, so lots of room for improvement. Maybe I will focus on 5k and 10k runs. They are fun and short.

I'm trying here

Take back your pictures
Take back your letters
Don't send me no postcards
Telling me you miss me
Cause I'm trying here
I'm trying here
- The Head and the Heart, Gone

It's easier to be happy when there are things to look forward to, like visits from family, delicious foods, organized runs, high stakes football games. With all of that gone, this week started in a funk. So I spent my morning furiously plotting my social calendar. Two tinder dates this week, two lunches with former colleagues, a wrestling meet, a gym holiday party I will force myself to attend for at least 30 minutes, and a charity event Friday. I'm thinking about doing a night run on Sat and Tempe Festivus of the arts is this weekend. So all is good, see? And this evening at 8:30 after fast food and chocolate cake, I forced myself out for a run, which was slow but good indeed. I said to a friend today that I think Tinder is scraping the bottom of the barrel, to which he replied, "it IS the barrel." I had to laugh. It's as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I write this as I walk slowly around my block until I hit 10,000 blessed steps.