Dear Jakey

Headstrong
You and your long arms
Listing lazily
On the cusp of your teens

But you were my Jakey
And when you needed saving
I could just grab you
By the nape of your neck

There are times life will rattle your bones
And will bend your limbs
But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been

So you bend back and shake at the frame
Oh the frame you made
But don't you shake alone
Please Jakey, come home

- The Decemberists, Dear Avery

A few tears were shed on my run tonight, are still being shed. And I have my privacy because J is out being a boy with his friends on this, his 18th birthday. So can cry if I want to. The process of letting go has been a long one, and it continues. I thought this morning of the chaos he was born into, his mother having passed out in the bed and concerned doctors and family everywhere. I remember how he would never let me snuggle him before bed as a baby - he would give me the straight arm and demand to be put in his crib where he would fall asleep immediately, stroking his wisp of hair. And the nights after the divorce where he would refuse to let me leave his room, insisting that I was going to leave him. And now he's the one leaving, as it should be, one bit at a time.

Let Me Tell You Straight

Let me know I'm the one you fell in love with 

Let me know you'll call me when you need somebody strong and tall and brave

One to fix things when they break 

One to take your breath away 

Someone to stay 

        -Show Ponies

This song showed up on my Apple suggests playlist, and I love it. 

Anyway so I've been sick. An obnoxious cold turned into an even more obnoxious sinus infection that was so painful I actually had to go to the damn doctor and call in sick to work! Unheard of!! I started to feel better around Friday, but then we had a wedding reception we had to travel for and that took up the whole weekend, and then Monday I found myself planning to go, but feeling all anxious about it. Like, it's going to be hard, and I'm tired thinking about it. But today I found myself trying again to not go. So I employed the old "minimal effort" trick. Picked the least strenuous thing I could think of and told myself to do only that. Really, all that mattered was showing up, which I did. 

So I did three elliptical miles and I figured it would be easy enough and it was,  but my chest was still kind of hurty at the end, so getting back to where I was might be sort of slow. Oh well. 

Inside was an ocean
Of soul and devotion
Then you cut me open
- John Bellion, Robot

So I did the mountain yesterday and she was rather a bitch, as is her right. She reminds me that I don't own her, that I am only there by her good graces. It was a good workout though. I didn't go on Saturday. I was too busy being hungover and trying to get my head around what the hell is going on in my country. And then I went to a Nigerian party. Tonight is yoga - I've decided that Monday is yoga day. Not doing great on the goal so far this year but this will be my fourth yoga class so that's good.

Sweet mistakes

Life is full of sweet mistakes
And love's an honest one to make
Time leaves no fruit on the tree
- John Mayer, Live Forever

So I did 3 joyful and somewhat painful miles today after my Dr appt. She said my lungs sound good and that I should be using my inhaler before I run and that will ease my lung pain as my body adjusts. So I did that today and it helped tremendously although I can tell I'm not in great shape. More work to be done for sure. I did yoga in Monday and that was good too.

Changing

I am not done changing

Out on the run, changing

I may be old and I may be young

But I am not done changing

 - John Mayer, Changing 

"Some of us quit running. Some of us went home."  This is another line from this song that resonated with me today. I was talking to a friend recently about my asthma issues and my frustration, and he asked why I don't just quit running. And at first I was aghast at the thought. I love running for so many reasons. But I guess I do need to be reasonable in my expectations of my body, and maybe other kinds of exercise are better for me right now. I went 3.5 miles tonight and did the same run/walk/sprint/walk thing and it was ok although painful in the lungs. I was really grateful to be out there at all. This morning I received a message from a friend, crying hard, thanking me for saving her life. She had been cleaning out her closet and ran across all her old dialysis equipment and was overcome. She had visited her old dialysis center over the holidays to see her former caregivers, and inquired about some of her peers who had sat beside her for so many months in those chairs. A few of them had passed away. So I'm grateful that I have my healthy body to carry me even if it can't always do so in the ways I want. And grateful for the gift of life I was able to share. And also I will continue the fight against apathy. 

Cuz I'm Willing and I'm Able

She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel

So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?

             -Janelle Monae

This is my week. Yeah. I've been sick with a cold so I took the week mostly off.  But I did march today, and that counts! IT ALL COUNTS!!

A gift

Had some dreams that I will not share,
They're the last of what's buried there.
There's nothing new beneath the sun,
You're not the first or the last one.
- Wasted Fangs, Balconies

I had a relatively decent run despite myself today - or at least it felt like a decent run. It was really hard to get myself to go because it's just such a laborious thing these days. I finally went out at around four in a beautiful sprinkle of rain. I warmed up with a jog and since I can't run very far without losing my breath, I did short sprints. I ran fast for as long as I could, since I can run the same amount of time slowly before walking to catch my breath. I did that for 2.5 miles and then I walked the last mile home. I felt reasonably fatigued. So I got 3 this week because I went to Atlanta for two days.

Time to Run

I have no regrets 

I will not ask for your forgiveness

Nor your defense

              -Lord Huron

Here's my week. That run on Thursday was horrid, so we're all three runs, but that one was outside and the reason it was only 2.5 is because it was so damn cold and it took me literally the rest of the night to warm up. Plus, I had the dog with me and he pooped, so I had to carry his shit until I ran across a neighbor who had garbage cans out early for Friday pick up and then I had to feel guilty about dumping his poop in someone's trash barrel even though it was being picked up the next day. Anyway, the only good thing about how cold it was, was that I didn't really smell his poo, even though I was carrying it. I suspect it froze nearly immediately upon leaving his body. 

The rest of the week was fine. After four of those work outs I did abs work. But no yoga and I think that may be a challenge, the next two months at work are going to be pretty damn busy. 

I dont wanna know

I don't wanna know-oh-oh-oh
Who's takin you ho-oh -oh -ome
And lovin you so-oh - oh-oh
The way I used to love you no!
I don't wanna know
- Somebody and Adam Levine

I ALWAYS love me some Adam Levine. Sometimes in the war between gym and drinking, the drinking wins. And it did tonight. Work has been a giant asshole this week. I did get out of the office yesterday and run 2.5 before returning to finish the day, but it was an ugly struggly 2.5 and I wasn't proud. And tonight when I got home I drank wine instead. Cause that was a lot more fun.

Silly Season

I can see we're thinking about the same thing

Yes I see your expression when the phone rings 

We both know

There's something happening here

             - Queen Stevie Nicks

She has been anointed queen, no? If not, that should be rectified immediately! I downloaded my favorite songs of hers and tonight after a six mile elliptical kick ass and some abs work, I had myself s pretty good time in the hot tub grooving out. 

Have I told the blog about my new wireless headphones? I got some new wireless headphones which I now wear pretty much constantly around my neck, like the most bad ass necklace ever. My old ones only lasted three hours TOPS, but these last like 12!!! So I can wear them all day at work and then go work out in them and they don't die, plus they are water proof so hot tubbing is not interrupted! Granted, they are not likely helping my anti-social tendencies, but I'm not in a place right now where I give even a small shit. 

Anyway, I will leave you with this sweaty selfie I took tonight, and a fair warning that I might perhaps quote Queen Stevie all week. 

Don't people change?

There ain't no point in moving on
Till you've got somewhere to go

All those insecurities
that have held me down for so long
I can't say I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them so they're not so strong

There's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
- George Michael

This musical muse played during yoga yesterday and I loved it and I was mesmerized. So much so that I put it on repeat on my walk home from the gym. And it's so full of longing and melancholy that it made me feel like crying. And I listened again and again on the mountain today. I ran into an old classmate right in the middle. She looked beautiful and so happy it made me happy.

And I guess there's a road without you
But you once said there's a road back for every man
So here I am

My body

My body tells me no
But I won't quit cause I want more
- Young the Giant

I love this song to run to. I think my Blista Sista sent it - that woman has good taste in music. I still can't run cause of my ass-mar ($1 to anyone who gets that reference). I have to walk every quarter mile or so but I keep plugging away. It's actually quite a bit better since I got on this new medication, but I need to go back and get a higher dose I think. Anyhoo, today I'm doing my favorite workout - a 2 mile (uphill) run to the gym and then yoga. I'm gonna be very aware of what I eat tonight because yoga makes me so hungry. After last time I shoved food in my face for two hours.

I Just Knew Too Much

I remember when
I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

          - Gnarls Barkley

An oldie but a goodie. I download lots of those, I have such a good time, I tell ya. 

This is my week. My gym has this app that's pretty cool and really has a good recording function for your work outs. If you are on a cardio machine you can even just snap a pic of the final readout and it'll add it to your log for you. Pretty cool, and I like being able to get weekly and monthly stats. My Fitness Pal can do this too, but I'm not nearly as consistent about recording my food as I am my workouts so I'm not as good about going into MFP, even though I do have it on my phone and I even subscribe to the upgraded version. 

Anyway, this is so boring and isn't everyone so glad I started blogging again?!

Gotta Keep On Walkin'

And I want you to know 

When your body fails you 

Know that I won't 

              -Loamlands

I'm really mad I didn't know about this band until now, since it looks like they must have broken up or something. They aren't touring. 

Anyway, I worked from home today and watched an entire season of "My 600 Pound Life", which for anyone who knows me, knows it is unusual for me to watch that much tv. This particular show makes me feel guilty, such horrid voueurism. But it's also like looking into a very strange and distorted mirror, and I look and look, trying to find what's a real reflection and what is just the funhouse. 

I did do some work, but did not go to the gym. I'll go tomorrow so I'll have four for the week. And I'll go with chris, which is good I want him to show me how to use this set of abdominal machines. 

Don't blow, mountain
Please don't show us, mountain
That the end
Is as close as it's ever been

                                  - Loamlands

I'm not committing to blogging more than once a week, just to be clear. And I'm not going to be all pressured to come up with a song every time, either, the pressure is too much! Although now I have Apple Music, and am thus unleashed on the world, and Sandy and I are total music sharing fools, so maybe it will be easier, I don't know.

Anyway, I am SO on board with this year's goal! Everything counts!! I have made a pretty firm commitment to myself to not do distance goals any more, they just suck all the joy out of working out. I started out with the 1000K running goal with Sandy and Chris and by the end of the year I was the only one realistically still in it and I was completely miserable. I ended the year well over the 1000K but only after agonizing about whether or not to "count" the damn elliptical miles I was forced to do throughout November because my foot wouldn't stop fussing at me, likely due to all the downhill running I had been doing.

So today I ran four miles (making three.... [what, what are we calling these? sessions? workouts?] for the week) and I tried very hard to go to yoga. I worked from home since it was single digits all day here with snow, but I drove to the gym, and then drove to yoga, but when I got there they were closed, probably assuming nobody would be venturing out in this weather just to pay someone to lay around and breathe (it was gentle yoga [please... like I am going to do actual hard yoga after already having run four miles, who the hell do you think I am?]). They underestimated me.

To my myriad fans, sorry I was away so long. Google stopped supporting the Blogger app, which is how I had been posting, using my phone. Then, with one iOS update or another, it stopped working. So I needed to do the thing where you can email posts to publish, but then the election happened, which obviously threw me in to a pit of dark despair from which I will likely never emerge fully, so I mean, what the hell are you gonna do, you know? If nothing matters, blogging certainly doesn't matter. (Although none of it made me skip a beat as far as working out, that continued uninterrupted and at my usual levels, and was really one of the only things that made me feel better, which I knew it would.)

Bones

There's bones in my closet but you hang stuff anyway
- John Bellion, Guillotine

The DJ on my alternative station last week listed this as his favorite and I'd never heard of the guy. Thanks to the wonder that is Apple Music, I was able to download it and I listened on my 3.5 mile neighborhood run/walk today which was very much not pretty. I enjoyed the music though and this line made me laugh. I guess we all want someone who hangs stuff with the bones, right? My closet probably doesn't have room for anything else though.

Booty hurty

I can't tell you how nice it was to go to yoga tonight and just do yoga. I didn't arrive sweaty and breathless and already tired from a run. I didn't have to worry about getting a run in after. I was noticeably less strong - it's been about three months since I last went - and I struggled with the push-ups. It wasn't a very difficult class but my muscles were fatigued after and I will likely have some soreness tomorrow. But I feel so relaxed. I may even want to run tomorrow. And I'm sure that some days I will want to run to yoga. But the key is I'm not bound to any plan. So many options!

Walking on

Walking on with no one left
Speaking softly underneath my breath
Sayin hey world you ain't seen nothing yet
Great, now it's raining.
- John Mayer - Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey 

Today I did a really cool hike in the Superstition Mountains for a couple hours with fat dog at my side. She's limping around tonight so I feel bad, I probably pushed her too far but she had a great time. Her running days are over but she still makes an energetic hiking companion, and everybody smiles at me when I'm with her, which makes it nice. I also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking up phallis jokes about this picture. But maybe it's just me. Anyhoo, I've been contemplating my goals for 2017. The goal of 1000k makes running a real grind, a chore. And it devalues any sort of other exercise. I want to have my exercise be challenging but also inspirational and enjoyable (stay with me here). For me, exercise can almost be spiritual at times, especially when I'm in nature. So I contemplated the reasons I exercise:  1.  To maintain good health, physical and mental. 2.  To maintain my weight and look good (call

me vain if you will). 3.  To be fit enough to do the things I enjoy like snowboarding and other sports.  These purposes are all served by a variety of activities. So my goal this year is to exercise purposefully 4-5 times per week. My default will likely still be running as it always has been, but hiking counts. Swimming counts. Snowboarding counts. And I need to incorporate yoga once per week as well, which counts. I know my body needs the strength and flexibility it provides. It is so decreed, 2017. 

The wrap up

So I don't have any profound or insightful lyrics to close the year with. Truth is, I'm exhausted. And damn happy to put this year behind me. I've struggled with asthma and weight gain and my running all year while traveling more than I ever have and helping J navigate senior year and contemplate his future, along with nursing a broken heart. Add to that the dark comedy of American politics and social tensions, and I'm ready to move on. There will always be better days. That's from THATH, so I guess I do have lyrics that made an impact this year. I fell short of our 1000k goal. I ended up with 530 miles (618 was the goal). Started with a bang and went out with a whimper - only 10 days and 32 miles in December. I haven't made time for yoga in a few months and I can feel it in my hips. But there will always be better days and the mountain will always be here. Don't go, mountain.