Dear Jakey

Headstrong
You and your long arms
Listing lazily
On the cusp of your teens

But you were my Jakey
And when you needed saving
I could just grab you
By the nape of your neck

There are times life will rattle your bones
And will bend your limbs
But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been

So you bend back and shake at the frame
Oh the frame you made
But don't you shake alone
Please Jakey, come home

- The Decemberists, Dear Avery

A few tears were shed on my run tonight, are still being shed. And I have my privacy because J is out being a boy with his friends on this, his 18th birthday. So can cry if I want to. The process of letting go has been a long one, and it continues. I thought this morning of the chaos he was born into, his mother having passed out in the bed and concerned doctors and family everywhere. I remember how he would never let me snuggle him before bed as a baby - he would give me the straight arm and demand to be put in his crib where he would fall asleep immediately, stroking his wisp of hair. And the nights after the divorce where he would refuse to let me leave his room, insisting that I was going to leave him. And now he's the one leaving, as it should be, one bit at a time.

Let Me Tell You Straight

Let me know I'm the one you fell in love with 

Let me know you'll call me when you need somebody strong and tall and brave

One to fix things when they break 

One to take your breath away 

Someone to stay 

        -Show Ponies

This song showed up on my Apple suggests playlist, and I love it. 

Anyway so I've been sick. An obnoxious cold turned into an even more obnoxious sinus infection that was so painful I actually had to go to the damn doctor and call in sick to work! Unheard of!! I started to feel better around Friday, but then we had a wedding reception we had to travel for and that took up the whole weekend, and then Monday I found myself planning to go, but feeling all anxious about it. Like, it's going to be hard, and I'm tired thinking about it. But today I found myself trying again to not go. So I employed the old "minimal effort" trick. Picked the least strenuous thing I could think of and told myself to do only that. Really, all that mattered was showing up, which I did. 

So I did three elliptical miles and I figured it would be easy enough and it was,  but my chest was still kind of hurty at the end, so getting back to where I was might be sort of slow. Oh well. 

Inside was an ocean
Of soul and devotion
Then you cut me open
- John Bellion, Robot

So I did the mountain yesterday and she was rather a bitch, as is her right. She reminds me that I don't own her, that I am only there by her good graces. It was a good workout though. I didn't go on Saturday. I was too busy being hungover and trying to get my head around what the hell is going on in my country. And then I went to a Nigerian party. Tonight is yoga - I've decided that Monday is yoga day. Not doing great on the goal so far this year but this will be my fourth yoga class so that's good.

Sweet mistakes

Life is full of sweet mistakes
And love's an honest one to make
Time leaves no fruit on the tree
- John Mayer, Live Forever

So I did 3 joyful and somewhat painful miles today after my Dr appt. She said my lungs sound good and that I should be using my inhaler before I run and that will ease my lung pain as my body adjusts. So I did that today and it helped tremendously although I can tell I'm not in great shape. More work to be done for sure. I did yoga in Monday and that was good too.

Changing

I am not done changing

Out on the run, changing

I may be old and I may be young

But I am not done changing

 - John Mayer, Changing 

"Some of us quit running. Some of us went home."  This is another line from this song that resonated with me today. I was talking to a friend recently about my asthma issues and my frustration, and he asked why I don't just quit running. And at first I was aghast at the thought. I love running for so many reasons. But I guess I do need to be reasonable in my expectations of my body, and maybe other kinds of exercise are better for me right now. I went 3.5 miles tonight and did the same run/walk/sprint/walk thing and it was ok although painful in the lungs. I was really grateful to be out there at all. This morning I received a message from a friend, crying hard, thanking me for saving her life. She had been cleaning out her closet and ran across all her old dialysis equipment and was overcome. She had visited her old dialysis center over the holidays to see her former caregivers, and inquired about some of her peers who had sat beside her for so many months in those chairs. A few of them had passed away. So I'm grateful that I have my healthy body to carry me even if it can't always do so in the ways I want. And grateful for the gift of life I was able to share. And also I will continue the fight against apathy. 

Cuz I'm Willing and I'm Able

She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel

So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?

             -Janelle Monae

This is my week. Yeah. I've been sick with a cold so I took the week mostly off.  But I did march today, and that counts! IT ALL COUNTS!!

A gift

Had some dreams that I will not share,
They're the last of what's buried there.
There's nothing new beneath the sun,
You're not the first or the last one.
- Wasted Fangs, Balconies

I had a relatively decent run despite myself today - or at least it felt like a decent run. It was really hard to get myself to go because it's just such a laborious thing these days. I finally went out at around four in a beautiful sprinkle of rain. I warmed up with a jog and since I can't run very far without losing my breath, I did short sprints. I ran fast for as long as I could, since I can run the same amount of time slowly before walking to catch my breath. I did that for 2.5 miles and then I walked the last mile home. I felt reasonably fatigued. So I got 3 this week because I went to Atlanta for two days.

Time to Run

I have no regrets 

I will not ask for your forgiveness

Nor your defense

              -Lord Huron

Here's my week. That run on Thursday was horrid, so we're all three runs, but that one was outside and the reason it was only 2.5 is because it was so damn cold and it took me literally the rest of the night to warm up. Plus, I had the dog with me and he pooped, so I had to carry his shit until I ran across a neighbor who had garbage cans out early for Friday pick up and then I had to feel guilty about dumping his poop in someone's trash barrel even though it was being picked up the next day. Anyway, the only good thing about how cold it was, was that I didn't really smell his poo, even though I was carrying it. I suspect it froze nearly immediately upon leaving his body. 

The rest of the week was fine. After four of those work outs I did abs work. But no yoga and I think that may be a challenge, the next two months at work are going to be pretty damn busy. 

I dont wanna know

I don't wanna know-oh-oh-oh
Who's takin you ho-oh -oh -ome
And lovin you so-oh - oh-oh
The way I used to love you no!
I don't wanna know
- Somebody and Adam Levine

I ALWAYS love me some Adam Levine. Sometimes in the war between gym and drinking, the drinking wins. And it did tonight. Work has been a giant asshole this week. I did get out of the office yesterday and run 2.5 before returning to finish the day, but it was an ugly struggly 2.5 and I wasn't proud. And tonight when I got home I drank wine instead. Cause that was a lot more fun.

Silly Season

I can see we're thinking about the same thing

Yes I see your expression when the phone rings 

We both know

There's something happening here

             - Queen Stevie Nicks

She has been anointed queen, no? If not, that should be rectified immediately! I downloaded my favorite songs of hers and tonight after a six mile elliptical kick ass and some abs work, I had myself s pretty good time in the hot tub grooving out. 

Have I told the blog about my new wireless headphones? I got some new wireless headphones which I now wear pretty much constantly around my neck, like the most bad ass necklace ever. My old ones only lasted three hours TOPS, but these last like 12!!! So I can wear them all day at work and then go work out in them and they don't die, plus they are water proof so hot tubbing is not interrupted! Granted, they are not likely helping my anti-social tendencies, but I'm not in a place right now where I give even a small shit. 

Anyway, I will leave you with this sweaty selfie I took tonight, and a fair warning that I might perhaps quote Queen Stevie all week.