Fitbit!!!!

I got a Fitbit. Because despite every damn thing I do right, apparently my blood sugar is still too high and my doctors insist I have "prediabetes" whatever the fuck all that is. So my goals are to be more active even on the days I don't run. And to cut down on the sugar, which is extremely hard for me. I also need to probably reduce my stress. The dietician I spoke to (after yelling at a nurse or two because they didn't seem to have anything better to tell me than lose weight and exercise) was very suspicious of the role stress was playing. I'm not sure how to do this. I hate yoga like poison. I hate therapists even more. Maybe the walking will help. 

Anyway, my point is now I'm Fitbit pals with sandy. This may be a good thing or a bad thing. Fitbit ranks your friends. So now we are constantly trying to beat each other in seven day step averages (which, let's face it, really comes down to how much we are running). I went running yesterday even though it was cold and even though I hadn't planned to, just to make sure I was beating that bitch. 

Here's how it looks right now. As you can see, I'm kicking ass. And now my husband Chris has joined the party. 

Lost in my mind

Put your dreams away for now
I won't see you for some time
I am lost in my mind
I get lost in my mind
- The Head and the Heart

I loved what my blista sista said about letting your body do its work while your mind does the same. It's so true and those are the best runs. There's a soothing in the repetitive motion, one foot in front of the other. The body builds strength, the mind heals. Today was my first day back on the mountain and while it was slow going, it was a beautiful run. They rerouted the trail in several places, maybe due to all the rain we had this year. I wasn't a fan as it was some of the more difficult parts that they smoothed out and made easier. I like having to work harder to earn my way to the top, but oh well. The body worked, the mind worked, and I'm in an ok place.

There are stars up above
We can start moving forward

I Feel The Love

"I had a dream so big and loud"

                             -American Authors

"I don't like time 

Time is making me old

But I'm doing alright

Cause I will still be young tomorrow"

                             -The Mowgli's 

A few weeks ago I went running on the trail. It was an Autumn day of the most perfect variety. Everything was good. My breathing settled in, my mind wandered... You know, that kind of run. 

And I found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a coworker a few months back. He was asking me what it was about running that made people so addicted to it. And I said because when it's good, it's really good. When you are doing it right, you let your body do its work and your mind is free to unravel problems you didn't think you could resolve or didn't even know you had. And he said I can't ever let my body just do its work, I'm too focused on how miserable I am for my mind to be free to focus on anything else. And I said that means you are going too fast. You need to slow down. 

And as I was remembering this conversation, I slowed down. I noticed the sky, the bunnies, the leaves that were all golden bursts of color on the trees. And heard that clear sweet voice in my head that just said "keep running."  

And I thought about the year I've had. Not an easy one. I turned 40 and I didn't take it particularly well. I spent time thinking a lot about things I missed, things I should have done, things I should have maybe delayed longer than I did. Lots of looking back, and lots of feeling angry and regretful. 

And I was reflecting on all this as I was running and all I kept hearing was "just keep running." 

It was a good run. And as I was on my way back, I was perhaps a quarter mile away from finishing, I came upon this, lying on the ground, face up:

Well, I found the one there on the left, the seven of spades. Now, if you don't know, I read tarot cards. Mostly for fun. And the seven of spades in the tarot deck is the seven of swords, that card there on the right. 

And I realized that I had seen several other cards face down a few yards back, but hadn't recognized them for what they were. I went back and picked them up. As I kept on, finishing my run, I found ten cards. Ten is a significant number in the tarot, it being the exact number of cards in the most common spread, the Celtic cross.  

So I went home and laid it all out and I won't go into any great detail here, but I will say this: the final card, often called the "outcome" was

That is the knight (jack) of cups (hearts). 

Autumn is a time of great power. Summer's green beauty is fading, but even as the leaves turn and fall and the earth prepares for the small death of Winter, this is also the time of great harvests. 

There are lessons to be learned, things worth fighting for and great adventures to be had. And in the powerful and magical season of Autumn, every single thing that has happened in the past, every decision made, every road traveled and not traveled, has happened for a reason and can now be harvested in the form of wisdom gained, strength tested and confidence in your own victory. So you enter Autumn stronger, ready for those next great adventures.  

The Autumn of my life is beginning, and good things are waiting. All I have to do is keep running towards them. 

Something In Common

All my mornings start with the alarm clock
Every dream gets stopped before the end
And with each bit I remember
The more the details run together
And I'm left with a message I don't comprehend
I've lost contact with the great beyond again
- Dawes

This view never fails to inspire me when I take my evening jog. And yet I feel depressed. I think I'm depressed. It's really hard for me to get out of bed these days, and harder still to force myself out on the road. I'm tired of being alone. And I see my boy leaving more every day as he grows more mature and gains his independence, which is his right - he doesn't need his mom relying on him for company. Maybe it's that it stays dark so late in the morning now, and grows dark so early.

Someone will

I'll get drunk enough to tell you how I feel
About the men you love and how they all seem to get the best of you
Cause if I don't say these things you know someone will

If that look in your eyes as I slowly go through the evidence
Gives any insight into the void you can't get filled
Then you heart is bigger than any that I've come up against
And if nobody's loved you enough I know now someone will
- Dawes

This is a great song. Last week wasn't a good one for running - I only went twice. Saturday I just could t seem to get off the couch. Plus it was hot outside. But in back on the proverbial horse. Taking a day trip to Denver today which is quite brutal given the 5am flight, so no running likely today.

Running into the storm

This was my view as I made the turn to head home this evening. I didn't beat the rain home but it was a delicious motivator to run that last half mile.

Until I get to leavin
It's the same old me too
-Miranda Lambert, same old you

Building bridges

How's that bricklayin' coming
How's your engine running
Is that bridge getting built
Are your hands getting filled
- The Head and the Heart, Lost in My Mind

I haven't posted in awhile. Haven't been inspired enough. Either that or just been lazy. But today I had a beautiful run in Peachtree, GA, after a night of thunder and a day of pouring rains.

Is that bridge getting built?  I think so, yes. I believe I have finally stepped out of my own way. I got a good 3 miles in whilst getting a little bit lost, both literally and figuratively. I have half a year left of the balance of 44, and great things are to come. 

"Won't you tell me my brother
'Cause there are stars up above
We can start moving forward"

The Beginning is Always Today

This evening found me sitting in a new gym on a bench, waiting for my appointment with a personal trainer. I had already paid for the session.  I paid for ten sessions, as a matter of fact. Some financial incentive to make myself go. The title of this post was on the wall of the gym over the hallway that lead to the cardio room which is where I desperately wanted to be. Running on the safe treadmill. Instead I was staring into the weight room feeling 90 pounds heavier than I am and like I didn't belong. Feeling like I was going to throw up, chewing my nails and wondering why I had decided to do this.

And I thought to myself what Chris would say when I told him how much anxiety I had before this appointment, and I know he would say that he would have come with me, that we could have done it together. But the thing is, that would not have helped. These fears always have to be faced alone, that's what I've learned. People can lead you to the bridge, and they can greet you on the other side, but you walk that bridge alone.

So I did my appointment. My trainer is awesome. We did things that I was not comfortable with. I moved my body in ways that were unfamiliar. Some I liked and some I did not. Some felt like they could become comfortable someday, some just felt like work. But it all got done.

And it was definitely a case of getting it done was the real victory. Because what I've come to believe over these years of shedding weight and pushing limits is that it is in those moments of fear, those moments of staring into the weight room that seems all too intimidating, of lacing up your shoes to do an unfamiliar run around your neighborhood, of standing outside the running store knowing you need shoes but not wanting to take one step further..... it is in those moments of staring down your fear and looking yourself in the eye, that is when the real change happens. No matter how many miles you pound out or how many pounds you lose, it's those moments that really matter in the end. And every time you do it....every time you are scared and you do it anyway, the person you think you are takes one more step closer to the person you want to be.

Take me to church

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

- Hozier, Take Me To Church

Running connects me with nature, my church.

http://www.runnersworld.com/elite-runners/my-very-brief-retirement-from-running?cid=socMOT_20140807_29304206

I have always felt this way, but I have never seen it articulated the way this guy did. It's why I have such a hard time running on the treadmill I think. Why it feels like such a soul sucking activity. Although I did have another good 3 mile run inside today so I can't complain. Although I will. 

Run baby run

Lace up your shoes (hey-o)
Here's how we do
Run baby run
- We The Kings, Check Yes Juliet

This summer has been such a hard one for running. I only had 38 miles in June and exactly 50 in July (only because I knew I needed exactly 2.5 miles to hit 50 so that's what I struggled through in the treadmill). U e had such bad allergies all summer that I'm wheezing when I run and it feels like I can't get enough oxygen. Add that to the heat and crappy eating and general malaise, and it's a bad summer. But last night I hit the gym even though it's a scheduled day off, simply because I wanted to run. It has been awhile since I felt that. And I had a decent run. And tonight I had the best run I've had in a long time. I felt natural on the treadmill finally and ran 3 without stopping, including inclines! Perseverance is the sharpest arrow in the runners quiver.