La da dah da

Well I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door
- The Proclaimers

This song played during yoga tonight but it wasn't the upbeat song from the 90's, it was a coffee house acoustic version which was kinda funny. I ran a mile before yoga because I got to the gym late, and it was amazing how much more I enjoyed it. My yoga classes are freaking hard, especially after running. It made me miss the days when I used to just do yoga sometimes. I thought I'd do a mile after, so I had two, but decided not to bother. My favorite yoga pose is shivasana, which means corpse pose, which is just as it sounds. You lay flat on your back, arms and legs spread, like a dead person. It's very relaxing at the end of class and tonight someone actually snored. It was hilarious. Way worse than a fart.

Fuck You and the Vinyasa You Rode In On

I was VERY impatient with yoga this evening. It was a lot of of breathing, and you all know how I feel about breathing!!  Incidentally, did you know that if you breathe too much through your right nostril, you will overeat? Because that is something that was actually said in my yoga class tonight. THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS ACTUALLY SAID. 

Anyway, I also ran four miles. 

Broad shouldered beasts

But wasn't it you who said I was not free

And wasn't it you who said I needed peace

And now it's you who's floored by fear of it all

 - Mumford & Sons 

So yeah, I had an anxious day. It turns out I have more work to do. Esteem damaged by past relationships and poor choices and tolerating/justifying shit I should never have put up with. Again.  Grateful for an insightful friend to talk it through with. I think I've been denying the impact, and it is manifesting in anxiety triggered by seemingly nothing, or something ridiculous. So today I had a good cry and chose a new path. I went on the Pinnacle trail and lord goddess was it beautiful. I took it slow to take it all in, both the destructive beauty of the desert mountain and the desert in my heart. It was a good slow burn for 4.5 miles. I realized I will never get to a place where I'm "healed" from this malady of personal self-doubt and susceptibility to manipulation as a result, but I will get better.  Just knowing and being aware of it will help my judgment. And for now my focus is on me becoming as healthy and whole as I am able. Also, I didn't go yesterday, so 49.5 for February. I'm confident I can pick up the extra 1.5 along the way. 

Some Killer Queen You Are

It's a hundred miles an hour on a dirt road

Runnin' away

              -The Bleachers

Adding up the numbers, it seems I need to run four miles today and tomorrow to get my 50 for the month. I did it today, and the thought of doing it again tomorrow makes me pretty damn cranky. 

I ran two before yoga and two after. Unlike my sister, I'm finding it kind of nice to run after yoga. My breathing is better and I'm generally in a happy state and have a nice relaxing run. (This question of whether to run before or after yoga is apparently this year's hot topic. For kicks, you should look back in the archives for our scintillating discussions on running outside vs treadmill running. Compelling, I tell you.) Anyway, I think as long as you are taking it easy, running after yoga can be nice. 

So after all that hard work, I rewarded myself with pancakes and bacon. Following the estimable Rachel Maddow on the Twitter machine, I found this delightful recipe that was evidently Rosa Parks'. 

Fuck this shit

And now I just can't take no more
I've had it up to here!
I've had it
I've had it
- Weezer

I've run 13 miles in the last 4 days plus yoga, and I'm tired dammit! The good news is I'm at 49.5 for the month with a day left. If I do my 2 miles and yoga tomorrow I'm all good. But if I'm struggling this much in February with the mountain readily available to me, then this summer is gonna suck. I did yoga yesterday and two miles and then hit the mountain this morning with my booty complaining loudly most of the way. I heard this huge crash behind me coming down and turned around to see this guy sprawled on his face. He was a big dude and boy did he fall hard. He then ran ahead of me in sure hoping to never see me again. It did make me feel better about the many times the mountain has taken me down. Now I vow I shan't leave the couch of righteousness! My ears are all plugged up and I'm snotty from running in the February spring even though I took a Zyrtec this morning. Good times.

The dog days are over

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too

              -Florence and the Machine

It's been a rough few weeks. Dog got sick, dog had to be put down, son got sick, interviews for new jobs and blah blah blah. 

So running has been nothing short of rare. But today I finally got it together and went to yoga and ran three miles. I upgraded my gym membership so now I can go to the fancy gyms, which is nice. While they aren't as fancy as my sister's gym, they are a lot better than the regular gyms, so that is nice. 

I have been sticking with my twice per week yoga commitment, and I might possibly be a fraction more flexible. A small fraction. Like .00001 more flexible. Possibly. 

Wheezy

We've spent this whole time on the run
From a lie that I told
That you closed your eyes and you chose to believe
- Airborne Toxic Event, Bride & Groom

It was a tough choice I had to make this afternoon: nap or gym? Nap was very close to winning out. Thank goddess J got home from school so I had to pretend to be working. And then it was relatively easy to head to gym. I drive because it is 85 freaking degrees out which is really not cool in February (no pun intended. Ok totally intended). So I did two wheezy miles on the track. I thought I'd be ok inside and cool but I should have hit the inhaler. Then I walked to the yoga room only to discover that they no longer offer the 430 Friday class. Or the 600. I guess most lazy fuckers can't be bothered to exercise on Friday evening, as also evidenced by the sparsely populated gym. Or just maybe, only losers go to the gym on Friday evening. Something to ponder.

Happy

I wipe the slate clean
I kick the daydream,
And remain independently happy
- Blue October - Independently Happy

I took to the mountain today and thought a lot about how truly happy I am. Despite some things that got me down this week, I really can't complain. How many people can work in slippers all day and cut out at 430 to run on a mountain?  I've reached a place where I'm truly enjoying my life and for the most part letting things happen, not trying to control outcomes. It's so much more relaxing to live like that. And I got to enjoy first hand this beautiful sunset. 

Oh, I will try
But I tell you it ain't easy using only words
And so I'll begin
But I'll start at the end
- Kongos, This Time I Won't Forget

I love this song. I did 3.5 around the hood this evening. That's all I have to say about that.

I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

- Mumford & Sons - The Cave 

So I couldn't manage to go yesterday after sweating for 2 hours at a lacrosse game. And I couldn't possible go before - I was enjoying the opportunity to sleep late. It's been weeks. And I didn't end up going in Atlanta - I got a dinner invite that was much more tempting than the hotel gym. So today it has been almost a week since I last ran!  I ran to yoga and then ran/walked home for four miles. I still need 17 miles in the next 8 days to hit 50 for the month. Oy vey. Thank god for leap year and that extra day this month.