I'll build a fence, but how will I lock the gate?

So today is the day I start enjoying the comforts of the great indoors for my workouts.  First things first - I put my new lock in my gym bag and almost drop it on my old lock that was sitting right on top.  I immediately think of the daily show where Stewart made fun of John McCain for being old by having a puppet McCain on the show.  The puppet McCain complained about the illegal aliens who were breaking into his house and hiding the remote in the freezer.  Puppet McCain suggested he was going to build a fence around his remote.  Hmmm - sounds like the same people at work here.  Not sure if these illegal immigrants came north from Cleveland??? 

Anyway - I get to the gym ready to initiate my membership, but there isn't anyone who works there.  So I figure that I'll work out and then do it.  But there isn't anyone there after my workout either.  It's not a 24 hour club, so someone had to unlock the building, but no one is to be found.  Perhaps they figure that only people who belong will show up before 8AM and so they don't actually need an employee until later in the day.  Weird.  So I ran a couple miles on the treadmill with a strange interval pattern - like the kind of run you would go on if you were being chased (either by a overzealous fictional health club employee or a northbound migrant looking to wreak psychological havoc by hiding basic items).  Or like someone sprinting to catch up with his sanity.  Either way - nobody caught nothing.