All the ways that you think you know me
All the limits that you figured out
I had to learn to keep it all below me
Just to keep from being thrown around
- Christina Aguilera, We Remain

With every run I get stronger. Running is healing. 3.5 today.

I was there

And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
Till you tore it all up
Running scared
I was there, I remember it all too well
- Taylor Swift, All Too Well

Quoted in homage to T Swizzle who performed this song beautifully at the Grammys on Sunday. Gorgeous song. My runs this week have been difficult. Legs feeling like they weigh 100 pounds each. I did go to the gym on Sunday after my almost-half-marathon-hike (it's easier to reconcile how sore I was Sunday when I think of it that way) and did a slow 2 on the treadmill as an excuse for a long soak in the hot tub. The gym felt really empty. Anyhoo, I did 3.5 yesterday and it was tough. Then again today and still tough even after a pit stop in the park. See that tiny point far back in the middle of the picture? That's Toms Thumb. I was there. My body remembers it all too well.

My private life is an inside joke

I was dressed in white, touched by something pure
Death obsessed like a teenager
Sold my tortured youth, piss and vinegar
I'm still angry with no reason to be

                                      Shell Games, Bright Eyes



I haven't had a good run in so long, I'm beginning to forget what they feel like. I'm running... and it's okay, but it just feels mostly like slogging along. My breathing won't settle, my legs feel heavy and I can't find any explanation for it. It feels like I'm getting sick, but it's been this way for weeks, since the start of the new year. 

In the next few weeks/months I have a whole ton of travel too, so it's going to be lots of treadmills and meals out... God help me.

I'm at 57 miles so far for January.

Long day

It may be better to move on,
and to let life just carry on,
And I may be wrong.
But still, I'll try.
'Cause it's better to love whether you win or lose or die
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Graveyard Near The House

I could say this was a good week, because I got 19 miles in. Or I could say it was a bad week, cause I only went three times. I had work peeps in town with the requisite dinners, etc. but this morning I went on a 12 mile hike up to Toms Thumb. It was gorgeous and difficult - about 2100 foot gain in elevation. The rock formations were incredible. The first part of the hike went poorly. I bought a camelbak last night specifically for this purpose, and the damn think leaked all over me so my shorts were soaking wet. I finally ended up carrying it and drinking all the water, figuring it's better to drink it quickly than wear it. So I was out of water halfway up. But we left at 8 and it was a very cool morning so I wasn't too worried. The last 2 miles up were real butt burners. In fact my butt is aching right now on the couch. I ran the first couple miles down but my legs were really achy. I started getting nautious, which I know is a sign of dehydration. Also I had only eaten 3 small granola bars and didn't want to eat anymore because I was out of water. And I was afraid of waking my digestive system. So the last part of the hike didn't go well either. It was totally worth it though and I will go again and be better prepared. It took 4.5 hours to do the 12-mile round trip. THEN, as much as I wanted to curl up on the couch, I went home, showered and took my Casa kids ice skating. So it's been a long day, long week. But I am grateful for a beautiful morning.

wide open

The future was wide open
- Tom Petty

One of the things about hitting the "reset" button on your life is you have the opportunity to re-invent yourself, and decide who you want to be.  This song isn't even on my iPod but it randomly popped into my head on my run today.  I've hit reset on many aspects of my life over the last 18 months.  Reinvention is exhausting and frightening, but it can also be exhilarating.  I can't even express how wonderful it is to be home when my kids get home most days, and the gift of having them come into my office to chat about their days.  With K graduating in May and heading off to college in the fall, this time is so precious.  Priceless.  And I have this gift because I've reinvented my career, right in the middle of it, which was very scary.  But the rewards have been great.  So when I get wrapped up in fear and sadness, I am trying focus on the positive aspects of change - the sky truly is the limit.  These were the things I contemplated on my 3.5 miles today, which were unusually difficult.  My legs felt like they weighed 100 lbs each.  They were so achy last night after my mountain run that it was hard to sleep.  Today I am grateful for the universe showing me a silver lining. 

Now I'm down in all my fears
but I ain't cryin no tears
- The Goo Goo Dolls, Two Days in February

Hot

All she wants is a funky rockin' rolla
She knows she's got the look
That's why she gives the cold shoulder
She keeps it hot even in December
This ain't about the weather
- new politics, give me hope

I ran into several people I knew on the mountain this morning which was a bit odd since I rarely see anyone and today I saw 3 separate people. A couple were from my old job, and it was nice to see them. Thank goodness I was running. I had a decent run this morning which was quite necessary given the steak and wine and ice cream I had last night. A great week of running - 19.5 miles! My legs are strong but my arm is actually stiff from holding my friends 7 pound baby this week. It's a slippery slope past 40 my friends.

Believe

Should I believe in the world momma
Should I give up and hide or should I stay and fight
Should I believe in the rules momma
- New Politics, tonight you're perfect

This is a cute song that my girl shared with me because it reminds her of me and that makes me smile. Today's run was kinda fawffle. I should have taken note of the epic run by Bad Haircut after having eaten waffles for breakfast, but alas I prefer to learn the hard lessons myself. So running after waffles is not a good idea, for the record, and it requires a pit stop in the park. I did get 3.5 miles in even after joggus interruptis. It wasn't a great run but it got the job done even though it made me late for my lunch date. If I'm being honest I would have been late anyway. It's how I roll. I made a Mexican fiesta to watch the ASU/UA basketball game tonight and am now couch ridden in a semi-food-coma, having ruined all the benefits of my running efforts. Which is just as well given the score. Tonight I'm grateful for my awesome job that allows me to go for a run at 930 in the morning and for my amazing and funny daughter.

500 miles

If you miss the train I'm on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow
A hundred miles
- Justin Timberlake et al, 500 miles

A nod to our 2013 accomplishment there. I asked J who he thinks sings this song, and his first guess was me, LOL! Then he guessed someone in my family. So I agreed its grandpa. But really it's a gentle little ditty from Inside Llewin Davis, an otherwise awfully boring movie, but the music was great. And this is JT like you've never heard him. Jman was quite surprised. Anyway, I was due a good run tonight and was happy I got out there after work (I do pretend to work sometimes). I got in a good fast 3.5, although bear in mind that fast in my world doesn't qualify me for "all levels" still, so it was probably an 11 minute pace. But I felt better than I have since I got my NYE cold.

Hanging on for hope

Are you hanging on for hope? It's all you've got worth living for. Is it much too much to cope the road out? There's a tension when we speak. The income's overrated but it's worth it when we meet on common ground.
- New Amsterdams

I have to say things didn't go well on the mountain today even though I did see a pair of adorable chipmunks and stopped to chat with them at which point I wondered if other people talk to animals the way I do. I'm not sure they do. I hung on and I walked more than I would have preferred but I got to enjoy some sights that I don't normally take the time to appreciate. Then I went on a movie date with my babies to see Sole Survivor, which was really a Great War movie and I don't normally like war movies. Now K and I are watching the Golden Globes and I am flabbergasted that Meryl didn't win for August Osage County and I'm not normally a fan of hers but she was incredible in that. Equally flabbergasted that Her is even nominated, much less just won for best screenplay. Wtf. My blista sista and I are going to investigate that mystery next weekend. I will close tonight with a quote from Amy Adams who upset Meryl because it touched my heart:

Thank you so much for teaching me to accept joy and let go of fear.

Until the night falls, we're the only ones left

I'm in misery where you can seem as old as your omens
And the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling
The way is long but you can make it easy on me
And the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

                                            -CHVRCHES

Got 15 miles in this week, including four outside, which always feels like a bit of a miracle in January. This song... I can't stop listening to this song. On repeat, over and over again, although I have to be careful of it when I'm actually running, it's one of those songs that can cause inexplicable crying.