past

Here's the part where I get so mad,
I tell you I can't forget the past.
You get so quiet now, and you seem, somehow,
Like a lost and lonely child.
And you just hope that the moment won't last.
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Graveyard Near the House

In honor of my blista sista who was so traumatized by my music choices, I spent my mountain run listening to ATE's album All At Once.  There are some real gems on there, and a lot of great lines.  Interestingly enough, I put Graveyard on repeat on my way down and suddenly found myself crying.  And I'm not talking about a few gentle tears rolling down my tender cheeks, I'm talking sobbing snot flying crying.  So much so that I really couldn't run much on the way down, which was just as well since it was 85 freaking degrees.  It's a beautiful love song, I think, and very real.  I used to think I had love like that, but I didn't.  I would like to think that one day I will find it.  Someone to carry me up every hill, and stick around when I get old, carve my name in the sky when I die.  I want to love like that as well.  I think only lucky and very dedicated and emotionally healthy people find this kind of love.  I think my blista sista has it.  I am hopeful, but also accept that I may never find it.  I have a lot of love in my life right now, and that's enough.  I really struggle to stay in sadness - acknowledge it and allow it to be.  Negativity and bitterness I'm fine with, but I run away from sadness.  I keep myself busy and positive and ignore the sadness inside.  But if I've learned anything, I know that I must learn to coexist with grief.  Accept it, absorb it, let it be.  There's no way over or around it, you have to go through it in order to emerge on the other side blinking in the sunlight.  So I'm working on that today, letting myself cry.  The mountain absorbed my tears as she always does, and then sent me on my way with a gentle reminder:  its ok to be sad until I'm not sad any more.  And one day I won't be.