Leave me alone, I'm busy!

I only got three in this week and I barely made it today, so it could have been worse. First the dog needed a hair cut. Then I needed a hair cut (and highlights). Then I had to procure food for the bottomless pit that is my 15 year old boy. Then I had to take a nap. Then I had to read an essay that made me cry. Then I finally made it to the gym, and now I have a movie to get to. I barely had time for a short hot tub, which is where this missive comes to you from. 

Mmmm breakfast

You say I got a problem

Baby, I ain't trying to solve them

I started from the bottom

And I'm up right now, yeah

I like to go where they know me

Where I ain't never feeling lonely

 - Life of Dillon, Sex for Breakfast 

This song had me laughing walking home from the gym tonight. I'm feeling good about my Monday night yoga routine, and tonight I got home in time to run there because my office closed all the bathrooms and sent us to port-a-potties in the parking lot. I wish I was joking about that. Not gonna lie, the run sucked, but I think it's getting incrementally better. I've been trying to eat well and make sure I'm getting a lot of protein. I know it will be easier to run once I've shed a few pounds. I blame my kidney for not working hard enough. Tonight I got to do yoga next to a good looking dude who took his shirt off about ten minutes in. Usually I take exception to that, but in this case I was overjoyed. And I spent the rest of class sneaking glances. 

Born ready

I do t believe in no devil
Cause I done raised this hell
I've been the last one standing
When all the giants fell
I won't shiver, I won't shake
I'm made of stone, I don't break
Start me up, open my eyes
Turn me loose and you'll see why
I was born, born ready
Starin at that pressure now
I won't quit, not backin down
- Zayde Wolf, Born Ready

I wish my run was as good as this song makes it sound, cause this is a fierce running song. I did the mountain today and it was tough. I struggled on the way up, legs and bootie weary. I did 3.5 around the neighborhood yesterday afternoon so maybe I was still tired this morning, but that run was also difficult. One thing I've learned over the years though, if you keep going it gets better. I won't quit, not backin down.

The Way Our Bodies Used To Behave

'Cause I know the old you

And you know the old me

When we were both lookers

          - The Menzingers

Chris has a few gray hairs at his temple, which I just gleefully noticed today and promptly pointed out to him. I've had gray hair for years now, it's high time he started catching up!!

Anyway here is my week, much better, no? Yes. These were all elliptical miles, for whatever that's worth (or not worth). The last run outside I did was so awful, I just wasn't up to my confidence being beaten up to try it this week. This week it was much more important to show up and have some wins. 

What is that song

That you just posted by the Dunwells? I had no music tonight as I ran on the treadmill at 9:20 pm in my hotel in Georgia after a dinner of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and pie. An awful and victorious two miles. Also I did a barre class last night which I rather disliked but fills in for yoga this week and tonight my abs cry out every time I sneeze. Now I'm listening to the rain and thunder outside my window in the dark and it's beautiful.

We Are All Just Falling Stars

This picture in my mind

That I thought was lost in time

It reminds me of who I was

And saved me from a life

Of the dark days

Against the dark days

              - The Dunwells

It's taking me a minute to come back from this recent spate of illness and laziness, but I have worked out three times this week so I'm confident it'll happen. It's still harder than it should be, but what are you gonna do. On Monday I was even happy with anticipation to get to the gym. 

Last night I had a late meeting so this morning I went to the gym in the morning which I don't usually get to do on weekdays. I like it there during those times. The gym is full of the older set and I find their company pleasing most of the time. The locker room is full of women doing their hair, make-up and going through rituals of women and it's comforting. 

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?
- Pink - Glitter In The Air

I got this song from my Sista Lo - as I recall we were sharing our personal sad songs while drinking up in Pinetop.  This song happened today when I let my Fitbit app control the music. It's beautiful and sad. The part about waiting for the ring to prove you're not alone resonated, but really only as echoes of last year. I ha e friends and I'm happy. I'm alone when I choose to be, as in today watching the game. And I hang with friends when I choose to. And always I have fat dog.  Today I ran the mountain and it felt damn good. I ran almost all the way down and no lung pain. One hour and fourteen minutes. Not bad I say. Happy I say. 

I'm Made of Stone, I Don't Break

I don't believe in no devil
'Cause I done raised this hell
I've been the last one standing
When all the giants fell

 

           -Zayde Wolf

So, this here is my week. About the best that can be said is that it was better than last week. I've been quite ill. 

But today I went running, and while there was admittedly a lot of walking, it did get done. My chest still hurts though and I'm still coughing from it. 

Tomorrow is my birthday and I have avowed that I am going to the gym! 

          

Dear Jakey

Headstrong
You and your long arms
Listing lazily
On the cusp of your teens

But you were my Jakey
And when you needed saving
I could just grab you
By the nape of your neck

There are times life will rattle your bones
And will bend your limbs
But you're still far and away the boy you've ever been

So you bend back and shake at the frame
Oh the frame you made
But don't you shake alone
Please Jakey, come home

- The Decemberists, Dear Avery

A few tears were shed on my run tonight, are still being shed. And I have my privacy because J is out being a boy with his friends on this, his 18th birthday. So can cry if I want to. The process of letting go has been a long one, and it continues. I thought this morning of the chaos he was born into, his mother having passed out in the bed and concerned doctors and family everywhere. I remember how he would never let me snuggle him before bed as a baby - he would give me the straight arm and demand to be put in his crib where he would fall asleep immediately, stroking his wisp of hair. And the nights after the divorce where he would refuse to let me leave his room, insisting that I was going to leave him. And now he's the one leaving, as it should be, one bit at a time.

Let Me Tell You Straight

Let me know I'm the one you fell in love with 

Let me know you'll call me when you need somebody strong and tall and brave

One to fix things when they break 

One to take your breath away 

Someone to stay 

        -Show Ponies

This song showed up on my Apple suggests playlist, and I love it. 

Anyway so I've been sick. An obnoxious cold turned into an even more obnoxious sinus infection that was so painful I actually had to go to the damn doctor and call in sick to work! Unheard of!! I started to feel better around Friday, but then we had a wedding reception we had to travel for and that took up the whole weekend, and then Monday I found myself planning to go, but feeling all anxious about it. Like, it's going to be hard, and I'm tired thinking about it. But today I found myself trying again to not go. So I employed the old "minimal effort" trick. Picked the least strenuous thing I could think of and told myself to do only that. Really, all that mattered was showing up, which I did. 

So I did three elliptical miles and I figured it would be easy enough and it was,  but my chest was still kind of hurty at the end, so getting back to where I was might be sort of slow. Oh well.