All the ways that you think you know me
All the limits that you figured out
I had to learn to keep it all below me
Just to keep from being thrown around
- Christina Aguilera, We Remain

With every run I get stronger. Running is healing. 3.5 today.

I was there

And maybe we got lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece
Till you tore it all up
Running scared
I was there, I remember it all too well
- Taylor Swift, All Too Well

Quoted in homage to T Swizzle who performed this song beautifully at the Grammys on Sunday. Gorgeous song. My runs this week have been difficult. Legs feeling like they weigh 100 pounds each. I did go to the gym on Sunday after my almost-half-marathon-hike (it's easier to reconcile how sore I was Sunday when I think of it that way) and did a slow 2 on the treadmill as an excuse for a long soak in the hot tub. The gym felt really empty. Anyhoo, I did 3.5 yesterday and it was tough. Then again today and still tough even after a pit stop in the park. See that tiny point far back in the middle of the picture? That's Toms Thumb. I was there. My body remembers it all too well.

My private life is an inside joke

I was dressed in white, touched by something pure
Death obsessed like a teenager
Sold my tortured youth, piss and vinegar
I'm still angry with no reason to be

                                      Shell Games, Bright Eyes



I haven't had a good run in so long, I'm beginning to forget what they feel like. I'm running... and it's okay, but it just feels mostly like slogging along. My breathing won't settle, my legs feel heavy and I can't find any explanation for it. It feels like I'm getting sick, but it's been this way for weeks, since the start of the new year. 

In the next few weeks/months I have a whole ton of travel too, so it's going to be lots of treadmills and meals out... God help me.

I'm at 57 miles so far for January.

Long day

It may be better to move on,
and to let life just carry on,
And I may be wrong.
But still, I'll try.
'Cause it's better to love whether you win or lose or die
- Airborne Toxic Event, The Graveyard Near The House

I could say this was a good week, because I got 19 miles in. Or I could say it was a bad week, cause I only went three times. I had work peeps in town with the requisite dinners, etc. but this morning I went on a 12 mile hike up to Toms Thumb. It was gorgeous and difficult - about 2100 foot gain in elevation. The rock formations were incredible. The first part of the hike went poorly. I bought a camelbak last night specifically for this purpose, and the damn think leaked all over me so my shorts were soaking wet. I finally ended up carrying it and drinking all the water, figuring it's better to drink it quickly than wear it. So I was out of water halfway up. But we left at 8 and it was a very cool morning so I wasn't too worried. The last 2 miles up were real butt burners. In fact my butt is aching right now on the couch. I ran the first couple miles down but my legs were really achy. I started getting nautious, which I know is a sign of dehydration. Also I had only eaten 3 small granola bars and didn't want to eat anymore because I was out of water. And I was afraid of waking my digestive system. So the last part of the hike didn't go well either. It was totally worth it though and I will go again and be better prepared. It took 4.5 hours to do the 12-mile round trip. THEN, as much as I wanted to curl up on the couch, I went home, showered and took my Casa kids ice skating. So it's been a long day, long week. But I am grateful for a beautiful morning.

wide open

The future was wide open
- Tom Petty

One of the things about hitting the "reset" button on your life is you have the opportunity to re-invent yourself, and decide who you want to be.  This song isn't even on my iPod but it randomly popped into my head on my run today.  I've hit reset on many aspects of my life over the last 18 months.  Reinvention is exhausting and frightening, but it can also be exhilarating.  I can't even express how wonderful it is to be home when my kids get home most days, and the gift of having them come into my office to chat about their days.  With K graduating in May and heading off to college in the fall, this time is so precious.  Priceless.  And I have this gift because I've reinvented my career, right in the middle of it, which was very scary.  But the rewards have been great.  So when I get wrapped up in fear and sadness, I am trying focus on the positive aspects of change - the sky truly is the limit.  These were the things I contemplated on my 3.5 miles today, which were unusually difficult.  My legs felt like they weighed 100 lbs each.  They were so achy last night after my mountain run that it was hard to sleep.  Today I am grateful for the universe showing me a silver lining. 

Now I'm down in all my fears
but I ain't cryin no tears
- The Goo Goo Dolls, Two Days in February

Hot

All she wants is a funky rockin' rolla
She knows she's got the look
That's why she gives the cold shoulder
She keeps it hot even in December
This ain't about the weather
- new politics, give me hope

I ran into several people I knew on the mountain this morning which was a bit odd since I rarely see anyone and today I saw 3 separate people. A couple were from my old job, and it was nice to see them. Thank goodness I was running. I had a decent run this morning which was quite necessary given the steak and wine and ice cream I had last night. A great week of running - 19.5 miles! My legs are strong but my arm is actually stiff from holding my friends 7 pound baby this week. It's a slippery slope past 40 my friends.

Believe

Should I believe in the world momma
Should I give up and hide or should I stay and fight
Should I believe in the rules momma
- New Politics, tonight you're perfect

This is a cute song that my girl shared with me because it reminds her of me and that makes me smile. Today's run was kinda fawffle. I should have taken note of the epic run by Bad Haircut after having eaten waffles for breakfast, but alas I prefer to learn the hard lessons myself. So running after waffles is not a good idea, for the record, and it requires a pit stop in the park. I did get 3.5 miles in even after joggus interruptis. It wasn't a great run but it got the job done even though it made me late for my lunch date. If I'm being honest I would have been late anyway. It's how I roll. I made a Mexican fiesta to watch the ASU/UA basketball game tonight and am now couch ridden in a semi-food-coma, having ruined all the benefits of my running efforts. Which is just as well given the score. Tonight I'm grateful for my awesome job that allows me to go for a run at 930 in the morning and for my amazing and funny daughter.

500 miles

If you miss the train I'm on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow
A hundred miles
- Justin Timberlake et al, 500 miles

A nod to our 2013 accomplishment there. I asked J who he thinks sings this song, and his first guess was me, LOL! Then he guessed someone in my family. So I agreed its grandpa. But really it's a gentle little ditty from Inside Llewin Davis, an otherwise awfully boring movie, but the music was great. And this is JT like you've never heard him. Jman was quite surprised. Anyway, I was due a good run tonight and was happy I got out there after work (I do pretend to work sometimes). I got in a good fast 3.5, although bear in mind that fast in my world doesn't qualify me for "all levels" still, so it was probably an 11 minute pace. But I felt better than I have since I got my NYE cold.

Hanging on for hope

Are you hanging on for hope? It's all you've got worth living for. Is it much too much to cope the road out? There's a tension when we speak. The income's overrated but it's worth it when we meet on common ground.
- New Amsterdams

I have to say things didn't go well on the mountain today even though I did see a pair of adorable chipmunks and stopped to chat with them at which point I wondered if other people talk to animals the way I do. I'm not sure they do. I hung on and I walked more than I would have preferred but I got to enjoy some sights that I don't normally take the time to appreciate. Then I went on a movie date with my babies to see Sole Survivor, which was really a Great War movie and I don't normally like war movies. Now K and I are watching the Golden Globes and I am flabbergasted that Meryl didn't win for August Osage County and I'm not normally a fan of hers but she was incredible in that. Equally flabbergasted that Her is even nominated, much less just won for best screenplay. Wtf. My blista sista and I are going to investigate that mystery next weekend. I will close tonight with a quote from Amy Adams who upset Meryl because it touched my heart:

Thank you so much for teaching me to accept joy and let go of fear.

Until the night falls, we're the only ones left

I'm in misery where you can seem as old as your omens
And the mother we share will never keep your proud head from falling
The way is long but you can make it easy on me
And the mother we share will never keep our cold hearts from calling

                                            -CHVRCHES

Got 15 miles in this week, including four outside, which always feels like a bit of a miracle in January. This song... I can't stop listening to this song. On repeat, over and over again, although I have to be careful of it when I'm actually running, it's one of those songs that can cause inexplicable crying.

Over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
- Colin Haye, I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You

I listened to this song a couple times on my run this evening - it's haunting and yet strangely soothing. "I shook the hand of time and I knew." I've had this freaking chest cold since NYE and I'm so over it already, but it just keeps hanging on. I felt like hell this morning. K and I ran some errands and then had greasy bar food for lunch, because for some reason she thinks Zipps has the greatest food in the world. And we both spent the afternoon regretting it, if you know what I mean. Alas, I did drag my ass out for 3.5 miles after being negligent and disorganized and perhaps a bit lazy the last two days. I felt okay but I still had the lung burn and coughing fits afterwards. Last week I was talking about how much joy it brings me to see J so dedicated to healthy boy activities. It's funny how life keeps us in line.

And the whole wide world is whistlin'

'Cause it's your heart
It's alive
It's pumpin' blood

                          - NONONO

This is my favorite running song lately. 2014 has gotten off to a rather inauspicious start, I'm afraid to report.  I truly believe I've been fighting off the cold that everyone else has been down for the count with. I was taking Zicam all week, and I never got truly sick, but I was worn down and just could not, for the life of me, run the miles I wanted to run!

So, I listened to my body, toned it down and took it sort of easy. I still got my 13 miles in, but no inclines because that made my chest hurt. I followed my rules for the most part (for one run I couldn't do under the 12 minute miles that I told myself I had to do if I was on a treadmill with no incline), but all is well... I really wasn't feeling too good at all. I finally had what I would consider to be a normal run on Sunday, meaning I went four miles without wanting to fall over and die and even had somewhat of a good time.

I must say, I think the rest of the world must be too sick to be trying out their new year's resolutions either, because the gym has been not at all crowded with the usual people who piss me off in January. And all of my miles were at the gym, since the weather here has been completely and utterly un-runnable.

Mad world

I find it kinda funny and
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
- Mad World, Tears for Fears

I saw these words written on a bathroom wall when I was a senior in high school. I had just transferred to a big Tucson high school from my sheltered small town world and I remember thinking wow, here is someone who feels worse than I do. It wasn't until years later that I realized these are lyrics to an awesome poignant song. The words have stayed with me and are now seeing somewhat of a resurgence in an gorgeous acoustic piano remake of the old song. I slept in so late today, my boy got up before me. And then I went to the mountain. I didn't run too much as I didn't want to push too hard. I felt tired but ok. I declare myself well. And now I'm watching this freezing cold football game from the safety of my couch and blanket. I fail to understand why these players refuse to wear long sleeves in this weather. Is it a statement on toughness?

Victim of unpreparedness

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don't get me wrong
- Billly Joel, My Life

This is the random brilliance that pops up when I hit shuffle on the iPod. I seem to remember this as the theme song to some cheesy 80's sitcom - Tootsie? After living in a steady diet of NyQuil and Mac and cheese, I finally got off the couch this afternoon and said f it, I'm going. It's been beautiful sunny days outside while the rest of the country freezes and I was anxious to get out but I tell you it was rough - lungs burning and spewing, snot blowing. J has been coming home exhausted, beat up and bloodied from the manual labor of building bike jumps on a construction lot. Thinking of him as I run, how happy it makes me that he throws himself with such fervor into his boyish things. That's it little man, save the man things for big men, at least for a while longer. And there he is, waving both hands over his head to get the attention of mom slogging by the park. Here he comes pedaling furiously over to say hi, oblivious to the friend he's left behind, clear blue eyes sparkling in the setting sun. What's for dinner, he wants to know. I love you he says. I trudge on. I made it two victorious miles. Now for a shower and grocery store to get food for the boy. Back to the human race.