Ruins

Living in ruins of a palace within my dreams
And you know we're on each other's team

And everyone's competing for a love they won't receive
Cause what this palace wants is release
- Lorde, Team

It's been a tough week for running. I have a bitch of a cold, which is frustrating especially since this is my SECOND cold this year. Inexcusable, body! On Tuesday I did a fairly decent 3 miles, but yesterday only reeks out two. In fact, I seriously thought about turning around after a quarter mile and was having an internal debate as to whether I could still count it as an exercise day because I did, in fact, put on my shoes and go. But in the end I just pushed for two with lots of walk breaks. I'm taking today off although I am feeling a bit better. I already showered and fixed my hair. So. No need to go ruin that work before I go watch the basketball game.

And We Carried It All So Well

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just danced at our own wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

                                    - Modest Mouse

I went running this morning, in a desperate attempt to stave off the consequences of the inevitable Vegas debauchery. It was good, although it was 25 degrees. I thought it would be sunny, but the minute I got going the clouds moved in. And I should have worn a warmer hat. But I did see the first blue birds of Spring, so I was happy, despite being cold.

But today's run isn't what I wanted to write about. Yesterday I did the elliptical and spent some time thinking about a conversation I had with Rachael the night before. She is saying she wants to be a teacher. I have been unsupportive of this idea. I know she might change her mind, I try not to make a big deal, she is only a sophomore. But the idea of her being a teacher makes my heart ache. So, I was thinking about that while sweating away yesterday.

When we were growing up, if we were to express the idea of being a teacher my grandmother (a lifelong teacher) would throw an absolute fit. She expressed the same derision at my career choice of Social Worker. 

My sophomore year of college, I interviewed her for a paper I was writing for my Women's Studies class. I asked her why she became a teacher. Her exact words (they are burned into my brain) were "When I was growing up, women could be two things. You could either be a teacher or a nurse, so I picked teacher." 

And looking back, I get it now. She had six daughters and many more granddaughters (I confess to not actually knowing the exact number, I could figure it out, but it's kind of irrelevant... it's a LOT) and it must have just killed her to hear us talk about being TEACHERS! When so many doors had opened for us that were closed to her, to see us closing those doors ourselves, my god! We could be ANYTHING, she must have thought. The power and potential we have, wasted on being a teacher, a career she never sought but was one of her only options. It must have been truly inexplicable to her. 

As it is inexplicable to me now, that Rachael would choose such a thing. 

At any rate, for what it's worth Grandma, I get it now. And I'm sorry.

What I wanted

So I took what I wanted and put it out of my reach.
I wanted to pay for my successes with all my defeats.
And if Heaven was all that was promised to me
why don't I pray for death?
- Dawes, when my time comes

Well it's official, I have a spring cold. I got out this morning knowing it would be ugly but not wanting to waste a Sunday without a run. I took fat dog cause I knew it would be a slow one. Well, slower than normal. So I made it a mile before I turned back, for a total of 2 miles today. I intended to push for 3, but it just wasn't in me. I had the awful lung burn and sluggish legs. I'm off tomorrow cause I'm having dinner with my besties, so hopefully Tuesday will be a better day.

lessons

It's a lesson too late for the learnin'
made of sand, made of sand
In the wink of an eye my soul is turnin'
in your hands, in your hands

Well I should have loved you better
I didn't mean to be unkind
You know that was the last thing on my mind
- Stark Sands with Punch Brothers, Last Thing On My Mind

I think this song was originally done by Peter Paul and Mary but the version I'm in love with is from the Inside Llewin Davis soundtrack, and it spoke to my on my run this evening. I almost didn't go. I've been really tired. I slept poorly all week and the 3 hour time difference didn't help. I actually got home at about 2 yesterday and couched it all afternoon and evening despite my best intentions to run. Today I went to a Lax game and then I forced myself to get out this afternoon and run. I did 3.5 and it was tough, I had lung burn. I have a cold sore the size of a Georgia peach on my face, which worked well for my meetings in Atlanta this week. I really hope I'm not getting sick. But I'm happy to report that despite being out of town two weeks in a row, I got 4 runs in both weeks and 14 miles this week, so I'm still on goal. I hope my blista sista continues to find inspiration on the ellptical, which is a great workout, btw. Personally I would count those as exercise days but not count the miles towards the goal.

I'm a Very Busy People

We'll end up numb from playing video games
And we'll get sick of having sex
And we'll get fat from eating candy
As we drink ourselves to death

                        - The Limousines "Very Busy People"


I'm not doing well with the running. I only have about 122 miles for the year, which is behind the 600 mile pace. But I'm good with that. My body doesn't want to run. I've been struggling with lots of depression and the running isn't helping, and neither is being pressured to run a certain number of miles a week. What my body wants is to do these long (50-60 minute) sessions on the elliptical, so that's what I'm doing. I've done 11 miles on the elliptical this week and will probably do another five or six tomorrow. And since elliptical miles have never counted as running miles, what are you gonna do?

I'm sick of the winter, the winters here are killing me. And apparently when we moved here four years ago, I was agreeing to never move back to AZ forever and ever. I did not know I was agreeing to that, I found out last night.

At any rate, in good news, I won the blood pressure contest at the grocery store today with Chris. Mine was 102/73... his was only slightly higher, but the point is, it was higher than mine and I WON.

I'll be in Vegas next week, which I'm kind of concerned about, even though I've already planned to have the two days I am there as rest days so as to not have to worry about getting exercise in amongst the debauchery, which in Vegas I have to imagine will be our usual debauchery times ten. I'm really too old for debauchery times ten. 

Incidentally, I highly recommend the song above. It makes me laugh and laugh.

Atlanta Streets

There was just no way to know what was real and what was show
A future unfolding before my eyes, and a past that I could not let go
And how the feeling is so deep
when you're running down the Atlanta streets
Like there's nowhere left to go.

Then you'd call, I could feel your body fall down next to me,
And I wanted us to be fast asleep, closer than anything to me,
Like we were home again.
- Airborne Toxic Event, London

I don't know what it is about the Atlanta streets, but I seem to have such good runs here.  I'm happy that I got out after my meeting, when it was still light and somewhat cold.  I ran under a freeway keeping my head down because I know people are leaving work and I strive not to be recognized.  I had people say, "hey, I saw you running by the freeway!" - awkward as I think have to wonder, was I panting?  was I sweating?  was I walking?   Plodding along slowly?  How pathetic was your view, my friend, that you had to point it out to me?  My hotel is right next door to the big office, and there really are limited places to run.  But once I get under that freeway and down the road a bit, there's a nice winding hilly street that I turn down and go for about a mile.  So if I recall correctly, the route is 3.25 in total.  I may have an opportunity to do it again on Friday before I hit the airport, which would be nice and that would be 4 for the week and 13 miles with Sat left to go.  Not bad for a travel week following a vacation week.   

we will overcome

I stand here imperfect right before you
been searching so long for a way to get through
swallowed the universe abandoned in my youth
I still can't forsake what I know is true

I will always evolve and never give in
I will follow my dreams cause I know I will win
And I will not justify what I did
Through the pain sweat and tears, I have learned to forgive
I stand here naked, this is my truth
- New Politics, Overcome

This is a GREAT song, people. A great song. This 600 mile goal is fabulous, because otherwise I would never have gone to the mountain yesterday at 9:30 am, knowing I had to take a grumpy child away from her miserable life for a couple hours. And it was a beastly run. And I would never have gotten out at 10 on Sat knowing I had committed to do same with a different grumpy child, neither child my own. And yet I got out this morning before 9:30 in order to get my miles in before I hopped a flight to Hotlanta, which this week is Coldlanta. The goal drives consistency, which is one thing important in life I think. In general, anyway. Nothing wrong with spontaneity and no plans at all, which is what I tend to prefer for my downtime. And yes, I am NOT a morning person!! Anyway, I am blessed to have the opportunity to do this work with disadvantaged children. I want to provide kids an Aunt Nancy who perhaps don't have one. I wish I had told Aunt Nancy that before she died. But I guess my point is that consistency drives evolution. Perhaps more importantly in my circumstance, it provides routine and important activity that prohibits dwelling on sadness or the emptiness in my heart. It even fills my heart up, whether with love or worry for my own kids or others, it fills up. Which ultimately leads to evolution and growth. I can be true to myself, my heart, and my world, congruous with all and nature. My goal today is to accept the gifts and sorrows and joys that the universe has to offer.

Thoughtless

I see how they run through the tall grass
Such thoughtless minds, I wish I was thoughtless too
- Airborne Toxic Event, Timeless

I had a strong run tonight - 3.5 miles with nary a walk break. Well just a small one. Running in the altitude did me good. My lungs felt strong. These are scenes from my run tonight. Pretty and somewhat creepy, eh? I just got in my 12.5 this week, which is good because next week is gonna be a crapshoot with work travel.

Fat dog

I took fat dog for a run around the lake today and was able to confirm that my route is 3 miles, which is cool. I did take liberal walk breaks today due to old-woman soreness related to snowboarding yesterday. As if I need an excuse. My contractor came by today and when he saw fat dog he said "looks like you're eating well!" And honestly I have been thinking lately how slender she looks since I cut her food back to two nuggets per day. So I guess she's still fat to the uninitiated (and the initiated). But she sure did enjoy running her fat ass around the hood. It is so quiet here in this northern town, it is hard to feel anything but peace. Except for the noise of five boisterous teenagers. I made elk tacos tonight - when in Rome, right?

Cool

I'm one more here
Some old time pioneer
Who believes with a shaken faith
I still have some cool

I could leave you here with your people
If I'm the flag you'd not prefer to wave

You're always in my head
You're just what I wanted
- Jimmy Eat World, Invented

I'm sitting on my balcony enjoying the cool pines with fat dog at my feet. I had a pretty good run this morning. My lungs burn but the altitude doesn't seem to be impacting me as much as I thought it would. Or maybe I'm only running 1.5 miles and thinking its 3 miles. Eh. The boys and I built a table this morning and that was something, I'll tell you. Now listening to the kids and their friends laugh while playing gin rummy and betting match sticks at the table we built, I know I'm exactly where I need to be. Dreams do come true.

The road unwinds

I surprise myself sometimes
The way the days unfold and this road unwinds
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Storm

I almost didn't make it out today, what with the book reading and napping and chair building and pigs-in-a-blanket-making that went on. But I did get out around 4 to the gorgeousness of the bright blue sky and cool wind blowing. I felt alright despite the altitude. I think I went 3 miles - down to the lake, around the lake and then back. I walked back because my lovely daughter called me, which she seems to have a penchant for doing while I'm running lately, which is why it's bad to rely on my phone for music, but I digress. I miss her being up here and can't wait to see her tomorrow. I had a genuinely happy run. Happy to feel the wind on my face, the sun and blue sky, happy to see a squirrel bounding through the leaves, happy to see the ducks on the lake and the kids tossing them bread.

Take it easy

Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy
- The Eagles

Words of wisdom from my dad here - an oldie but a goodie (both the song and my dad).  I did in fact take it easy this morning. It was a somewhat exhausted run and I did stop in at the gym to, you know, take care of biz. It's good I have this expensive gym membership to serve as a pit stop on my run.  I am tired of my own thoughts. This morning I thought about the sad situation of loving someone that you are ultimately incompatible with. Compatible in a lot of fun and important ways, maybe, but incompatible in matters of the heart and soul. Sometimes it just is what it is, sadness and all.  Nobody to blame. 

The truth

So now you ask me for honesty
Just take a second, breathe
I'm not good enough for you
You were never good enough to me

And we'll meet again someday
And we'll toss the cursed ruins
Of the bride I'll never be
- Airborne Toxic Event, Bride & Groom

I hit it hard today, as I have a lot of mac and cheese and wine to burn off from my days of travel.  I ran on the mountain, my usual 4.5, and I ran hard.  It was an angry run.  I think its safe to say I've moved from denial to anger, which is good, I guess.  Good to know I'm slogging forward, with some hope of seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  With time and distance comes perspective.  While I ran, I thought about the pain of feeling abandoned after investing so much of myself, and that I was pushed so far away I had no choice but to go.  That I was too honest at times, and at times not honest enough.  That I allowed myself to take the blame for hurts that really weren't mine to own.  That I stayed in a situation where I wasn't liked or respected, where there was no longer a safe space for me.  That I allowed someone else to dictate the terms of my relationships.  Most of my anger is directed inward, because I feel I lost my center of gravity.  But I am trying to regain grace.  And running helps - good goddess does it help.  The kids and I are getting ready to embark on a wonderful adventure next week - a sampling of life in a small northern town.  I will run and run and burn my lungs in the cool weather and high altitude, and burn off all this anger.  And move another step forward on my journey to grace.

I quit

So I pointed my fingers, and shouted a few quotes I knew
As if something that's written should be taken as true
But every path I have taken and conclusion I drew
Would put truth back under the knife.
- Dawes, When My Time Comes

I got this song from a FB post from Life Is Good's music festivus, and its a good one. Let's put the truth under the knife, shall we? I quit on my treadmill today after only 2.5 miles. It was a ridiculously hard run, given that I haven't dedicated any time to it since last Thursday, and the treadmill was pushing me to go too fast. Damn thing was surrounded by other treadmills too, as if I wasn't the only thing making its wheels turn. The treadmill would have me believe that investing time and hard work is well worth the rewards in the long run. What a load of crap. I couldn't maintain my self-respect and stay on that treadmill. I'm surprised I stayed as long as I did before I quit.

I think I've thought myself to death

I was born without this fear
Now only this seems clear
I need to move, I need to fight
I need to lose myself tonight
                         
                         - "Come With Me Now", Kongos


I got my bare minimum 12 miles in for the week, I'm just under 100 for the year.

It seems like I had all sorts of things I thought about to say, but now I can't remember any of them. It is cold as shit where I am, so all my running this week has been on the treadmill. So, I'm going to go get a mani/pedi today and pretend it is Summer.