Broad shouldered beasts

But wasn't it you who said I was not free

And wasn't it you who said I needed peace

And now it's you who's floored by fear of it all

 - Mumford & Sons 

So yeah, I had an anxious day. It turns out I have more work to do. Esteem damaged by past relationships and poor choices and tolerating/justifying shit I should never have put up with. Again.  Grateful for an insightful friend to talk it through with. I think I've been denying the impact, and it is manifesting in anxiety triggered by seemingly nothing, or something ridiculous. So today I had a good cry and chose a new path. I went on the Pinnacle trail and lord goddess was it beautiful. I took it slow to take it all in, both the destructive beauty of the desert mountain and the desert in my heart. It was a good slow burn for 4.5 miles. I realized I will never get to a place where I'm "healed" from this malady of personal self-doubt and susceptibility to manipulation as a result, but I will get better.  Just knowing and being aware of it will help my judgment. And for now my focus is on me becoming as healthy and whole as I am able. Also, I didn't go yesterday, so 49.5 for February. I'm confident I can pick up the extra 1.5 along the way.