Little deaths

Sleep
Sleep tonight
And may your dreams
be realized
If the thundercloud
passes rain
So let it rain
Let it rain
- U2

I just wrote this awesome heartfelt post that was then deleted by my awesome phone so the short version is I ran to yoga this song played I had some insight that I need to just focus on me and my health and wellbeing right now and get over feeling like there's this urgency to find mr wonderful because j is leaving soon and my life will this be empty and without purpose. So I deleted my tinder profile and made lots of plans to do things I enjoy like a trail race in the superstitions and volunteering at a horse show I've wanted to go to and an asu golf tournament plus I have some work trips and lax games coming up. So head is out of ass.

It's not hard to live like a ghost
I just haunt all that I've wanted
And leave what I don't
- Blind Pilot - Half Moon 

This is one of my favorite songs and t came on during yoga yesterday. A nice surprise. I didn't get off the couch in time to run before yoga, so just yoga yesterday. Heading out for trail run now. 

Joke

Put me on a pedestal and I'll only disappoint you
Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you
Give me all your money and I'll make some origami, honey
I think you're a joke but I don't find you very funny

- Courtney Barnett, Pedestrian at Best

This is an awesome song to run to, especially when angry. Not that I'm angry today, but it did make me giggle. I ran two miles. I took some walk breaks in the second mile. Today was intended to be a light day and now I have my 12.5 for the week. So anything Saturday will be bonus. My hip doesn't hurt so my yoga strategy is working. Or my new shoes.

Foolish Father

Forgive your foolish father
He did the best that he could do
You are his daughter
He'd do anything for you
- Weezer

Hee Hee!! Heard this song on my run and couldn't resist! Sometimes I like to speak directly to the fans. So today I did my 3.5 mile route outside and it felt good. You never know what to expect on a run and frankly I haven't run this whole route since mid-December. And that was the first time since my surgery in June when I realized that a) I was back to my previous fitness level and b) I could no longer use the kidney card as an excuse. So today went well. A little slow but well. And now I have 10.5 miles for the week!

Word

Every word you say
I think I should write down
Don't want to forget come daylight
- Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk

So today I did yoga and I will say it was a struggle. I ran two miles first and my muscles were probably still weak from yesterday. This song came on near the end and I was reminded of a boyfriend from a few years ago and how crazy I was about him. Looking back I can see that it wasn't a mature sort of love, but it was the first time I realized I could love again after my divorce. So it was a bittersweet time. I wonder the same now, if I even have the capacity for healthy love. Who knows. I always hoped to find someone before J was grown, but that ship has sailed. I so wanted him to have a strong male figure in his life. I hope I will look back on this time and be grateful I had this time to raise him on my own (for the most part anyway). The meditation today was on changing negative patterns, and I focused on doing so gracefully. I feel like I'm a very strong person but I struggle to act with grace sometimes. But I digress. Now I sit, body aching, watching the national championship. What an awesome game! I will most likely take tomorrow off to recover and I'm glad I've already got 7 miles this week!

I really can't stay

But baby it's cold outside
I have to go away
But baby it's cold outside
This evening has been so nice and warm
Look out that window at that storm!
- Cold Outside as sung by Zachary Braff and Donald Faison

Yes this version is on my iPhone and it just cracks me up. It was also my dialogue with myself last Thursday as I tried to force myself to go run. Needless to say I did not succeed. I went to a wrestling tournament in Apache Junction on Saturday dressed for a trail run in the superstitions thinking I'd be done by noon, but J did better than expected so we weren't done until 430. So I only got four miles last week! That motivated me to add an extra half mile into my trail run today by running the parking lot. So I got 5 today, a good start to the week. Now for the golden globes woot!!!

I may be mad, I may be blind, I may be viciously unkind

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread

These are the tears...

The tears we shed

This is the fear

This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

                -Annie Lennox

In honor of my upcoming birthday, I give you this most depressing and depressingly relatable song.

I'll get my twelve miles in this week but barely, due to neck issues and plans getting cancelled Friday night, but I hadn't brought my gym bag to work with me, because I expected to be going out! Stupid weather. Anyway, so I only made it three times this week. 

Today at the gym there was a guy running on the treadmill with a backpack. And at least two men running with big hoodies on with the hoods up. They're going to sweat off the weight, see. 

I got a selfie stick for Christmas, so you can look forward to more of this sort of brilliance. 

This is all I ever was

And this is all you came across those years ago
Now you go too far
Don't tell me that I've changed because that's not the truth
- Mumford and Sons, Ditmas

I absolutely love this song. It's sort of a reality check when I'm feeling down on myself. Myself shouts back at me - hey! This is all I ever was! I went to the gym again last night and my girl tagged along with me. We ran two miles and then did yoga. It's such an awesome workout. I generally feel like I shouldn't do it more than once or twice a week but I'm feeling really strong today! The issue is that's only 4 miles this week and I need to get 12. So we shall see how this goes. And it is so nice having this fun relationship with my sweet girl as she gets older. And the clouds were beautiful yesterday. I wished I were among them in the mountains.

Maybe She's Just Looking For Someone To Dance With

See, it was just too soon to tell

And looking for some parallel

Can be an endless game 

            -Michael Penn

I just downloaded this album, and I tell you, there are very few albums that make me feel more 16 years old than that one. Because I was cool like that in high school. 

I haven't done any running or much else this week since I aggravated my chronic neck injury by reading all weekend on the couch with my neck in a bad position, which I knew and did it anyway. (I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, I haven't gotten to Virginia Woolf yet, I have all year). 

However!!! We did our first dance class where we learned the Foxtrot, which is a very boring dance, as far as I can tell. I can also say unequivocally that we are terrible at this. But we will go back again, we had fun, even if we were terrible. 

3 things I learned for sure

In yoga class today. 1. My body never wants extra push-ups. 2. I'm never on autopilot during yoga- I'm always struggling to figure out what the hell my body is supposed to be doing or collapsing under the strain of it. 3. There is a hole in this particular pair of yoga pants. Right in the cheek. So.

The challenge to this whole 1000k goal this year is that I can't just run for my exercise. I did 600 miles in 2014 and my hips were a mess at the end because I was born without ass muscles. So I have to definitely keep up yoga. Which will be a challenge. Tonight I ran two miles before yoga which seems like the perfect workout to me. But it's a good 2 hour time suck so difficult to do more than once or twice a week. And yes, the writing about it does keep me motivated because of the accountability factor. So bring it 2016!!! I'm down.