There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You

LDon't care about being harder

Or being Daddy's favorite

Or if you think I'm a mimic

Or if I am a loser

        -Belle Brigade

Dedicated to the muscle bound badass lady who, while I was feeling like a real hero for running four miles and then going to body flow, ran at least seven and then went to body flow. 

This video has been inspiring me for a couple of weeks now. I downloaded the song and it's all I want to listen to ever. 

http://youtu.be/jsP0W7-tEOc

I've got 70 miles in for March!

Ohmmm

You said you'd read me like a book
But the pages are all torn and frayed!!!
I'm not ok I'm not ok
I'm ok now
- my chemical romance

Sitting before yoga listening to this blasting through my headphones is a sweet contrast. I ran to the gym and made it the whole two miles and the second mile is 75% uphill so it's a doozie. I haven't run since Saturday why with Easter and the boozing and trip to Texas with all the boozing and eating. I need to get back to normal. I'm at 48 miles for the month so as long as I do my 3.5 mile route tomorrow I'm good.

Ghosts that I knew

You saw my pain, washed out in the rain
And broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins
But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart
And you knelt beside, my hope torn apart
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view
And we'll live a long life
- Mumford & Sons - Ghosts That We Knew

I could quote every word from every Mumford song. They all speak to me at one time or another. I was happy as I managed to run some of a mile home from yoga tonight, because the ghosts that I knew are flickering from view. I ran to yoga for the first time in awhile because it's been so damn hot. And I was reminded that yes, running uphill outside to the gym is much more difficult than running the same 2 miles on the indoor track. It is actually possible to be irritated through an entire yoga class with the mantra "get me the f outta here" repeating in your head - I did that tonight. Im getting tired of yoga I think, which is a real bummer. But maybe it was just tonight and this teacher and the crappy music playing. I had to runnable yoga as much as I loathe doing so because I didn't go yesterday. I was up at 5am and that threw my day off so I was near comatose by the time I quit working at 530. And I'm off to San Fran tomorrow so no telling what the rest of the week will look like. Peace, my friends. 

A bitter 11

I only got 11 miles in this week. And two body flow classes. Friday went very wrong with the stabby pain in my foot that wouldn't leave me be, so I called it after two miles. And then yesterday I didn't go at all because Chris and I were silently fighting and plus I was concerned with the stabby pain, so I went to lunch and a movie instead. 

I'm still ahead for March though and I'm off for the next three days and the weather is supposed to be nice again, so I'll run outside. I'm also thinking of trying this class called Body Combat. It's funny, I had as goals a year or two ago to do classes and I did not meet those goals that year. I just do things when I'm ready, that's all there is to it. There's rarely any point in pushing myself into situations that make me uncomfortable before I am damn good and ready to do it. And sometimes I have to mull it over for an absurdly long time, I have no idea why. 

I did get my A1C down (and got rid of this stupid six pounds that found its way onto me last year) although mostly through the medication I'm on, since I can't say my diet is all that much better, although I do try. I do!

The awfulness

So fuck your dreams

And don't you pick at our seams

Curse the beauty, curse the queen 

Curse the beauty, leave me

 - Monster, Mumford and Sons 

So I did the mountain today because I had to. Also I slept in, which I find is one of the greater joys in life. So needless to say it was pretty goddam hot by the time I got out there at 10:30. And the pollen was saturating the air and the sun was beating down. There's no shade on the mountain at that time. So it was really hard. And my hips and bum felt weak still from yoga yesterday. So afterwards, I went to the gym and soaked in the hot tub and then the steam room. I'm exhausted, now laying on the couch of righteousness. 

Happiness

Happiness, hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
Florence And The Machine - Dog Days Are Over

I decided not to run today. Not for resting or recharging and not even because I was tired, but because I got a mani/pedi this morning and I didn't want to ruin my beautiful toenails by shoving them into running shoes. I did still want to exercise though, so I walked 1.5 miles to yoga and back. If you have t done yoga after a mani/pedi, I don't recommend it. My arms and legs were all greasy and when I started sweating they became very slick. I couldn't keep my position on the mat or do arm balances effectively. But it was a good class nonetheless. I was next to a handsome young man that I enjoyed watching. Now I'm reading by the pool enjoying what remains of the day. Happiness found me despite my best efforts. 

Luck O the Irish (or curse, whichever you celebrate)

And now I just can't take no more
I've had it up to here
- Weezer

This song came on during mile 3 of my Shamrock run tonight and it was perfectly timed. I felt pretty good but in mile 3 it got tough. But I felt good enough that I knew I could run the whole way if I battened down the hatches, which is what I do in my mind when I know I've got a tough road coming and I just need to hold tight. And I did it! It was a beautiful cool evening running along the canal. I hit 3 miles in 35:50 which was awesome, and I finished in 48:30 which I was quite happy with. It was a little disappointing that there weren't crowds cheering for me as I crossed the finish line but there were only a couple hundred people who did this run. I then proceeded to fall down these ridiculous stairs that were cut into the hard dirt leading up to the canal, and I took a little girl with me. She was probably 8 and was walking up as I was going down. I'm pretty sure I grasped for her head and hair as I fell. I brought her right down. I was apologizing all over myself and asking if she was ok, and she just looked at the ground and didn't speak, even when her mom asked her, which means she wasn't ok. I think I may have poked her in the eye. I apologized profusely to her mom and then went to the bar and had a celebratory and humble-pie beer. I actually chatted with a young guy at the bar too, which was cool. This girl even came up to him and he was getting her drink, so I started to ignore him and he kept chatting, which I found odd but then I realized that maybe this is the way normal people behave. Maybe normal people aren't threatened by a casual conversation while ordering a drink and watching the game. So all in all a very good night and I'm so glad I went.

This is dedicated to my boss

Tiny curtains open
And we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke
And get a tiny laugh from all the folks

- Modest Mouse - Missed The Boat

Dedicated to the little man in little jeans who left me eating lunch alone so he could take his little call. This song made me laugh yesterday when it reminded me of him. He's totally missing the boat. I did 3.5 around the neighborhood yesterday and the first half went well, I made it to the top of the very long hill without stopping. But the way back I was spent and took some walk breaks and walked most of the last mile. It was warm, like 80, before I got out but still. Now I'm in Starbucks eating pumpkin bread. So you can see how all that is working!  Although I have been very good about getting more protein. I registered for a shamrock run in old town this evening so hopefully that will be more fun than yoga. I will probably get my yoga in at the losers club tomorrow. 

Wherein banana bread was declared the root of all evil

So, I had my annual "wellness" visit last week. It did not go well. I weighed more than I have in years, and my triglycerides are twice what they were last year. I've always struggled with the triglycerides, because I have a sweet tooth and I eat like shit. And the older I get, the less the exercise bails me out. I do blame the yoga, however, for my current predicament. This grunting sweating class makes me absolutely ravenously hungry all the time. And I pretty much always feel like I can treat myself, because I just worked out. My weekly treat of pumpkin bread or a doughnut for breakfast has become a daily habit for the last couple months. And when you start the day that way, the rest goes to hell. So I was sharing this grievance with my doctor and she asked me what I eat after I work out. Head bowed, face burning with shame, I muttered "banana bread". She laughed in surprise and then proceeded to tell me that that is the absolute worst thing I could possibly eat after muscle building exercise, and that I need to have a high protein meal and if I do eat carbs they must be complex carbs. So. Sigh. I know I need to do better. I'm a lazy eater. Cooking for one sucks, and I never know when the boy will be home. So dinner has been fast food or nachos or pasta. So anyway, I'm committed to eating better. I actually packed my lunch for work Friday and today. And this was my dinner tonight. As for running - I'm on schedule. Did the mountain yesterday, yoga and two miles tonight.

Body Flow then three miles, it's been a good week and I'm killing it in March so far. 

Something I noticed, I was having a lot of this really weird foot pain. Like shooting pain in my foot that would sometimes cause me to have to stop running and walk until it would pass. I have no idea what it is, but I've noticed I don't get it anymore since I started with the yoga/body flow. So I'm wondering if it was an ankle strength thing or something.  Good stuff, though. 

Look Her Right In The Eye

All's well at the base of the hill

You might need to fill

A prescription to kill

Off the silence.

     - Joshua Radin

A beautiful little song called "Star Mile" that Sandy gave me a long time ago and which never fails to make me cry. So naturally I listened to it right before my body flow class, because that's a great and smart move and what could go wrong? (Incidentally, Sandy seems to have a habit of recommending songs that routinely reduce me to tears, and what the fuck is up with that?)

Anyway, good four miles, good class, good hot tub. Just another evening with the Friday Night Loser's Club. 

Illusions

"Some people have remarkably sturdy illusions."
- Dave Calhoun, Mr. Yummy (Stephen King, Bazaar of Bad Dreams)

No inspired song tonight, but this quote really spoke to me as I was reading last night. I am one of those people. It's takes a very long time for my illusions to die, even when I am standing over them violently squeezing the life out of them. I went up north this week for spring break and had the luxury of a woodland view while I worked and my boy and his homies went snowboarding. I had to deal with ghosts even there, in my happy place, which is regrettable. But it is still my happy place and today I did 3 miles around the lake. It was a lovely illusion. But really I did go. Didn't I?

Take This Sinking Boat And Point It Home

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

       -Glen Hansard "Falling Slowly"

This song played in my body flow class Sunday and tonight. I originally heard it when it was featured in this very obscure movie called "Once" that Christa and I watched together on some trip I made to Boston. The movie wasn't much to remember, but I still remember this song. It's a good one. 

Anyhoodle, I ran two miles and then did body flow. I wasn't that into it, couldn't get the flow, as it were and then during the stupid meditation thing I started crying, so that's a new adventure. 

I used to cry all the time at the gym, that used to be a pretty common occurrence. Now of course I save my crying for plane take-offs. 

So I went to run another two after the class but quickly realized I wasn't quite up to it, said fuck it, and got in the hot tub. Which is where I still be. 

Read more:  Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I'm too tired to come up with a clever title or song. I did body flow and ran four miles and the soaked in the hot tub until I was a wrinkled prune. 

I may have overstretched my bum hip, not sure yet. I had a bad moment in body flow, the instructor put out a bunch of flameless tea light candles, and I was worried about having some kind of ridiculous advice said, but it turned out she was just suggesting using them as a focal point for the balance poses (which I'm pretty good at). 

Anyway, I did 16 miles this week and three strength classes and I'm tired. Tomorrow is a rest day. 

Why why why

You're just saying goodbye
to people whose every word is just a lie
And you wonder just a little if your soul isn't starting to die
And you spend every waking moment wondering why
- Airborne Toxic Event

And so this was the song on repeat this evening. It's funny how different music speaks to you at different times. Always a solace. Today's run almost didn't happen - I spent the greater part of the day sawing and hauling branches from my neighbors tree. It's a charitable act I do once a year or so so as to avoid having to politely request that she keep her goddam trees from invading my yard and clogging my pool filter. So needless to say I was tired and it was quite a workout in itself. But it was such a beautiful evening that I wanted to get out and do what I could. This resulted in a surprisingly enjoyable run and I actually did 3.5, so a good start to the week.

Work

You took my heart and my keys and my patience
You took my heart on my sleeve for decoration
You mistaken my love I brought for you for foundation
Rihanna - Work 

A couple of firsts happened in yoga today. I heard this song for the first time and it was awesome!  I just bought it for my workout playlist. Yoga is work, after all. Also, this chick let a GIANT FART in class while lying on her back with her ass pointed directly at me. I was horrified and desperately hoping none of it got on me. And still nobody in class reacted. Maybe I'm just the only immature person in the world who does yoga. Yeah, that's probably it. I went to a movie so ended up with only time to do a mile before class, which was fine because it was a tough class and I did fairly well. And that's 14 for the week. I don't think I blogged my 3 miles on Thurs. It was uninspired. Now I'm gonna shower up and go drink some well earned wine. 

In Which I Might MIGHT Stop Bitching About Yoga

How many rules am I  to break before you understand 

That your double standards don't mean shit to me?

I know exactly what you say 

When I turn and walk away

But that's okay

Cuz' I don't let it get to me

              -Salt N Pepa

Goddamn, with the awesome Salt N Pepa!! Some throw back to my high school days. 

So, a while back when I first joined my new gym with the classes, my goal was to try some classes. Which I did. And one of the classes I did was called Body Flow. I always sort of thought about it as yoga without the bullshit and with better music (OMG SO MUCH BETTER MUSIC YOU GUYS). I did a few classes and then they got rid of a bunch of them and none worked for me anymore, and I wasn't committed to classes and they generally aren't my thing so I let it go. 

So after Wednesday's yoga class, and the what shall forevermore be known as the Right Nostril Incident, I saw that now that I have the fancy gym membership and can go to other branches, there is one with a 5:30 Body Flow class on Friday nights. 

And y'all. I LOVED this class. So so much. I got that "wrung out" feeling that sandy is always yammering on about and that I'm pretty sure you are supposed to have after these types of classes, but that for whatever reason I have an absurdly hard time achieving. It was awesome. I have found my class, and it does not involve telling me I overeat when I breathe through the incorrect nostril. 

I still like my Sunday yoga class, but from here on out, everything else is Body Flow, and I'm still counting it as Yoga, since it pretty much is. 

Anyway, also I ran four miles. BECAUSE I AM THE UNSTOPPABLE BEAST. (Who also has nothing better to do on Friday nights.)

La da dah da

Well I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door
- The Proclaimers

This song played during yoga tonight but it wasn't the upbeat song from the 90's, it was a coffee house acoustic version which was kinda funny. I ran a mile before yoga because I got to the gym late, and it was amazing how much more I enjoyed it. My yoga classes are freaking hard, especially after running. It made me miss the days when I used to just do yoga sometimes. I thought I'd do a mile after, so I had two, but decided not to bother. My favorite yoga pose is shivasana, which means corpse pose, which is just as it sounds. You lay flat on your back, arms and legs spread, like a dead person. It's very relaxing at the end of class and tonight someone actually snored. It was hilarious. Way worse than a fart.

Fuck You and the Vinyasa You Rode In On

I was VERY impatient with yoga this evening. It was a lot of of breathing, and you all know how I feel about breathing!!  Incidentally, did you know that if you breathe too much through your right nostril, you will overeat? Because that is something that was actually said in my yoga class tonight. THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS ACTUALLY SAID. 

Anyway, I also ran four miles. 

Broad shouldered beasts

But wasn't it you who said I was not free

And wasn't it you who said I needed peace

And now it's you who's floored by fear of it all

 - Mumford & Sons 

So yeah, I had an anxious day. It turns out I have more work to do. Esteem damaged by past relationships and poor choices and tolerating/justifying shit I should never have put up with. Again.  Grateful for an insightful friend to talk it through with. I think I've been denying the impact, and it is manifesting in anxiety triggered by seemingly nothing, or something ridiculous. So today I had a good cry and chose a new path. I went on the Pinnacle trail and lord goddess was it beautiful. I took it slow to take it all in, both the destructive beauty of the desert mountain and the desert in my heart. It was a good slow burn for 4.5 miles. I realized I will never get to a place where I'm "healed" from this malady of personal self-doubt and susceptibility to manipulation as a result, but I will get better.  Just knowing and being aware of it will help my judgment. And for now my focus is on me becoming as healthy and whole as I am able. Also, I didn't go yesterday, so 49.5 for February. I'm confident I can pick up the extra 1.5 along the way.