Hot hot desert

Bring me down, break me down, in the hot hot desert, this is where I want to be
Break me down, break me down, in the hot, hot desert, this is where I want to be
And I am, what I am, a natural disaster
- Group Love, Shark Attack

Heard this song on the long drive through the desert to Las Vegas today, and I liked it. I did get out for a run this morning and yesterday, but the near future of running is a bit dubious as I'm in Vegas for work and a lacrosse tournament this weekend and then Denver next week. Good thing I've banked some miles these first two months. I think I'm at about 120 for the year so far. I made an excellent discovery today - if you want to get to know your teenage kids, put them in a car with their friends for five hours and just listen to their conversation. Pure gold.

eyes open

Oh, her eyes are wide open right out of her head
Yeah, she's cleared of a crime that she did not commit
Well, I did what I did and I didn't mean anything
- The Wild Feathers, The Ceiling

Yes I got this song and even this quote from my blista sista, and it spoke to me this morning on my neighborhood route. Good song!  I had a pretty decent run - it was nice and cool outside with cloud cover, and I even got to wear a long sleeve shirt.

She never knew you, she only knew what she heard
So just once you'd pull her close and you'd whisper the words
That you hated yourself for the things that you gave her
That you stole with your mind, when your heart was impure
- TATE, The Secret

My mountain run started with a bang this afternoon and ended with a whimper. Oh well. It was a nice day to be outside. I made a game time decision to hit the mountain instead of the streets, and only realized when I started running that I was wearing my fancy street running shoes instead of my dusty mountain shoes, but I figured that's ok since these shoes are almost a year old now. I remember because I got them right after I got my cast off last year, after breaking my foot as a dumb drunk and stumbling fool in Miami, back when I was the worst person in the world. Anyhoo, I had to get home to take my awesome daughter to a merit scholars reception for NAU. She is an incredible girl - so much better than I ever was. It's exciting to see her blossom, and I love to take credit for her maturity and brains and sense of responsibility and humor. And blame her dad for her mistakes.

And I know it well....

I must've walked a thousand miles or more tryin' to keep you off my mind 
I've knocked on a thousand doors I'm sure, just to see what I might find
I slept in the arms of a fallen angel cryin' next to me 
And I knew her well

And you took me to hell and back
How many times can I walk away from you
My mind's like a one way track 
And every one is taking me back to you 
And you tell me just one more timeand you'll lie like you always do
and I needed just one more lie then there's nothing that I can do
and I need it just one more time then I swear that I'll be through
And I know it well

                               - Airborne Toxic Event, Hell and Back

WOOT! An ATE song that most definitely won't make you cry, but WILL make you run. 

I'm feeling every so much better, and I'm at 87 miles for the year, which is not bad! So, not nearly as far behind the curve as I would have thought after my weeks of struggling with the black plague of death. 

the tide

I don't get waves of missing you anymore
they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes
- Ed Sheeran, U.N.I.

I had the best run I've had in awhile this morning. The temp was finally cooler, around 70 degrees, and I was feeling strong. I was thinking about how in order to be able to accept love from others, you really have to love yourself first. And you can't ever love someone enough if they don't have a love for self. I was talking the other night with a friend about the "luck" involved in lasting love. I don't think its fair to say that people who lave lasting love are "lucky," because surely they invest a lot of time and commitment into making things work. I think the luck might come in choosing someone that you can grow and change with. The 25 year old me picked someone that wasn't compatible with the person I had grown into by 35. We're always growing and changing - if not, we're dying. My 25 year old self would not recognize or even like the person I've grown into today. When I got married, I had no idea of the skeletons that existed in my psyche. But after a lot of heartache, I dug them up and gave them a proper burial, and am an entirely different and healthier person today. So how do you choose someone for forever? I think you have to be flexible and respect yourself and the other person enough to allow for growth and change, and beyond that it really is a crapshoot. How do you know that the person you become will still like the person they become, and vice versa? Who knows. I don't know why I think about this stuff but lately it dominates my running mind.

Knives

Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human
- Christina Perri, Human

Took a little jaunt around my hood this morning. 3.5 miles.

And the run ...?

Forgot to mention I hit the gym tonight for 3 miles including nerd workout. It's getting hot out there, and it was nice to be in a social environment after months of solitary running.

A song you are guaranteed to love

To be bold, to be brave
It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved
And the darkness can come quick
The danger is in the anger and in the hanging on to it
- Alternate Routes, Nothing More

I heard this song on satellite radio when I was on the road last week and I was so taken by it that I jotted down the band - the Ultimate Roots, and the main line, "we are how we treat each other and nothing more." It took me awhile to find it though, when I got home, because the band is actually Alternate Routes. So I googled that line and came up with it. I read this evening that it was written in honor of the elementary school shooting at Sandy Hook. It is a gorgeous and positive song about being the best people we can be and letting go of pain. And it's good to dance to. I attended a talk given by Jason Schecterle last week, he's the Phx cop who was severely disfigured in a fire 10 years ago and he talked about his journey and his decision to live. It was incredible. My problems are so small. Hearts get broken every day. It's wonderful that the universe sends exactly what you need if you are open to her gifts.

Lost

I won't go back to what I was
I know now that you are lost
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Fifth Day

Here's a pic of a little friend that fat dog and I ran into on our run this evening. There were five coyotes just ambling through the hood. It was a decent run but I was already tired from moving furniture around. I tricked my boy into spending the day with me by allowing him to drive to Costco, wherein we made the rather spontaneous purchase of a sectional couch. Thankfully his dad was kind enough to help us get it home. It was damn heavy. I am currently working on a fresh butt imprint.

I don't remember, were we wild and young? All that's faded into memory...

The lights will draw you in
And the dark will bring you down
And the night will break your heart
Only if you’re lucky now


                         - Ryan Adams, "Lucky Now"

Haha.... we'll have a sad lyrics contest!! Just for my sister..... who I think may not understand that great love isn't measured in years, never has that been true.

Anyhoodle, so it is that time of year for me when I start to make my real goals, reflect on my real life and maybe make some good changes. My birthday is in February, and Spring is around the corner, and this time of year has always felt much more natural for me to be introspective and changes I make during this time tend to stick. (Incidentally, one of my great rants is about this... I think people would be far better off figuring out for themselves at what time of year they make the most successful changes, and I think it is almost NEVER New Year's.... it is the dead of fucking Winter, and human beings are simply not designed to make great changes at that time of year, our souls are way too busy feeling around in the dark.) 

My point being, I have found myself reflecting a great deal on a conversation I had with my sister at Christmas. We were talking about running while on vacation, and we seemed to be on such different wavelengths on this.... I could not point to a single week of the year where I had not run (with the exception of recovery from surgery). And I told her at the time that my great fear was that if I stop running I won't ever start again. And this was true.... for the most part. But what I started thinking about these past two or three weeks is that it really isn't true any more for me. And I found myself reflecting on the fact that I really just don't want to run the Colfax half marathon that I registered for. I have been trying to focus on speed, training, blah blah blah and it just isn't working for me. It is making me profoundly miserable, in fact, as evidenced by my getting sick, which is always my body trying to tell me to slow the fuck down already. 

Anyway, so I was talking to Chris about it (trying to gauge the level of upset that would be caused by wasting an $80 entrance fee), and I was telling him how I just don't feel like I need to run these long distances right now. At first, it was important. At first, it was all about pushing myself, doing things that I didn't think I could do. Proving to myself and whoever else that I could do whatever they could do, that I could do whatever I want.

But I'm just not feeling it anymore. The goal that feels right and natural for me this year is one of balance. I need to take a lesson from my sister, that it is okay to go easy sometimes. It's okay to have a vacation. Even from running. My body and my fitness will still be there when I get back, I need to work on having faith in that. It's okay to stop and slow down when you get sick. It's okay to not be training for anything in particular. It's okay to just run your four or five times a week and be good with that.

I don't have anything to prove anymore. Not to myself and not to anyone else. And it feels good. It feels good to have my Garmin sitting with a dead battery collecting dust, because I rarely use it these days. It feels good to just recognize that I need to rest when I'm sick, and spend the day sitting around and watching old movies and not feeling the slightest bit guilty about not hitting the gym. 

And it makes days like yesterday and today that much sweeter and more important.... the days when I WANT to run, when it feels good and I remember the reason I started it.... because the ease of just putting on my shoes and walking out the door... that was something I could do. 

And running a half marathon is just not compatible with these feelings and these goals. It doesn't feel like quitting or settling.... it just feels like listening to my own cues, and following my own lead. 

Which was always the real goal.

past

Here's the part where I get so mad,
I tell you I can't forget the past.
You get so quiet now, and you seem, somehow,
Like a lost and lonely child.
And you just hope that the moment won't last.
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Graveyard Near the House

In honor of my blista sista who was so traumatized by my music choices, I spent my mountain run listening to ATE's album All At Once.  There are some real gems on there, and a lot of great lines.  Interestingly enough, I put Graveyard on repeat on my way down and suddenly found myself crying.  And I'm not talking about a few gentle tears rolling down my tender cheeks, I'm talking sobbing snot flying crying.  So much so that I really couldn't run much on the way down, which was just as well since it was 85 freaking degrees.  It's a beautiful love song, I think, and very real.  I used to think I had love like that, but I didn't.  I would like to think that one day I will find it.  Someone to carry me up every hill, and stick around when I get old, carve my name in the sky when I die.  I want to love like that as well.  I think only lucky and very dedicated and emotionally healthy people find this kind of love.  I think my blista sista has it.  I am hopeful, but also accept that I may never find it.  I have a lot of love in my life right now, and that's enough.  I really struggle to stay in sadness - acknowledge it and allow it to be.  Negativity and bitterness I'm fine with, but I run away from sadness.  I keep myself busy and positive and ignore the sadness inside.  But if I've learned anything, I know that I must learn to coexist with grief.  Accept it, absorb it, let it be.  There's no way over or around it, you have to go through it in order to emerge on the other side blinking in the sunlight.  So I'm working on that today, letting myself cry.  The mountain absorbed my tears as she always does, and then sent me on my way with a gentle reminder:  its ok to be sad until I'm not sad any more.  And one day I won't be.  

I don't know how I got this far down

Her eyes are wide open right out of her head. Cause she's cleared of a

crime that she could not commit

Well I did what I did

And I’d do it all over again

                          - The Wild Feathers

Well... here we are. February is more than  half over. I have a grand and impressive total of 12 miles for the month. This cold is like the fucking black death, it will not go away. I did not help the situation by engaging in nights of debauchery with co-workers along with an entire week of shitty eating, but for god's sweet sake, I do not deserve this!

Also, a word of advice to anyone who might actually be reading the blog at this point.... do NOT listen to any song recommended by Sandy by the The Airborne Toxic Event (I see now she has recommended two of them) unless you want to find yourself on a plane to Albuquerque weeping uncontrollably until the nice middle eastern man sitting next to you finally dings for the flight attendant to bring you some tissues already. If you're feeling masochistic, the song is "The Graveyard Near The House"... go ahead, go download it. I dare you. 

You used to laugh under the covers

Maybe not so often now

But the way I used to laugh with you

Was loud and hard

 - DMB, Stay or Leave 

This is one of my favorite songs of all time (the acoustic version). It was a nice surprise on my run this morning. I can't remember the last time I had a good run. My diet has kinda gone to hell lately so I decided to start eating better and see if that helps. Starting with McDonald's tonight. I went and got my kiddos valentines tonight - I so love doing that. It breaks my heart that K won't be home on Valentines day anymore. 

Do you remember we were sittin there by the water
- T Swizzle, Mine

This is a bit of a girly song that came on as I was jogging around my hood this afternoon and I had a vision of a cell phone bouncing once...twice...and into the water. And I had to smile.

Story of my life

The story of my life, I give her hope
I spend her love until she's broke inside
- 1D, Story of my Life

I was bopping along to this little ditty on the radio on my drive home this evening and I really liked it so when I got home I went to download it. And I was horrified to discover that it's by One Direction. You know, the British boy band, Harry Styles, et al? Screaming 15-year olds weep to this song. Apparently so do I. I couldn't even bring myself to write out the whole band name above, so great is my shame. But I bought it anyway, dammit, and I listened to it on repeat during a very trudging sloth-like run. I don't know why it was so difficult. Maybe cause I worked all day like normal people.

Gas

And the words you said tore through my head like bullets from a gun
- Airborne Toxic Event, Gasoline

I did a fairly decent 3 this evening given I ate an entire pizza at 4. I had entered a space where I was convinced I wasn't go it to go at all, but the pizza put me over the edge of greasy laziness and I couldn't tolerate myself any longer. I spent the afternoon assembling dining room chairs with my boy and helping him break in his fancy new tools, and it was definitely too hot to go then. Glad I got out.

Smile

There's a million little reasons
For this smile on my face
- Jennifer Nettles, Me Without You

I am writing this from the top of Windgate Pass at 3200 feet on an absolutely gorgeous Scottsdale afternoon. The last half mile of this one is a killer but thankfully there are no flies on the mountain this day.

I am an architect
Of days that haven't happened yet
- John Mayer, Face to Call Home

Constructing days filled with hope. 3.5 miles today.

Inspiration or plaigerization?

I wasn't inspired to write after my mountain run this morning. I was in a gloomy mood, although less so when I got down. There was a wind this morning and the air was so clear looking across the valley, and the requisite blimps and flying banners from the Open were dancing in the breeze. But I digress. What inspired me was the U2 commercial during the super bowl with their new song Invisible - I liked the lyrics and it was a free download on iTunes. So I downloaded it and then googled the lyrics and was immediately offended that they seemed to have stolen a line from BTE's Misunderstood - "I don't ever want to play the part of a statistic on a government chart" vs BTE's "Who would ever want to play the part of anonymous numbers on a governmental chart." And as I looked at the lyrics I couldn't find the parts that I had liked, and then more I realized U2 had also pilfered from the Police's Invisible Sun - "There has to be an invisible sun. It gives it's heat to everyone." And then I realized I was looking at lyrics to a U2 cover of Invisible Sun. Which means BTE stole from the Police? Or did U2 do it first?

I guess this is ultimately a commentary on how boring this game is, although I've been more entertained by the commercials than I have in years. Freakin Broncos haven't showed up up yet.

I'm more than you know
I'm more than you see here
I'm more than you let me be
- U2, Invisible