I accidentally took a week off

We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive
In such a graceless age
- Sandy

As it turns out, I haven't gone running since last Sunday. For the first time in a long time I packed my running shoes and didn't use them on a business trip. I had a phone call that temporarily threw me Monday night, and I opted to watch the bachelor instead. It was a busy week and I never managed to get to the gym. On weds night I could have, but wine won out. Friday party, Saturday hungover, etc etc. lots of reasons but no excuses. And today it was 5pm before I dragged my ass outta the house and got two sweaty miserable miles on the treadmill. I ended up with 39.5 miles for the month. So now I guess I'm about 35 behind pace. I can't remember ever struggling with summer the way I have this summer. It's just so goddam hot.

I'm Not Lookin' For An Answer, Or Askin' Anyone To Second Guess

Well you  told me all your secrets 

And I filled you up with lies. 

Now I'm living honestly, because i said goodbye 

I can't go home anymore

 I don't wanna find out what I left there for. 

             - Indigo Girls

Our minds can play all kinds of tricks on us, but our bodies never lie. 

         - Anita Johnston "Eating in the Light of the Moon" 

That song has always been my fight song, for as long as I can remember. 

That book I love. I have been re-reading it, trying to read a chapter every morning, although that is harder than I thought it would be since work got kind of busy lately. 

But anyway, the point is the last two weeks have been pretty minimal in the exercise department!! I hurt my back at the beginning of this week and the rest of it, well.... I just haven't gone. My body keeps directing me to other forms of self care. Which I've been going with although today I found myself being pretty hard on myself, although no amount of self berating actually got me to the gym. So I laid down, and thought about this quote in the book and reminded myself that my body doesn't lie. My body is not lazy or stupid. Something is going on and the key is that even though I don't know what it is, I have to trust my body, which DOES NOT LIE. And I have been doing this for too long to fall for my mind's trick of telling me I'm just making excuses. 

So I will take a hot bath. And lie down with a good book. And put off all that needs to be done until tomorrow when, perhaps, I will be of a stronger body to deal with it all. 

A body at rest

Document the world inside your skin
The tenor of your shins
The tembre of your limbs
Now commence to kick each brick apart
Starting with your heart
- Decemberists

This is my new favorite song. I'm beginning, I think. I hope. I was thinking this morning that laziness begets laziness. My job is boring and it permeates every facet of my life. I've gotten quite lazy with my exercise. I watch a lot of tv. I am excited and a little intimidated by a new prospect. A big challenge, a lot of work. I will have to carefully schedule exercise and everything else I want to make time for. It's a good change. It will bring new energy and focus that is needed in my life. So, I ran on the treadmill yesterday, 3.5 miles, and it went surprisingly well. It was another one of those runs where the 2% incline didn't bother me much. I even felt some of the old pleasure I used to get from a good treadmill run. I ended 3 miles at a 10 min pace (just for a few minutes but still). I was out of breath so I had to walk, and I decided to go another half mile. All particularly remarkable after dozing in the couch most of the day. I feel a new energy creeping in. Change is good. Maybe I will even get a Samsung phone and Spotify instead of continuing to buy Apple Music, which I feel I'm the only person in the nation still doing.

You never promised me you were seeing differently

Reaching for my resistance

Nobody sees it at a distance

And I am catchin' up and I am seein' red

How about I throw my weight and raise it overhead?

          CHVRCHES 

I have had just an awful week for running this week! Last week was so good and then this week was shit, for no reason I can point to. My breathing won't settle, my legs feel heavy and tired. I've gone with it, taking it easy and assuming my body is telling me a truth even though I can't see it. So I only have 7 miles so far this week. I know I haven't slept well this week, maybe that's all it is. I haven't slept well because my damn new puppy got neutered and is wearing the big cone, which he doesn't like. So at night he spends time thrashing around his crate and making noise. We can't walk him either, for a week, so he spends his days misbehaving and being a pain in the ass. 

But anyway, hopefully next week will be better. 

Stolen zen

So today I had scheduled my workout for the morning because I have a lunch meeting and a date tonight that I was looking forward to. As I was putting my shoes on, said date cancelled, which sucked, but I decided to go anyway. I got a mile in before yoga. As I was sitting down on my mat and reading an email the teacher says to me "you might want to take your shoes off". I said yes of course, I was running. I've never been to this class so she doesn't know me. She then proceeds to tell the class to put phones away, when I am very obviously the only one there holding a phone. Whatever. She then says also to out your water away and that we shouldn't drink water during yoga because we are trying to build heat. Which is crap because it's always 1000 degrees in there and I always take water breaks. But whatever. I get into child's pose and try to find my zen. After awhile were moving into warrior A and I lift my leg before stepping it through because it gives me an added butt crunch, and strong glutes are the main reason I'm there. And she corrects me in front of the class, saying don't lift your leg, use your core. WTF? What happened to doing what YOU need in your practice??? So I left, like 20 minutes in. I wasn't going to be able to find zen. So mini workout is what I ended up with. Maybe I will go back tonight. Or maybe I will find a happy hour buddy.

A beginning song

I am hopeful, should I be hopeful?
When all around me, all around me
It's the light, bright light, bright light
All around me
- The Decemberists

For the second day in a row I forced my ass to the gym and did three miles on the treadmill. They were generally awful ugly miles, and I wasn't able to hold the incline the way I used to, and they were sweaty and nasty, but they got done. As a wise person once told me I told her - "I know it sucks, now just go do it." I've been avoiding the work with all kinds of gyrations this summer and it's time I got over my f*cking whining and just got down to doing the work. And afterwards, I felt downright GOOD. I felt a light within for the first time in awhile. Maybe I'm leaving this difficult chapter in my life behind. Maybe new doors are opening. Maybe I'll travel, maybe I will fall in love. I'm surrounded by light.

Hot heat rising

You couldn't handle the hot heat rising
Baby I'm so rising
I was running, you were walking
You couldn't keep up, you were falling down 
- Adele - Send My Love 

It's too hot here. Too hot. Too goddamn hot. I quite literally can't take it. Last night I made the relatively poor decision to run outside at about 9:30. PM that is. It was 99 degrees out. I made it a mile and then walked home. I just couldn't force myself to leave the house earlier in the day. Admittedly I was tired and a little hungover.  But still. So then today I had all these plans to run and then do yoga. And my plan went from 3 miles to 2 miles to being late for yoga. So I only did an hour of yoga and I remembered fondly the days when that was considered a decent workout. And then I went to Costco to get food for the minions who have been complaining nonstop about the lack of sustenance in our house. But it's SO HOT people!!!   110 degrees every day and no monsoon relief. I am losing my mind. 

I'm A Hazard To Myself

Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself 

               - Pink

In my neighborhood there is a 200 step incline with a half mile trail back down the little mountain. So I did that three times today, for 600 steps and then ran another mile around this field they have in the same area. Gotta give a shout out to the fitness culture around here.... The entire Denver metro area and surrounding counties are all just resplendent with different ways to work out, and every place I've ever been around here was clearly designed for walkability, always safe and well maintained side walks and often miles and miles of specific biking and walking trails. I've often wondered if I would have been able to maintain a weight loss if we hadn't moved here and the contrast coming from Arizona was and remains striking to me. Then again, in my family and in the culture at large, your weight is solely your responsibility and if you are fat, it is because you are a characteristically flawed person, and it has nothing to do with your environment, your genetics, your culture (familial or otherwise) or anything other than your lack of ability to put your fork down and your running shoes on. So I guess it's not all that surprising that I would find it shocking to live in a place that values infrastructure and public space as a way to encourage the health and fitness of its population. It's just not what I'm accustomed to. I come from a place where you are far more likely to get things thrown at you from moving vehicles when trying to exercise in public spaces than to get a thumbs up or a smile from fellow exercisers. So places like this exist, that's all I'm saying. 

Anyway, so I'm up to 12 miles this week and will probably do four uneventful miles tomorrow. That will put me to 36 for the month, so a good pace. 

I saw a thing on Facebook the other day that said "eat as if you love your body" and damned if I haven't been pondering this endlessly for the past few weeks. I've spent the past several years working on loving myself through food issues, and a lot of that involved recognizing that I am not a terrible person for eating a donut on the way home from work. I'm just a human being, who happened to need a donut that day to feel okay. A lot of it involved recognizing that all I can do is my best and sometimes my best involves allowing food to be the comfort that it inherently is to all human beings, even the ones who insist they always maintain the strictest of control over their weight. It involved a lot of thinking and analyzing and also a lot of trying to understand when to think and analyze and when to just say fuck it and let it go and let myself be. 

But it is undeniable that the sugar that is so comforting to me is hurting me. And I can't seem to figure out how to make the leap to understanding (in my head, my heart, and my body) that not eating sugar is the loving choice. I don't know how to convince a body and a heart that has been consistently comforted by such since birth that they must acquiesce to my head, which stores numbers like calories and grams of sugar and A1c readings. That such acquiescence is not a denial or a refusal to care for my heart and my soul, but a loving and gentle attempt to care for my body which houses all of it. 

I found myself today thinking these thoughts and picturing myself saying them to a counselor or a dietician and I laughed out loud. Their tools are so blunt, and so stupid. I know I would get nothing more than a blank look before they resumed their advice on brown rice instead of white, limit your alcohol intake, and take the stairs at work!!

So if anyone has any advice (on my actual problem, which doesn't actually involve a lack of knowledge on my part as to which rice to choose) feel free to share it, because it sure beats the hell or of me how to solve this fix I'm in. 

Here's a pic I pulled off of google of the little incline I did today. I also ran into a deer twice, but couldn't get a pic because my phone camera had all kinds of sweat condensation, which is also why I couldn't take my own pic of the stairs. 

No apologies

You think I'll apologize for things I left behind
But you got it wrong
- Chvrches

So after my first good treadmill run in a very long time, I opted for the treadmill again tonight and paid the price. I forgot my inhaler, I think that's the problem. I couldn't catch my breath on the 2% incline but struggled through, and then it still wasn't better on the 1% so I got off after half a mile and went to the track. And still was out of breath so I did a half mile and called it quits. This summer stinks.

We ain't kids no more

I'm giving you up

I've forgiven it all

You set me free

Send my love to your new lover

Treat her better

 - Adele 

I had a remarkably good 3 mile run on the treadmill at the gym today. I did my 2,1,0 inclines respectively, which I haven't done in awhile, and I really only suffered on the last mile. This after a miserable experience at the  M-tt hotel in LA where the gym was very unfortunately place right beside the indoor pool with only a half wall separating them and a humid greenhouse effect from the ceiling of windows. Also I forgot socks so I was wearing these little mini socks that go with flats. And I forgot spare underwear. So it was most definitely not good times. 

Take Care To Tell It Just As It Was

There are tiny cracks of light underneath me
And you say I got it wrong
But I tried hard to uncover them

       -CHVRCHES 

Again for my sis, always the digger. Digging for truth, digging for lies, digging for the cracks of light and the crevasse full of dark. 

 I went three days without working out and finally forced myself to go today. I ran three miles and did 30 floors, because sandy and I are apparently doing some 1000 step, 4.5 mile monstrosity race in October. And I felt better, as I knew I would. I've been sad this week and weary for no reason and all the reasons and nothing worth expending the energy to discuss, even if it hadn't all been said before. 

So I'll just leave this poem here, a reminder that I only need to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves. 

What I can't feel, I surely cannot see

Oh yes I'm touched by this show of emotion
Should I be fractured by your lack of devotion?
Should I?

SHOULD I???

      - Tina Turner

I haven't been blogging. Sometimes this blog feels like some extended "after" picture, where I'm constantly expected to show what a good moral person I am by my continued fitness and weight maintenance and I really hate that. I don't owe you an after picture. And I tried writing a post about that and it was just too exhausting and then I got irritated at that too. I don't owe you an explanation or any insight into my heart or mind. Other people better than me have written brilliant things about being a fat woman and about not being a fat woman and about why body size is not a moral issue and why health is not a moral obligation. Go read them. Or don't. I don't care. 

I got in nine miles this week. Lower mileage due to general malaise at the beginning of the week and a challenging nine mile hike yesterday. It was pretty though. 

Forgiveness

There are people in your life who've come and gone,
They let you down, you know they've hurt your pride.
You better put it all behind you cause life goes on.
If you keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
- Don Henley

I did a bitch of a yoga class today, after 1.5 mile run. Because I didn't get there in time for my original planned three, or my plan B two. I had some lollygagging to do, folding laundry, pedicure, and general fucking around. But I got back to the gym after my week up north and it was good. This song was running through my head throughout yoga and my run (yes I forgot my headphones) and it seems appropriate for my mindset.

Seven

And I saw an angel come down unto me

In her hand she holds the very key

Words of compassion, words of peace

And in the distance an army's marching feet 

 - Prince

I cried a lot today. Freedom is not just given, it must be fought for. I have engaged in battle and stopped running away. I mean I did run today, and thought on healing. Three miles around the lake. I have to say I miss my running buddy. Life changes and we must grow and adapt, or risk stagnation. I took her for a two mile consolation walk and cried the whole way. But I am in my healing place. The place where we both are our best selves. 

Closer to fine

I wrap my fear around my like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety til I sank it
- Indigo Girls

I ran a good half of my 3 mile route with this song on repeat (thanks Neice for the inspiration!) What an awesome song. I had my best run since I've been at high altitude this week. I think I've adjusted a little so was able to push myself a bit. I've had a wonderful, fun-filled and introspective independence week. I hope I leave with the freedom I seek.

When you're done with this world

You know The next is up to you
And his wife told his kids he was crazy
And his friends said he'd fail if he tried
But with the will to work hard
and a library card
He took a homemade, fan blade, one man submarine ride
- John Mayer

This is a cute little ditty I found in my iTunes today. I think fat dog is done with the running world. I snuck out without her yesterday for a relatively lame 3 miles but today I decided to give her another shot. She laid down in the trail not even a mile in. It was quite sad. She doesn't limp or anything she just Looks worn out. So I tied her up to a bench at the lake while I did my lap around and then we walked home. She didn't even want to walk and I thought I might have to carry her. Anyway, that's 9 miles this week. I will probably get 15. I've gotta slowly work off this deficit.

Always a woman

She can cure with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me
- Billy Joel

I did 3 miles yesterday in higher altitude and fat dog just sat down in the middle and refused to budge. I'm worried about her. We walked home but I'm still taking credit for three. And I guess I won't take her anymore. She's an old lady now, as much as I try to resist that idea for both of us.

Oh she takes care of herself
She can win if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh and she never gives up
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

All my tragedies

You're gonna burn like the sun
When my flames come raining down
I will avenge the storm
- New politics

I went running last night at 9pm. It was 91 degrees but felt much cooler due to the absence of sun. All this to avoid running on the treadmill. I did yoga last night and no miles. It's been so difficult to get myself out of the house. Let's be honest it's fucking hot. Stepping outside is like stepping into an oven. So I got 25 miles and 18 days in June. It felt like a better month than that even though I knew I didn't have the miles, I did a lot of non-running exercise that quite frankly I liked more than running.