The Beginning is Always Today

This evening found me sitting in a new gym on a bench, waiting for my appointment with a personal trainer. I had already paid for the session.  I paid for ten sessions, as a matter of fact. Some financial incentive to make myself go. The title of this post was on the wall of the gym over the hallway that lead to the cardio room which is where I desperately wanted to be. Running on the safe treadmill. Instead I was staring into the weight room feeling 90 pounds heavier than I am and like I didn't belong. Feeling like I was going to throw up, chewing my nails and wondering why I had decided to do this.

And I thought to myself what Chris would say when I told him how much anxiety I had before this appointment, and I know he would say that he would have come with me, that we could have done it together. But the thing is, that would not have helped. These fears always have to be faced alone, that's what I've learned. People can lead you to the bridge, and they can greet you on the other side, but you walk that bridge alone.

So I did my appointment. My trainer is awesome. We did things that I was not comfortable with. I moved my body in ways that were unfamiliar. Some I liked and some I did not. Some felt like they could become comfortable someday, some just felt like work. But it all got done.

And it was definitely a case of getting it done was the real victory. Because what I've come to believe over these years of shedding weight and pushing limits is that it is in those moments of fear, those moments of staring into the weight room that seems all too intimidating, of lacing up your shoes to do an unfamiliar run around your neighborhood, of standing outside the running store knowing you need shoes but not wanting to take one step further..... it is in those moments of staring down your fear and looking yourself in the eye, that is when the real change happens. No matter how many miles you pound out or how many pounds you lose, it's those moments that really matter in the end. And every time you do it....every time you are scared and you do it anyway, the person you think you are takes one more step closer to the person you want to be.

Take me to church

If I'm a pagan of the good times
My lover's the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

- Hozier, Take Me To Church

Running connects me with nature, my church.

http://www.runnersworld.com/elite-runners/my-very-brief-retirement-from-running?cid=socMOT_20140807_29304206

I have always felt this way, but I have never seen it articulated the way this guy did. It's why I have such a hard time running on the treadmill I think. Why it feels like such a soul sucking activity. Although I did have another good 3 mile run inside today so I can't complain. Although I will. 

Run baby run

Lace up your shoes (hey-o)
Here's how we do
Run baby run
- We The Kings, Check Yes Juliet

This summer has been such a hard one for running. I only had 38 miles in June and exactly 50 in July (only because I knew I needed exactly 2.5 miles to hit 50 so that's what I struggled through in the treadmill). U e had such bad allergies all summer that I'm wheezing when I run and it feels like I can't get enough oxygen. Add that to the heat and crappy eating and general malaise, and it's a bad summer. But last night I hit the gym even though it's a scheduled day off, simply because I wanted to run. It has been awhile since I felt that. And I had a decent run. And tonight I had the best run I've had in a long time. I felt natural on the treadmill finally and ran 3 without stopping, including inclines! Perseverance is the sharpest arrow in the runners quiver.