I don't remember, were we wild and young? All that's faded into memory...

The lights will draw you in
And the dark will bring you down
And the night will break your heart
Only if you’re lucky now


                         - Ryan Adams, "Lucky Now"

Haha.... we'll have a sad lyrics contest!! Just for my sister..... who I think may not understand that great love isn't measured in years, never has that been true.

Anyhoodle, so it is that time of year for me when I start to make my real goals, reflect on my real life and maybe make some good changes. My birthday is in February, and Spring is around the corner, and this time of year has always felt much more natural for me to be introspective and changes I make during this time tend to stick. (Incidentally, one of my great rants is about this... I think people would be far better off figuring out for themselves at what time of year they make the most successful changes, and I think it is almost NEVER New Year's.... it is the dead of fucking Winter, and human beings are simply not designed to make great changes at that time of year, our souls are way too busy feeling around in the dark.) 

My point being, I have found myself reflecting a great deal on a conversation I had with my sister at Christmas. We were talking about running while on vacation, and we seemed to be on such different wavelengths on this.... I could not point to a single week of the year where I had not run (with the exception of recovery from surgery). And I told her at the time that my great fear was that if I stop running I won't ever start again. And this was true.... for the most part. But what I started thinking about these past two or three weeks is that it really isn't true any more for me. And I found myself reflecting on the fact that I really just don't want to run the Colfax half marathon that I registered for. I have been trying to focus on speed, training, blah blah blah and it just isn't working for me. It is making me profoundly miserable, in fact, as evidenced by my getting sick, which is always my body trying to tell me to slow the fuck down already. 

Anyway, so I was talking to Chris about it (trying to gauge the level of upset that would be caused by wasting an $80 entrance fee), and I was telling him how I just don't feel like I need to run these long distances right now. At first, it was important. At first, it was all about pushing myself, doing things that I didn't think I could do. Proving to myself and whoever else that I could do whatever they could do, that I could do whatever I want.

But I'm just not feeling it anymore. The goal that feels right and natural for me this year is one of balance. I need to take a lesson from my sister, that it is okay to go easy sometimes. It's okay to have a vacation. Even from running. My body and my fitness will still be there when I get back, I need to work on having faith in that. It's okay to stop and slow down when you get sick. It's okay to not be training for anything in particular. It's okay to just run your four or five times a week and be good with that.

I don't have anything to prove anymore. Not to myself and not to anyone else. And it feels good. It feels good to have my Garmin sitting with a dead battery collecting dust, because I rarely use it these days. It feels good to just recognize that I need to rest when I'm sick, and spend the day sitting around and watching old movies and not feeling the slightest bit guilty about not hitting the gym. 

And it makes days like yesterday and today that much sweeter and more important.... the days when I WANT to run, when it feels good and I remember the reason I started it.... because the ease of just putting on my shoes and walking out the door... that was something I could do. 

And running a half marathon is just not compatible with these feelings and these goals. It doesn't feel like quitting or settling.... it just feels like listening to my own cues, and following my own lead. 

Which was always the real goal.