Beneath the surface

Just beneath the surface there's another one of me
At the root of all my troubles, in the twitch before I speak
With thoughts and revelations even I could not accept
So just beneath the surface is where he will stay kept
- Dawes

Just beneath the surface is a giant pain in my ass. My left butt cheek to be specific. I ran the mountain today, if it can be called running, my ass hurt almost the whole way. It's this piriformus thing, this weak muscle in my butt that gets all cranky and irritates my sciatic nerve. And so now I am laying down watching the asu game just aching. I will have to go back to that chiropractor tomorrow although I'm sure physical therapy would be better. On the plus side, I got in 18 miles this week.

And you thought running in the treadmill was boring....

Try walking on it because it's too effing cold to walk outside for any length of time but you have to get your steps in to please your new bitchy boss, the Fitbit. 

Fucking useless freak

I feel like every time I wake up in the morning
I'm just another fucking useless freak
And every time I take a look in the mirror
It's like I just wanna go back to sleep
- New Politics, Goodbye Copenhagen

Got my freak ass up and did 3.5 this morning. It was ghastly.

I'm feeling hopeless

I stand here imperfect right before you
Been searching so long for a way to get through
Swallowed the universe, abandoned my youth
I still can't forsake what I feel is true
I was made out of dust by a voice in the wind
To conquer my fears and rise like a king
I will always evolve and never give in
I will follow my dreams cause I know I will win
- New Politics, Overcome

It's official. I'm depressed. I may have said this before. I cried today whilst talking to my blista sista. I don't know why I'm surprised by this but I am. It's a transition. Ks presence was a tornado in the house, and while I've enjoyed the new calm to an extent, I find that I am living in a vacuum. A giant hole. And honestly I'm afraid of living alone for the rest of my life. I've wasted so much time with the wrong people. And where are the right ones? Every time I think I've learned, there are more lessons in front of me. I'm trying to embrace the lessons life has to offer. But I'm still lonely. I got out and did my 3.5 today, so running has been going well. Except that I didn't suck on my inhaler before I went so I was gasping for air and walked a lot. My lungs sounded like the wind whistling outside the window during a winter storm. But anyway. This is where I am today. It's an ok place. It's where I need to be for now I guess.

Bring It, Bitch

Also

Remember when you were only a child

So watch your time
Time descends
Let it spill quietly
From your hands
Oh, and the time is at hand
When all things under the sky
Go free of time
Time is passing you by
- Alexi Murdoch, Blue Mind

Last night I had the most vivid dream of my high school boyfriend. And he was such a jerk and so disrespectful but I knew that love and passion and comfort were there so I overlooked a lot of things. But the rational part of my mind knew that no matter how much love is there, it just wasn't working and would never work and I needed to just walk away. And that's what I did in my dream and I actually felt a sense of relief. I don't know where this dream came from but it was so very vivid. And on my run this morning this song came on and I thought about when I was a child and how I didn't feel very loved growing up (that's not a slight against anyone, it was just very chaotic in my house and mostly I was invisible). And maybe that's why I'm constantly in search of love. I thought about the times when I felt most loved, and those were the times my dad came to my softball or basketball games. He was usually the only person there from my family, and on the drive home he would analyze my game and tell me what I needed to work on, and tell me what I did well. He was paying attention and trying to help me get better. Growing up with softball, he was often the coach. I also remember a time when I was in 6th or 7th grade, my mom gave me a spontaneous kiss on the cheek. I was taken aback and asked her why she did that, and she said because I love you. Well, I spent that whole afternoon and evening trying to work up the nerve to kiss her back. But I never did. I don't know why my mind took me those places today. It was just doing its work I suppose.

Fitbit!!!!

I got a Fitbit. Because despite every damn thing I do right, apparently my blood sugar is still too high and my doctors insist I have "prediabetes" whatever the fuck all that is. So my goals are to be more active even on the days I don't run. And to cut down on the sugar, which is extremely hard for me. I also need to probably reduce my stress. The dietician I spoke to (after yelling at a nurse or two because they didn't seem to have anything better to tell me than lose weight and exercise) was very suspicious of the role stress was playing. I'm not sure how to do this. I hate yoga like poison. I hate therapists even more. Maybe the walking will help. 

Anyway, my point is now I'm Fitbit pals with sandy. This may be a good thing or a bad thing. Fitbit ranks your friends. So now we are constantly trying to beat each other in seven day step averages (which, let's face it, really comes down to how much we are running). I went running yesterday even though it was cold and even though I hadn't planned to, just to make sure I was beating that bitch. 

Here's how it looks right now. As you can see, I'm kicking ass. And now my husband Chris has joined the party. 

Lost in my mind

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
- The Head and the Heart

I loved what my blista sista said about letting your body do its work while your mind does the same. It's so true and those are the best runs. There's a soothing in the repetitive motion, one foot in front of the other. The body builds strength, the mind heals. Today was my first day back on the mountain and while it was slow going, it was a beautiful run. They rerouted the trail in several places, maybe due to all the rain we had this year. I wasn't a fan as it was some of the more difficult parts that they smoothed out and made easier. I like having to work harder to earn my way to the top, but oh well. The body worked, the mind worked, and I'm in an ok place.

There are stars up above
We can start moving forward

I Feel The Love

"I had a dream so big and loud"

                             -American Authors

"I don't like time 

Time is making me old

But I'm doing alright

Cause I will still be young tomorrow"

                             -The Mowgli's 

A few weeks ago I went running on the trail. It was an Autumn day of the most perfect variety. Everything was good. My breathing settled in, my mind wandered... You know, that kind of run. 

And I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker a few months back. He was asking me what it was about running that made people so addicted to it. And I said because when it's good, it's really good. When you are doing it right, you let your body do its work and your mind is free to unravel problems you didn't think you could resolve or didn't even know you had. And he said I can't ever let my body just do its work, I'm too focused on how miserable I am for my mind to be free to focus on anything else. And I said that means you are going too fast. You need to slow down. 

And as I was remembering this conversation, I slowed down. I noticed the sky, the bunnies, the leaves that were all golden bursts of color on the trees. And heard that clear sweet voice in my head that just said "keep running."  

And I thought about the year I've had. Not an easy one. I turned 40 and I didn't take it particularly well. I spent time thinking a lot about things I missed, things I should have done, things I should have maybe delayed longer than I did. Lots of looking back, and lots of feeling angry and regretful. 

And I was reflecting on all this as I was running and all I kept hearing was "just keep running." 

It was a good run. And as I was on my way back, I was perhaps a quarter mile away from finishing, I came upon this, lying on the ground, face up:

Well, I found the one there on the left, the seven of spades. Now, if you don't know, I read tarot cards. Mostly for fun. And the seven of spades in the tarot deck is the seven of swords, that card there on the right. 

And I realized that I had seen several other cards face down a few yards back, but hadn't recognized them for what they were. I went back and picked them up. As I kept on, finishing my run, I found ten cards. Ten is a significant number in the tarot, it being the exact number of cards in the most common spread, the Celtic cross.  

So I went home and laid it all out and I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say this: the final card, often called the "outcome" was

That is the knight (jack) of cups (hearts). 

Autumn is a time of great power. Summer's green beauty is fading, but even as the leaves turn and fall and the earth prepares for the small death of Winter, this is also the time of great harvests. 

There are lessons to be learned, things worth fighting for and great adventures to be had. And in the powerful and magical season of Autumn, every single thing that has happened in the past, every decision made, every road traveled and not traveled, has happened for a reason and can now be harvested in the form of wisdom gained, strength tested and confidence in your own victory. So you enter Autumn stronger, ready for those next great adventures.  

The Autumn of my life is beginning, and good things are waiting. All I have to do is keep running towards them.