The Whirlpool Honeymoon is Over

I ran and swam today. There were rotten kids in the whirlpool, which irritated me. And churchy people, which irritated me even more. 

I've been accused of having somewhat of a potty mouth in this blog, by our audience of one. Which only makes me more determined to utilize the noble curses even more. Along with that spurious accusation, I was accused of what apparently is the fashion "don't" of the century in wearing black loafers with navy blue tights. In addition, I was asked when I became "such a drinker", endured snide remarks about how often I kiss my husband, was told "you have to admit you keep up on world events more than the rest of us" which I still can't figure out, since this was said as if it was something I should really work on. 

For all this joy and privilege, I spent around $700. 

Gotta love family. 

Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to stay with this rec center... I need to find a decent gym!!

My goddam piriformass hurts

Bite your lips, your words are robbery
Do you grin inside? You're killing me
All along we talked of forever
I kinda think that we won't get better
- Blink 182

Someone recently advised me that it's inappropriate to tell the internets that my ass hurts. So in the interests of the professionalism that this blog reflects, and out of respect for the worldwide audience, I will heretofore refer to my piriformass muscle, which is indeed the core of the issue. But it hurts today. I did 4.5 yesterday - 2 to gym, 1 with strength training, and 1.5 home. Dang good day! I ran 19 miles last week including a 5k Turkey Trot with my babies and sista. Most excellent for Thanksgiving week. Alas, I did just two today to the gym and I'm tired, so I just worked out the piriformass and am watching the Cards game. So grateful my blista sista was in town and all the good time and food spent with family. Nobody even broke down in tears although sadly I did have to burn my effigy.

My ass hurts

If we die in obscurity, oh well
At least we raised some hell
- Weezer, Back to the Shack

I ran to the gym today after dropping my car off a half mile from the house so the boy had a ride home from work. I am only a little ashamed to admit I spoil him like that. So 2 miles to the gym, then I watched the second half of the Cards game and scammed some guest passes for my peeps next week, then two miles home. I'm back at last. Only got two days in last week due to Colorado travel and happy hours and an odd fainting episode late Friday night. I did a very slow two miles last night because my tailbone hurts so bad from the fall. And I wasn't even drunk! I'm not sure whether to blame mom or dad for the weak asses we all seem to have inherited. I took Sophie to an art fair this morning and it was lovely. It's amazing how many people want to talk to me with that little one at my side. But then she pooped on the grass and I didn't have anything to clean it up with so we had to run. Literally.

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

The man said "why you think you here?"

I said "I have no idea."

                      - Amy Winehouse

I can't remember if I blogged about it, but I ditched my boring gym that had nothing but treadmills and ellipticals but had the advantage of being cheap, and bought a membership to our local rec center, which boasts all kinds of things I might enjoy, like an indoor track, lots of classes, a lap pool and a whirlpool. So I've gone there a few times now and am very much enjoying myself. 

Today I ran three treadmill miles, next to some dumb lady in a running skirt and coordinated layering tops, which she progressively shed while walking. She ran a little but she mostly fidgeted, pulled, tugged, and otherwise adjusted her outfit. She had clearly put much more thought into the outfit than she had into the workout, as people who wear running skirts are prone to do. Meanwhile I was next to her in some capris I have literally worn for four years running and an old camisole that used to be white and I hadn't even brushed my teeth. But I will say this: I was still on that treadmill after she got off and I started before her. Some of us go to the gym to work out, see?

Then I wet to the pool and swam ten laps, and by laps I mean slowly propelling myself through the water in any way I see fit,  which nevertheless managed to take me 22 minutes and nearly killed me. 

Then I hit the whirlpool. I was initially very skeptical about it because it is right in there with the leisure pool where all the kids are, so I figured it would be full of annoying children with parents who aren't paying attention. But I was pleasantly surprised to discover that kids under six aren't allowed at all and kids between six and twelve have to have an adult actually IN the water with them. And they must enforce the rules, because there were plenty of kids and parents but only me and two old men in the whirlpool. So it's nice, I can soak in some hot water while being reasonably certain nobody is peeing in it (although let's face it... You can never fully trust old men not to pee in the whirlpool). 

And now I am rewarding myself with a chipotle burrito whilst watching some football, and napping on the couch of righteousness. 

The No Skip Music Challenge

Ran four miles today and put my phone on shuffle all. Highlights included:

Blue Christmas - Elvis

The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel

All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor

Cannonball - Brandi Carlile

From the start of it all to the end of the line

So, I wrote one more story
I just don’t know how it ends
About all the boys you’re seeing
The ones that you
That you call your friends.

                      -Night Terrors of 1927

I ran three miles, walked another mile, and then swam ten laps only to find out my stupid Fitbit battery was dead and none of it counted!!! I mean sure, you could say I still was active so what does it matter, but you would then just be revealing yourself as an ignoramus! None of it matters unless I'm beating sandy! 

From the mouths of babes

The man who stands in front of you
Is not the sum of all his dreams
But I'm hoping they've got something in common
- Dawes, something in common

Well thank great goddess K came home this weekend to deliver the slap in the face I needed. We were out to dinner and they were quizzing me about my mood, and I shared my fears of being alone. K told me I was acting like she did after her cheer accident, and we talked about how at one point I told her she needed to get her shit together and find another path. She told me I need to do the same and get my ass out of the house. She was right. It is so hard for me to put myself out there. So today I ran to the gym and watched some football and then we got massages. Tonight I walked over to the local pub and had some dinner and watched football and had a very nice dinner conversation. I've put some local events on my calendar that I want to go to and I will go. I'm going to live my life and do the things I want to do and find my joy.

I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful

Toying somewhere between love and abuse

Calling to join them the wretched and joyful

Shaking the wings of their terrible youths

Freshly disowned in some frozen devotion

No more alone or myself could I be

Looks like a strain to the arms it were open

No shortage of sordid, no protest from me

                              - Hozier

I don't actually have anything to say, I just really wanted to quote that song, what with thanksgiving coming up and whatnot. 

I ran three miles and then walked until the dumb Fitbit said I had done enough. 

Beneath the surface

Just beneath the surface there's another one of me
At the root of all my troubles, in the twitch before I speak
With thoughts and revelations even I could not accept
So just beneath the surface is where he will stay kept
- Dawes

Just beneath the surface is a giant pain in my ass. My left butt cheek to be specific. I ran the mountain today, if it can be called running, my ass hurt almost the whole way. It's this piriformus thing, this weak muscle in my butt that gets all cranky and irritates my sciatic nerve. And so now I am laying down watching the asu game just aching. I will have to go back to that chiropractor tomorrow although I'm sure physical therapy would be better. On the plus side, I got in 18 miles this week.

And you thought running in the treadmill was boring....

Try walking on it because it's too effing cold to walk outside for any length of time but you have to get your steps in to please your new bitchy boss, the Fitbit. 

Fucking useless freak

I feel like every time I wake up in the morning
I'm just another fucking useless freak
And every time I take a look in the mirror
It's like I just wanna go back to sleep
- New Politics, Goodbye Copenhagen

Got my freak ass up and did 3.5 this morning. It was ghastly.

I'm feeling hopeless

I stand here imperfect right before you
Been searching so long for a way to get through
Swallowed the universe, abandoned my youth
I still can't forsake what I feel is true
I was made out of dust by a voice in the wind
To conquer my fears and rise like a king
I will always evolve and never give in
I will follow my dreams cause I know I will win
- New Politics, Overcome

It's official. I'm depressed. I may have said this before. I cried today whilst talking to my blista sista. I don't know why I'm surprised by this but I am. It's a transition. Ks presence was a tornado in the house, and while I've enjoyed the new calm to an extent, I find that I am living in a vacuum. A giant hole. And honestly I'm afraid of living alone for the rest of my life. I've wasted so much time with the wrong people. And where are the right ones? Every time I think I've learned, there are more lessons in front of me. I'm trying to embrace the lessons life has to offer. But I'm still lonely. I got out and did my 3.5 today, so running has been going well. Except that I didn't suck on my inhaler before I went so I was gasping for air and walked a lot. My lungs sounded like the wind whistling outside the window during a winter storm. But anyway. This is where I am today. It's an ok place. It's where I need to be for now I guess.

Bring It, Bitch

Also

Remember when you were only a child

So watch your time
Time descends
Let it spill quietly
From your hands
Oh, and the time is at hand
When all things under the sky
Go free of time
Time is passing you by
- Alexi Murdoch, Blue Mind

Last night I had the most vivid dream of my high school boyfriend. And he was such a jerk and so disrespectful but I knew that love and passion and comfort were there so I overlooked a lot of things. But the rational part of my mind knew that no matter how much love is there, it just wasn't working and would never work and I needed to just walk away. And that's what I did in my dream and I actually felt a sense of relief. I don't know where this dream came from but it was so very vivid. And on my run this morning this song came on and I thought about when I was a child and how I didn't feel very loved growing up (that's not a slight against anyone, it was just very chaotic in my house and mostly I was invisible). And maybe that's why I'm constantly in search of love. I thought about the times when I felt most loved, and those were the times my dad came to my softball or basketball games. He was usually the only person there from my family, and on the drive home he would analyze my game and tell me what I needed to work on, and tell me what I did well. He was paying attention and trying to help me get better. Growing up with softball, he was often the coach. I also remember a time when I was in 6th or 7th grade, my mom gave me a spontaneous kiss on the cheek. I was taken aback and asked her why she did that, and she said because I love you. Well, I spent that whole afternoon and evening trying to work up the nerve to kiss her back. But I never did. I don't know why my mind took me those places today. It was just doing its work I suppose.

Fitbit!!!!

I got a Fitbit. Because despite every damn thing I do right, apparently my blood sugar is still too high and my doctors insist I have "prediabetes" whatever the fuck all that is. So my goals are to be more active even on the days I don't run. And to cut down on the sugar, which is extremely hard for me. I also need to probably reduce my stress. The dietician I spoke to (after yelling at a nurse or two because they didn't seem to have anything better to tell me than lose weight and exercise) was very suspicious of the role stress was playing. I'm not sure how to do this. I hate yoga like poison. I hate therapists even more. Maybe the walking will help. 

Anyway, my point is now I'm Fitbit pals with sandy. This may be a good thing or a bad thing. Fitbit ranks your friends. So now we are constantly trying to beat each other in seven day step averages (which, let's face it, really comes down to how much we are running). I went running yesterday even though it was cold and even though I hadn't planned to, just to make sure I was beating that bitch. 

Here's how it looks right now. As you can see, I'm kicking ass. And now my husband Chris has joined the party. 

Lost in my mind

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
- The Head and the Heart

I loved what my blista sista said about letting your body do its work while your mind does the same. It's so true and those are the best runs. There's a soothing in the repetitive motion, one foot in front of the other. The body builds strength, the mind heals. Today was my first day back on the mountain and while it was slow going, it was a beautiful run. They rerouted the trail in several places, maybe due to all the rain we had this year. I wasn't a fan as it was some of the more difficult parts that they smoothed out and made easier. I like having to work harder to earn my way to the top, but oh well. The body worked, the mind worked, and I'm in an ok place.

There are stars up above
We can start moving forward

I Feel The Love

"I had a dream so big and loud"

                             -American Authors

"I don't like time 

Time is making me old

But I'm doing alright

Cause I will still be young tomorrow"

                             -The Mowgli's 

A few weeks ago I went running on the trail. It was an Autumn day of the most perfect variety. Everything was good. My breathing settled in, my mind wandered... You know, that kind of run. 

And I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker a few months back. He was asking me what it was about running that made people so addicted to it. And I said because when it's good, it's really good. When you are doing it right, you let your body do its work and your mind is free to unravel problems you didn't think you could resolve or didn't even know you had. And he said I can't ever let my body just do its work, I'm too focused on how miserable I am for my mind to be free to focus on anything else. And I said that means you are going too fast. You need to slow down. 

And as I was remembering this conversation, I slowed down. I noticed the sky, the bunnies, the leaves that were all golden bursts of color on the trees. And heard that clear sweet voice in my head that just said "keep running."  

And I thought about the year I've had. Not an easy one. I turned 40 and I didn't take it particularly well. I spent time thinking a lot about things I missed, things I should have done, things I should have maybe delayed longer than I did. Lots of looking back, and lots of feeling angry and regretful. 

And I was reflecting on all this as I was running and all I kept hearing was "just keep running." 

It was a good run. And as I was on my way back, I was perhaps a quarter mile away from finishing, I came upon this, lying on the ground, face up:

Well, I found the one there on the left, the seven of spades. Now, if you don't know, I read tarot cards. Mostly for fun. And the seven of spades in the tarot deck is the seven of swords, that card there on the right. 

And I realized that I had seen several other cards face down a few yards back, but hadn't recognized them for what they were. I went back and picked them up. As I kept on, finishing my run, I found ten cards. Ten is a significant number in the tarot, it being the exact number of cards in the most common spread, the Celtic cross.  

So I went home and laid it all out and I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say this: the final card, often called the "outcome" was

That is the knight (jack) of cups (hearts). 

Autumn is a time of great power. Summer's green beauty is fading, but even as the leaves turn and fall and the earth prepares for the small death of Winter, this is also the time of great harvests. 

There are lessons to be learned, things worth fighting for and great adventures to be had. And in the powerful and magical season of Autumn, every single thing that has happened in the past, every decision made, every road traveled and not traveled, has happened for a reason and can now be harvested in the form of wisdom gained, strength tested and confidence in your own victory. So you enter Autumn stronger, ready for those next great adventures.  

The Autumn of my life is beginning, and good things are waiting. All I have to do is keep running towards them.