Fear

Today I did in fact face my laziness and get up for a sweaty run before work. It was 87 degrees when I set out and 89 by the time I got home. I listened to This American Life about a guy who made a list of all his fears. So as I ran I thought about my fears, and as I took walk breaks I wrote them down. And here they are in the order they came to me.

Rejection
Vulnerability
Gaining weight
Scorpions
Violent dogs
That I will grow old alone
That I will never find love
A home intruder at night
Rape
That my kids will come to harm
That they will make bad choices
That they will be emotionally hurt by thoughtless lovers
That J will fall to addiction
That his gf will get pregnant
That I will lose my parents
That my sister will die and/or kill someone
That my brother will die
Falling
Failure

Done

So this morning for the first time in six Mondays I failed to get up and run before work. It was after 9 when I got home from an exhausting weekend of drinking and napping and even though I was asleep by 10:30 I was just so tired this morning. So I went to the gym after work and ran a mile and then did yoga. So I did earn the couch of righteousness from which I am watching g the Bachelorette and wishing someone would bring me ice cream.

Bloggity

This was not a bad week. It was all on the elliptical, however. I just am not running right now, my body doesn't like it. I've been trying to walk quite a bit, but my workouts have been at the gym on the elliptical. I've also started incorporating my abs work again and I plan to also start lifting, but just upper body at first. I like the gym, and this Spring's allergy season has been kicking my ass so severely that it makes it hard to exercise outside, plus as annoying as it will sound to my AZ peeps, it has been hot as a motherfucker here, so if I want to go outside I have to do it really early which, along with my fab sister, just isn't my strong suit. I get up early, but the last thing I care to do is get going right away running. 

Anyway, I'll try to get to the blog more often too. I'm just full of failures! I've also gained some weight that I'm none too pleased with! 

Down by the lake

This much I can say
I would've waited til the oceans fell away and all the sunken cities would reveal themselves to you
But you won't, will you?
Because you never do
- The Decemberists, Lake Song

Such a beautiful song, and funny. They curse the neighbors ill-intended children from the lawn. And big words like sybiline and prevaricate. I went for a run by the lake this morning a run/walk shall I say. It was kinda warm, but not close to what it is at home this weekend. So four runs this week. I only got up before work twice. I fully intended to try 5:30 am yoga but I realized it is not within my skillset.

We are all born goddesses

So it hasn't been a great couple weeks for exercise. Last week I went to Texas for 4 days and while I got a run in before the airport Monday, I didn't get up before work any other day. The two hour time difference is rough in the morning. I did get out for a brisk four mile walk after margaritas on Weds so yeah I'm counting that. I made no more attempt until today when I intended to do a quick run before yoga. But I forgot that the class starts at 2:45 instead of 3 so I was 15 minutes late and the door was locked. So I decided to wait for the 4pm class which is "restorative" and do 3 miles. I struggled through 2 on treadmill and one on track. The restorative class was really just stretching so I was able to spend a lot of time meditating and repeating my mantra - I honor the divinity that lives in me". It was refreshing and I realized this kind of yoga can also be good. I wish there was a middle ground at my gym. So since running is still so godawful I decided I will try yoga in the mornings instead but the only class is at 530 am. So we shall see how that goes. I know all of this is incredibly interesting but there you go.

High

The world is a curse, it'll kill if you let it
I know they got pills that can help you forget it
- K.flay

Good song here. Did three this morning.

Day 4

This is Day 4 of my new job and the fourth morning run I've done this week. Only 2.5 today and yesterday because I have to be back by 7 and try to leave by 730 to get to work by 8 for a daily 8am leadership call which will for sure be and already is the bane of my existence. I can do the call from the car which in reality is what I've been doing. But I'm pretty happy with my commitment level. So many positive things line up when I run in the morning. I eat better all day, I'm energized and alert when I get to work and I can spend my evenings relaxing.

I set out running but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight
I just might make it to work on time
- Mumford remake

I was late to my first day of work yesterday so I cut my run short this morning - 3 miles. Also I had to poop.

Desert blooms

I'm not sure if the desert gets more beautiful every year or if I'm just better at noticing. But look at this amazing tree/plant thingy! Right there on my run. It's so pretty here with all the blooming colors. I'm off work entirely this week as I decompress and recompress my brain into a good space. I start my new job in Monday! So I've been good about running every morning and did a 5.5 mile hike up to Toms Thumb on Sunday. Ive been spending mornings drinking iced tea at AJs and studying up on healthcare policy and also reading books and otherwise goofing off.

Victory

Today was truly a victory. I was up several times during the night because my neighbors car alarm kept going off and I kept thinking it was mine and that someone was trying to break in. Not a good night. Nevertheless, I persisted. Several times I decided to blow off the run and go back to sleep but when it mattered I actually got out of bed. I hit the road a full 30 minutes late but that doesn't really matter since I don't really have to be anywhere. So chalk one up for self discipline people!!! Also I'm listening to The Handmaids Tale which is all the buzz lately and it's quite creepy.