1000 posts and feral feces

When it was brought to my attention that this would in fact be the one thousandth post on our infamous little blog, I must say I felt some pressure.  There are beads of sweat on my forehead as we speak. I think the funniest event in the history of this blog has never been written, and perhaps there is no more appropriate time than the present. 

Our story begins in Denver, Colorado, in October of 2010.  Three bright shiny blista sistas were up and out of the house in the dark pre-dawn hour and driving with anticipation towards the start line of the Denver Rock n Roll half marathon.  All preparations had been made for healthy breakfasts, hydration, and energy drinks.  As the sun peeked over the horizon, the three blistas headed towards the porta pottys for final race preparations.  Sista 1 emerged victorious, having eliminated the need for lengthy porta potty stops along the course, and fell in with the crowd to wait for the others.  Sista 2 suddenly burst from a porta potty, limbs flailing and shrieking, "there was POO on the seat!!  POO ON THE SEAT!!!  I got poo on my hand!!  POO ON MY HAND!!!!"  The crowd parted like the red sea to make way for the obviously crazy lady flinging a poo laden hand haphazardly through the air.  Sista 1 was confused, thinking that sista 2 had gone in right after her, but that couldn't possibly be the case given this recent development.  Unless . . . hmmmm . . . No.  Couldn't be.  She was much more careful than that.  Nonetheless, Sista 1 shrank back into the crowd to avoid any association with the obviously crazy poo flinging lady until they were a safe distance from the porta pottys.  Sista 3, meanwhile, had come to the rescue and was consoling Sista 2 through dry heaves and hysteria, while Sista 1 walked silently along with them, and then volunteered, as if hoping to help the situation, "well, if it helps, I think it was probably my poo," to which Sista 2 shrieked "IT WAS YOUUUUUUU I KNEW IT!!!!  EWWWWWW!!"  Sista 2 replied with the obvious, "who doesn't look at the seat in a porta potty before they use it??"  Sista 1 continued with sad efforts to wipe her hand on the grass and ground, weeping, searching unsuccessfully for somewhere to wash her hands or even for antibacterial gel, both of which proved elusive.  And that was just the beginning of the difficult day for Sista 2, who managed to lose her ipod on one of several subsequent porta potty stops along the course (or did it defect, given its filthy circumstances?).  Alas, that was the last race the sistas have done together, perhaps having been undone by an errant poo.

Today I did my 3 mile route to the gym, which is a good thing because I had to stop in and use the facilities before I ran (walked) home. 

A mockery was made today

Of my handy dandy water bottle holder.  Bf and I did a 5 mi hike which involved a little running and mostly walking.  Much consternation has gone into determining the length of said hike, by the way, by us and others on the trail (overheard talking on the phone today).  The trail map pegs it at about 4 miles but we are adamant that it's 5, and my eavesdropping today confirmed that others believe so as well.  So it's a 5 mi hike we did today.  But I digress.  A mockery was made of my handy dandy water bottle holder, which conveniently buckles around my waist and holds a bottle on my back.  Much commentary was also offered on the chuck-and-jive motion of said bottle as determined by the swing in my step.  However, for 5 miles, my hands were free to gesticulate wildly in relationship to whatever point I was trying to make in our conversation, likely having to do with the convenience and style of the handy dandy water bottle holder.  So, I am requesting a retraction of said mockery, much as I withdrew mockery of a disadvantaged teenager in a wheelchair last weekend once I realized she was, in fact, in a wheelchair.  And as I withdrew mockery of our ihop hostess this morning once it was brought to my attention that she has special needs.  So.  I'm waiting. 


Btw, I did 2 miles on Thurs but it was too boring to blog about. 

MTL Playlist #2

You can take my urn to Fenway spread my ashes all about
Or you can bring me down to Wolly Beach
And dump the sucker out
 -Dropkick Murphys

So I ran 5.75 miles today.  I started out running East, which is something I don't like to do because it is uphill.  But after slogging through that first mile, the rest of it was OK.  It was 39 degrees which is the absolute bottom of my "OK to run outside" range.  I've run when it is colder and it hasn't been OK, so I feel pretty sure that this is the number.

In more important news, I am officially adding "Going Out In Style" by the Dropkick Murphys to the Montreal playlist.  I've never been to an Irish wake, but I'm pretty sure I know exactly what it's like after listening to this song.  I give this song my highest recommendation for a running playlist - check it out. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7g3RuoreRc

There are better bands than this, but probably none that have better achieved what they wanted.  These guys are sports fans from Boston and they are now royalty at Red Sox and Bruins games.  The people who like them really like them, but no one else cares.  This pretty much sums up what I want out of my professional life - I want a small group of people to like me a lot (and pay me) and everyone else to leave me alone.  And I want a lot of perks - access to sporting events and the like.  Where do I get one of those What Would The Dropkick Murphys Do bracelets??

The worst is over

The worst part is over,
Now, get back on that horse and ride.

-The Shins

One thing that I really do like about running is the internal monologue that goes through my head.  Today as I ran the first half of my run I was thinking about how difficult the run was and how my hips didn't seem to be functioning correctly and so I was sort of only running from the knees down.  Then I got to the halfway point and I thought "I've got to have something better than this to blog about".  I thought I could blog about my car troubles this week and the weird conversations I had with mechanics or the Costanza techniques one of my now former employees used to try to avoid the inevitable, but then it came to me.  I'm going to blog about having a good run, no matter how crappy this first half has been.

I recently watched the ESPN 30 for 30 about Ricky Williams.  They asked him if he blamed someone for an event in his life and he said "if you blame someone else you give away the power to fix it".  Wow - Hunter S. Runningback is right.  I'm going to take control of this run and extend it if I have to make it good.  So I ran 4.5 instead of 4, which was surprisingly enough for me to feel good about it.  And my hips started to work - mind over matter.

And yes, I'm pretty sure there will be a song from The Shins on my final playlist.  I accidently saw them live (I was at a Blue Jays game last summer with some friends and all of sudden everyone got up in the 8th and we were off to a concert) which I enjoyed and the video for "Australia" seems to have magical powers to cheer up my children when they are otherwise inconsolable.  Works for me.

Family Day

Today is Family Day in Ontario.  A completely made up holiday that one of the 8 or 12 political parties promised in order to get elected a few years ago.  I don't know how many years ago, since elections can be called at any time.  There have been a bunch in the past five years.  On the plus side, the whole process is limited to 6 weeks, which makes it much easier to tolerate.  It's also a lot of fun telling the people who come door-to-door that they don't have to waste their time since I'm not eligible to vote.  And then telling them that it is either because I'm a convicted felon or an American - and watching them decide which is worse.

Anyway - I celebrated my holiday by running 4.5 miles.  Didn't hurt too much.  Didn't run on Friday, but I did go to Chuck E Cheese.  Also ate pizza directly after my run today.  That reminds me, there are leftovers in the fridge.

5 Times

Yep.  FIVE TIMES fat dog stopped to poo on Sat when I did my 3 mi route.  So she wasn't invited today when I did my 3.5 mi route.  Its been a gorgeous weekend and I spent today meditating on the great presidents of American past.  Or not. 

MTL Playlist Update - Part 1 of ????

The goalie starts between the pipes, go touch him and you'll be fine - Chick Reefer Combo (Tim Scott and the Glory Hunters)

Ran 5 miles on the treadmill today.  Well - I ran 2 miles, paused to get a drink thinking I could get back in the 45 seconds that the pause button allows, failed in my water foutain shuttle run time trial, and then ran 3 miles.  Today's forgotten item was the water bottle.  Better than Tuesday when I forgot my towel.  I'm not good at going to the gym. 

Today while I ran I thought about why I run.  Easy - I run so I can blog.  Why do I blog?  Two reasons - to work out the issues I have with choosing "management consulting/project management/making graphs that prove I can turn terrible into mediocre/whatever someone will pay for" as a career instead of sportswriting and to discuss my running playlists on my iPod.  So - if you don't want any of that, now would be a good time to stop reading.

"Our 72" by the Chick Reefer Combo (or whatever their name is this week) is officially in to the MTL playlist.  Write it in pen, carve it in stone - it's in.  I like it, written by a friend, it is in on all marathon playlists for me.  Over the next few months I'll release the rest of the playlist as it is developed.  Kind of like an extended version of Casey Kasem's weekly top 40 - except way better.

Don't let your pain take over you

More INXS today.  I got home early from a dentist appt today and found both kids out with friends, so I had an unexpected valentine surprise of some alone time between 5 and 630 when the sun was just peeking out from behind the rain clouds.  I took advantage of the opportunity to go run and it was so nice just to take my time, no rushing home to make dinner or take anybody anywhere.
Far dog and I ran 2.5 miles and then ambled another mile. 
 

All the dreams and promises that we give, we give away

I look around, unsatisfiedat what they're givin me
But then I think to myself
Does someone else (Oh!) feel the same as me?? 
 - INXS

This is what I thought about on my run today.  I have come to the conclusion that I am tolerating way too much corporate bullshit.  I need to save my soul and get the F out. 

Also, rest in peace Whitney Houston.  Frankly I had long dismissed her as a drug addled has-been, which she was, but watching the news coverage makes me remember how much I loved her as a teenager.  She really was incredible.  So very sad to see where her life went.

Final note - bf is much better today and on the road to recovery.  What a scare that was. 

I did 3 miles tonight, ran 2.5 of it and felt pretty darn good, in part because I didn't bring fat dog so was able to maintain my stride without multiple random pit stops. 

I didn't sleep well last night . . .

So needless to say, I didn't run well either.  It was probably somewhat because of the beer I drank last night, but more likely because of the series of text messages I received from bf at 10:34 pm last night: 
M in ambulance
I Ami
I
M in am in ambulalance
Not kidding
I m on ambulance

Now, bf is in Cape Cod this weekend for work, so it was 12:34 AM his time.  I had fallen asleep at 10, so got these messages at 1:14 am my time when I woke up and looked at my phone.  My first instinctive reaction was, well there's gonna be a good story here.  Who's he saving now?  Did one of his colleagues choke on a chicken bone, and he administered the hindlick maneuver, then accompanied said colleague to the hospital?  I've joked with him that he always has to be the hero, and he doesn't disagree.  So I responded, "baby what happened?" 

He did not respond.  I was anxious.  I tried to call him but his phone was off.  Surely it wasn't HIM that was the patient, right?  Like he'd be texting me from a stretcher in an ambulance?  Not likely.  Must be a chaotic night over there.  I drifted into an uneasy sleep. 

At 3:25 am, I received this text: 
In hospital..ok broken nose...fell on ice

OMG!!!  I tried again to call his phone but it went straight to voicemail.  I responded, can I help?  Are you in pain?  Is anyone with you?  and last, Was it your fancy dance moves?  (Yes, I asked that.)

Again, no response and no answer on his phone, until 5:15 am he said:
no on dance

Ok, thanks for answering that most important of questions, really.  BF does have an ego when it comes to his moves on the dance floor, so I understood his need to clear that misconception up right away.  I mean, he was practically a professional break dancer in high school.  That's the story he tells anyway. 

I tried again to call him at 6:55 am, and then texted: r u ok.  I was leaving him a voicemail when a strange number rang through, and at last it was him. 

He was leaving a restaurant/bar where he had been showing off his moves to the local population.  He then woke up in an ambulance, phone still in his hand, and immediately wanted to let me know where he was before he passed out again.  As it turns out, he slipped on the ice leaving the restaurant and fell hard, breaking his nose and causing a gash in his forehead and concussion.  It appears he sacrificed his head to save his phone, because when he came to, it was still in his grip like frozen talons.  This occurred some time between 12:08 and 12:34 am, and he was likely unconscious for at least 10 minutes.  Some benevolent stranger happened upon my love unconscious and bleeding on the ground, with a light dusting of snow, and called 911 and waited with him for the ambulance (which would have been at least 20 minutes away in Hyannisport). 

Upon hearing that he had simply fallen on ice and was not injured as a result of a fantastic dance catastrophe, BF demanded to be released from the ambulance, explaining that he was just fine thankyouverymuch, and there were many other people in the world more in need of this ambulance's lifesaving potential.  Needless to say, they did not comply with his pleas, and he promptly passed out again. 

My poor, poor man was alone in an emergency room all night, across the entire country from his home.  When he was released at around 5am, he took a cab to the local Walgreen's where he filled his antibiotic prescription and did not think to purchase pain medication.  When we spoke, he was back in his hotel room starving and in pain, but refusing to be a burden on others.  In fact, he was insisting he would drive himself the two hour trip back to Boston airport despite his concussion, but perhaps more importantly despite the fact that his glasses were broken in the fall and he did not have them.  Bear in mind, this is a guy who cannot see to locate his glasses unless they are on his face.  Thankfully more logical minds prevailed, and his clients arranged a ride for him back to the airport and returned his rental car. 

Now, he is in the air on his way home, and I am anxious to meet him and bring him home and nurse him back to good health.  So that is my excuse for a poor run, and he asked that I officially log this as his excuse for not running today.  So there you go.  I'll buy it. 

Last place

If this is a race then I hope you come last
You're on a bridge to nowhere and you're gettin' there fast
-Sam Roberts

Thanks Sam.  Really found that motivational while I was running today.  Sam Roberts is probably my favorite artist from Montreal, so I really want to have him on the playlist, but it just doesn't seem to work.  I ran my go to run today - 4 miles.  I guess it's kind of amazing for it to be mid-February in America's Hat Canada and it not be too cold to run outside.  It was too cold to enjoy running outside, but it's possible that I don't enjoy running at all - It's complicated.

I ran 4 miles on the treadmill on Thursday but did not post since it was really uneventful.  The last thing I want to do is post a bunch of nonsense about Eli Manning or raccoons when I should be talking about running.  But that reminds me - I was probably a little harsh about Eli in my post on super bowl sunday.  To make up for it, I now present of list of things Eli is better than:

Trent Dilfer
raccoons
streetcars
The Spice Girls
nut products
Enron
Lebron James' decision
syphilis

There - now I said something nice.  The feud is over.  But please don't ask me to both throw and catch the ball.

Running indoors is great - once you get there

I went to the gym twice today - to workout and to join - in that order.  The person who told me on the phone to "just show up" might not have been someone I should put my faith in.  Oh well. 

Nothing I did in the gym was as difficult as getting there.  Tuesday is garbage/recycling day and so I walked out the door this morning with a pizza box, a bag for the green bin (I'll explain later), my morning tea, a breakfast sandwich, and my gym bag.  Put the pizza box in recycling, the green bin in the green bin (I told you I would explain later), and then went back to the porch for the other stuff.  After I drove for about 10 minutes, I realized that my gym bag was still on the porch.

All this I blame on the raccoons.  The green bin is for all your compostable garbage - so all your banana peels and stuff you left in the fridge too long goes in there, and then they take it to Michigan and burn it.  Or use it to fuel the socialism machine they have downtown - I don't really know what they do with it.  But, we are trying to blend - so we participate.  The problem is that this green bin of nastiness is really attractive to raccoons - so you have to keep you green bin sealed up with straps and bungee cords and all kinds of things (beacuse if they get in, they make a mess of all this nastiness).  The unionized garbagemen will not undo any straps (not that I think they should - please don't go on strike AGAIN) and so all this must be done in the morning.  Hence the too many things to do and the forgetting.

But I ran 4 miles and didn't get upsold into a platinum elite super membership (which happened to be on sale today and today only).  That counts as a win.

Inhale. Exhale. Sigh. Wheeze. Gasp.

This is the soundtrack I ran to tonight.  Why, you ask? Because my lovely daughter snaked my headphones on her way out the door to the gym tonight, without asking or even notifying me, of course.  Then when I had found replacement headphones, I discovered that my ipod battery was drained, which was most certainly not the case on Sunday when I used it, which means that said daughter was listening to it at some point, since she has not been able to determine the whereabouts of her own ipod for the past several months.  So I dared the big experiment of RUNNING WITHOUT MUSIC.  Bold, I know, but it was after work and I was dressed, and if I delayed any longer I fear I may not have gone at all. 

Anyhoo, I did make it 3 miles, and felt pretty darn good even going up the hill into my second mile.  I felt a better pace than I have in awhile.  Consistency is key, I know this.  You can't just miss days or weeks at a time of running or it will come back to bite you.  So, on my music-less run, I pondered pace, consistency, and the odd pain in my right butt cheek that I had on Sunday too.  I wonder if my left butt cheek syndrome from years past has migrated over to my right?  I then had time to ponder the color of my sweatshirt, and determined that its an aqua blue if I had to describe it, and a color I really don't like, but it us Underarmor and my mom gave it to me for Christmas a couple years ago, so I'm sure it makes me go faster, or at least look like I'm going faster.  I then solved a couple of problems in the book I'm writing and wrote some funny parts.  I would really love to have a device that I can run with that types, because I do so much good writing and problem solving when running.  I have written whole presentations for work on a 3-mile run.  Internet, please invent that product and I will be first in line to buy. 

Nothing special

I'm sick and tired of everybody
Thinking they know what's best for me and
Maybe god wanted me to be
Nothing special.

- Ill Scarlett

4 more today.  My basic "go to" run - down to the lake, over to Canadian Tire, past the park, and home.  While this run was indeed nothing special - it did give me time to think.  First - solved some work stuff that is not interesting without all the details that I really can't share with the millions of fictional readers of this blog.  Second - Eli Manning is my mortal enemy from fantasy football and I need a Giants loss tonight.  I'm not sure that I really want a Patriots win, but I suppose I'll have to live with that.  All this "Eli is great" talk makes no sense to me - I have him at 3rd in his own family - and that's only because I never saw Cooper or his mother play.  I reserve the right to move him down as more footage becomes available. 

so what we get drunk?

So what we smoke weed? 
We're just havin fun
We don't care who sees
- wiz kalifa

Today is another gorgeous day!!  I went out and did my 3 miles so I can get my drunk Superbowl celebration and pig-out on.  Woot!! 

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
- Brandi Carlisle

It is a beautiful sunny and crisp 65 degrees in the valley today.  I went out around noon after sleeping late, eating breakfast and spending some time reading.  I did my 3.5 mi route and I will admit I had some lung burn and fatigue.  I passed a line up of four cop cars with lights flashing interrogating some poor drunk guy, and I had to run in the street around them (yes I did try to cut through then since they were in my path on MY sidewalk, but one cop rudely asked me to go around, thus extending my run).  Fat dog was in fine form today, stopping to poop 3 times.  All in all, a lovely run on a lovely day. 

But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
Its true, I was meant for you.

Lazy woman's workout

After taking almost another week off after my last week off, I headed back to the gym tonight.  I just returned from a trip wherein I ate macaroni and cheese for THREE separate meals, so that's an indicator of how well my healthy eating is going.  But god I love me some mac and cheese.  So I didn't really feel like high impact tonight, plus I'm reading this great book, so I rode the bike for an hour while reading.  Haven't done that before but I will say it was an enjoyable experience if not a great workout.  I did break a sweat and burn about 350 calories, and the legs were a little wobbly after, so not a worthless effort. 

Slow but not steady

They know my name 'cause I told it to them, but they don't know where and they don't know when
- Arcade Fire

Earlier today I either ran 4 miles or drank 4 beers.  I am currently either running 1 mile or drinking 1 beer as I type. 

So I'm back to running slowly.  I read that the best way to build your endurance capacity is run slowly.  It would seem that in the past I was doing it wrong by only running twice per week.  And you aren't supposed to take long periods of time off.  OK - so clearly not my fault - I didn't know.  How could I? 

I was surprised at how many body parts complained during today's run - brain, left foot, right foot. left lung, nose, right lung, right shoulder. 

FeBREWary

I know a guy who goes to shows
When he's at home and he blows his nose
He don't use tissues or his sleeve
He don't use napkins or any of these
He uses magazines

- The Flaming Lips

Sometimes you just have to try something different.  I'm thinking that for the month of FeBREWary - I will commit each week to either running 24 miles, drinking 24 beers, or some combination of the two.  Today was the less the glorious start - I was planning on a solid six (4+2), but I tweaked my back (or liver) during my run and so it looks like it will be only 4 (3+1).