I had a dream the other night

About how we only get one life.

                                  - One Republic

I woke up from a dream, wrote it down but still couldn't stop crying, so I gave it up, got up, made coffee and decided to put it down here.

I was with my mom at my grandmother's house, she had apparently just passed away. Everything was covered in yarn, like she had been knitting cozies for everything and we were kind of laughing about how it was like Christmas, everything was a present. I could pick something to keep, so I pushed this thing that felt like a rock out of it's yarn cover, and it was a big piece of glass with all kinds of blue colors in it. My mom said something about where Grandma got it, but I don't remember that part now. At any rate, I was looking around and I saw these pictures and I ask about them. My mom points to one and says it is of her uncles, and as she points to it, the picture starts moving, like a home video recording.

And it's a video of my great grandmother, and she's pulling my great uncle, who is a toddler, out of the irrigation ditch in which he drowned (which is a true story). Her other children are all there, and as she is arranging his little body for burial, she is fussing a bit with his clothing and her other children are sort of fussing at her, complaining or criticizing and she says "Stop. In the future, you will not remember me as a woman doting on small details. You will remember that years were taken from the life of this boy I loved." And she puts blankets into this box that he is going to be buried in, and at that point the movie stops. My mom tells me that years later his remains came up in a flood, and someone reinterred his bones under a tree on the property. She implies it was my great grandmother herself, but we don't know for sure.

I say that is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen and mom says something like "even back then  only if you were rich could you afford your privacy." They were not rich.

My foremothers overcame hardships and great tragedies. They were never rich, we didn't come from money. They visit me to admonish me not to remember them as women who fussed over small details, but as women who lived in the best way they knew how... in the space between the lives mandated for them and the choices they made. Women who endured and whose love, hate, anger, happiness and tragedies have shaped my own.

According to some, they should have been extraordinary. And if they were not, if they could not overcome the lives dictated to them, then they are solely responsible for their choices and have no right to be angry.

But I disagree.

Most of us are not extraordinary. Most of us live in between... in the gray area between what we are born into and the choices we make and we all do our best.

They visit me to remind me that my choices are not so limited or my tragedies so great. And yet, I feel their energy as positive. They smile on me and my sisters. "You are not the first" they say, "and you won't be the last to struggle against the ties that bind you."

They visit me to remind me that I come from tough stock.... and we have our own brand of royalty in my family.

8.7 mile weekend

> Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus. I think for a second, you took on the shape of a unicorn.
> - Stepbrothers
>
> K and I did Pats Run together on Saturday - 4.2 miles at 7am, and we ran the whole way. I had my best time ever in a Pats Run, most likely because the prospect of being left behind by my 17-yr-old daughter was so untenable that it was a great motivator. Pain avoidance tends to be a strong motivator for me. I ran behind a lady in a cape for awhile and found myself wishing I had thought to wear mine. We had an awesome time at the expo - lots of free stuff! I anticipate the race pics will depict my strenuous effort to catch K and cross the finish line at the same time as her. So then last night I got a massage thanks to a gift cert from my boss, and it hurt so good. Lately when I run, my left glut is so tight that I can feel it pull when I step with my left foot. The massage lady said I have buns of steel. Seriously, she said my left butt felt like marble or concrete. And it felt amazing when I left. But then I went and ran the mountain this afternoon and now it aches again. I had a fabulous run though, my left leg felt so free and loose and I felt strong. Alas, now I'm aching on the couch watching Stepbrothers with J (one of the best movies of all time) and preaching the eminent failure of the Taco Bell breakfast menu (they strayed too far from their core competency - waffles?? How about breakfast burritos people??). The moral here is I need a regular butt massage. Apparently this is 44.

We all run for something

I got my mind made up and I can't let go.
I'm killing every second 'til it saves my soul.
I'll be running, I'll be running,
'til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out.

                                      - One Republic


I seriously have nothing to say for this post, I only wanted to quote this song. I did six miles on the elliptical today and 11 miles of other running this week. I totaled up my miles for the year and I'm only at 171.... which I suppose I COULD look at negatively in that I am WAY off pace for a 600 mile year. Or, I could look at it like I really don't give a rat's fart in a high wind, which is mostly how I feel. 

My point is, I am feeling better, I'm running outside (today it was all cold and rainy and even snowed for a bit) and all seems to be aligning right. 

Rough times are ahead... I feel it and the cards keep coming up swords. But running is the light I carry with me.... we all run for something.

4.4

Baby you're worth it
- Justin Timberlake

I did 4.4 this morning in honor of my 44th. This will be a symmetrical year, things back in balance. I listened to my radio show so I could hear second-date-update and also to hear JT tell me I'm worth it. I had so many well wishers on my mountain run this morning - flying in a cloud around my head and clinging to my arms and legs. They coagulated on my legs at the top in celebration of a job well done. Yep, it's fly season apparently, which marks my last mountain run for the season. I was able to outrun them most of the way down. Saw some interesting things this morning too - a shirtless guy with full mosquito net around his head. That was funny. Also a lady wearing a black tshirt that said "wicked" and wearing a big black floppy sun hat. Apparently her broom couldn't get her up the mountain. Got back to my car to many well wishers of the human variety. I'm truly blessed in this life.

Burning Bridges

I, I keep on running
I'm building bridges that I know you never wanted
Look for my heart
You stole it away
Now I'll never sing the road that I could take
Listen, I want you to burn my bridges down
- One Republic

Burning bridges was an appropriate theme at the gym tonight, when it has officially become too hot to run outside after work, when it's the last day I can put 43 as my age in the treadmill, when I'm on the road to endless possibilities.

Something I Need

Last night I think I drank too much
Call it a temporary crutch
With broken words I tried to say
Honey don't you be afraid
If we got nothing we got us

In this world full of people, there's one killing me
- One Republic

Now THIS, this is a great song and also a great running song. And also a great driving to Globe song. It is always quite an Easter miracle when I get out for a run after the annual family festivus, but I did today. I only went 3 but I was grateful I did any at all, even though running woke up my digestive system after all the quality foods I ingested. At least I worked some of it off. Yesterday turned into an awesome lacrosse shopping dinner movie easter basket frenzy so I didn't get out. In fact, I've been so busy with work and social stuff these last few days, I haven't gone since Wednesday. So here's to the start of a great week.

Peace

Ooohh hold me now
Whoooah warm my heart (oh my cold and tired heart)
Stay with me (ooooooooohh stay with me!)
Let loving start, let lovin start
- Thompson Twins

This quote is in honor of my blista sista sitting in a bar in San Antonio with her hubby that is retro enough to play the Thompson Twins, which coincidentally was the first tape I ever bought along with whomever it was that sang Sister Christian. It must have been a windfall for me - either my first McDonalds paycheck or stolen church fundraising money, the payback of which caused the McDonalds job in the first place. In any case, I got a good giggle out of her update. I write this post sitting on a worn bench in my front yard, drinking a glass of wine as the sun sets on my peaceful neighborhood. Peace has been rather elusive lately, even as I run my miles in pursuit of it. Sometimes a glass of wine in the cool breeze chatting with neighbors walking dogs does wonders. I am resolved to resurrect this bench as my Easter project this weekend. The Easter egg hunt is crucial this year given the break of Ks winning streak last year (despite the fact that she found an egg in October that she insisted should count). So the yard must be in perfect and peaceful condition. I so love our little family traditions. Oh and yes, I did my 3.5 neighborhood route this morning and yesterday morning. It's been lovely in the mornings here. This morning instead of my music I listened to my morning show segment called hump day dump day. It's much more illuminating than my music lately.

You ask if I love you
What can I say?
You know that I do and that this is just one of those games that we play

Dark side of the mountain

Oh lady, running down to the riptide,
taken away to the dark side
- Vance Joy, Riptide

Sometimes the defining moment in a run comes in the first quarter mile, and that was the case today. I was grumbling in my head about how crowded the mountain trail was, although it was a gorgeous morning- mid 70's and a little breeze blowing. I caught a toe and full out fell in front of about 10 people. Of course I bounced back up and kept running, and the people averted their eyes except for the last couple, who inquired if I was ok. After I was in the clear I stopped to assess the damage - road rash on one knee and palm, and a broken thumbnail. And now my other knee is the one that hurts. I did the mountain yesterday too, and it was tough, so maybe I was just fatigued. You have to do the mountain regularly or she will chew you up and spit you out. Anyway, I kept going and my ankle collapsed pretty badly on the way down, but I didn't fall. And then I did fall again, right in front of some guy who actually caught my arm. Ugh. So I gave up and walked the rest of the way lest I not survive this run. Anyway, Riptide is a great song to bop along to.

Anything could happen

Letting darkness grow
As if we need its palette and we need its colour
But now I've seen it through
And now I know the truth
That anything could happen
- Ellie Goulding

This is a great song to run to. A great song in general. Running has been going relatively well. I got 51 miles in last month despite the evil lingering cold and a week long trip to Atlanta. I've been running outside but it's getting hot in the AZ. I have to get back to the mountain before it gets too late. My runs have been somewhat tedious, like I've gained weight but I know I haven't. So I think maybe it's because I haven't done the tougher mountain workout. Being a Lax mom is taking up my Saturdays and goddess knows I can't get out before 10. But anyhoo, it's going well.

Go call the po-lice! Go call the Guvenah!

You wanna hot body
You wanna Bugatti
You wanna Maserati
You better work bitch
You wanna Lamborghini
Sip Martinis
Look hot in a bikini
You better work bitch
You wanna live fancy
Live in a big mansion
Party in France

You better work bitch 

                       - Britney

I ran four miles on Sunday OUTSIDE and three miles today OUTSIDE!!! THREE CHEERS FOR OUTSIDE!!!  Things I saw:

- kids playing on lawns that are turning green (the lawns, not the kids)

- a baseball player practicing his pitch

- dogs dogs everywhere dogs

- runners runners everywhere runners

- a blue bird

- people aerating their lawns

It's good. It's all good.