Slaying Minor Demons

Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
                           - Imagine Dragons

I have a gym at work. I should actually say, I have a "gym" at work, since it consists of two treadmills, two bikes and some elliptical machines that I don't like. There are some weights as well. I give lots of credit to my work gym for the consistency of my exercise.  It is literally right in the lobby of the building where I work, mere steps away from my desk and this has allowed me to run on days when I otherwise would not. Because I won't run outside at work. There are reasons for this, but mostly it is just flat out ridiculous insecurity. I used to manage a large team of hourly employees, many of whom disliked me, and I just always felt like I don't need work people seeing me run outside. It was somewhat irrational, I know, but I just never did get over it, and since the work gym was typically empty it made it all too easy to just stay with my comfort zone and run on the treadmill at work, even while I was pushing boundaries at home, and running around my neighborhood without a care in the world.

But lately, that gym is wearing on me. Bitch head used to be a reason to not go there during certain times (although, for anyone interested in the bitch head saga, she has been fired, apparently for having a bad attitude, imagine that), and there were other times when it was crowded, typically in January, but it always thinnned out in the end. But the last few weeks.... my god. Every time I go down there I seem to run into women who want to walk on the treadmill in their work clothes while yakking to each other. It drives me insane.

Friday I had a "last straw" moment. I went down to the gym, and found it empty when I walked in. I went to the locker room to dress out, and by the time I came out of the locker room, four women had come in and taken over the treadmills and the bikes, all in their work clothes and all YAKKING. So, I sat down on the weight bench (yes, god forbid I just spend time lifting weights, just shut up, I don't want to hear it), giving them the stink eye and figuring they would be off soon, and I thought to myself "it is a perfectly nice day outside, why don't they just go outside and walk?" only to have me answer myself with "well, it IS a perfectly nice day outside.... so why don't you just go outside and run?" To which I answered myself the most absurd thing, "when I get my tummy tuck, I'll run outside at work, then it will be okay."

Sigh. So, I spent the weekend pondering this and knowing that it is just ten thousand ways of fucked up. Surgery is not magic. It does not miraculously resolve irrational insecurities, it does not motivate you to exercise in different ways (or motivate you to exercise at all!), and I know this better than anyone.
So today, I ran outside. At work. I found a loop that is around a mile, brought my Garmin and my interval timer. And when I went into the locker room to change, sure enough it was ladies social hour again at the work gym. But I didn't have to worry about that. I did 3.3 miles.

All of which is to say, today I fought some demons. Today I won.